Not a milestone- just another day. The other night I was thinking. I usually spend some time unwinding in my kitchen- its the only room of my house in which I smoke, and I'd like to think this is where and when I get some of my best thinking done lol. This same spot- chair next to 3rd story window, legs propped on counter, cigarette in hand, is also where I've spent many of my darkest days and nights drinking. It was in this very chair 331 days ago that I sat with a butcher knife in one hand, my sleeve rolled up trying to convince myself to just do it already. How quick and easy it would be to just open up my arm and end this misery I called a life. I did not believe there were any other options left for me. I had written a note to my landlord aplogizing for the mess. I had 4 bottles of wine in front of me-3 empty- and as I tried to talk myself into my plan, I noticed that the 4th bottle wasnt empty. THIS is what gave me pause. Well, I certainly wasn't gonna let that go to waste. Put the knife down, filled up a glass and somehow a moment of true clarity hit. I prayed- I prayed hard and and begged God to help me find the strength to stop drinking. I had NO idea as to what I was in for haha. I walked into sobriety completely blind, with nothing but a strong faith that seemingly came out of nowhere. I had no conception of how crazy I was (LOL), or how raw I was. I'm still often like an open wound, I obsess over trivial things, MY plans don't always work out. But you know what? My HP answered my prayers. I easily lose sight of that when I get caught up in the world around me, and my own head. 'Wear the world like a loose garment'- I'm trying. At the end of the day- every day- I cannot forget that I am damn blessed to be sitting in this chair. Today, I am grateful.
-- Edited by Col on Friday 12th of April 2013 09:10:51 AM
Great post Col, ... ... ... My only wish here is that the many hundreds, if not thousands, of other sufferers out there could read what you just wrote ... the seed of faith might just get planted in them to come to the same realization you did sitting in that chair ... I call that the 'birth' of 'Hope' ... ... ...
With me, it was a gun ... not just any gun, a 357 magnum ... Smith & Wesson makes some darn good ones that will destroy most anything in it's path ... ... ... that was just one of many 'bottoms' I had to go through to get here, and 'here' is where I belong ...
Thanks for your share!
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Was gonna drive off the Nickle Bridge with my child so she wouldn't be left behind with the pain of the loss. ARE WE FREAKIN' CRAZY?????? No, just MIRACLES IN PROGRESS!!!!!!!.
