A married couple I know were recently on vacation on an island in a foreign country. When the wife reached out to switch on the hotel lamp, she was surprised to be jolted by an electrical shock.
Then she got another shock. Her husband just glanced at her briefly, and then said, "You'd better hurry up and get dressed or we'll be late for dinner. And be more careful with the lamps."
"I felt so hurt and angry," she said, "not about getting shocked by the lamp, but by this man's total inability or refusal to be nurturing with me. His coldness was such a turnoff. But what I realized," she said, "is that's how I treat myself."
Some people don't appear to have a nurturing bone in their bodies. Other people seem to have been born as nurturers.
It took me awhile to understand that being nurturing is a value I can consciously choose to apply. It has taken me a long time and a lot of practice to get remotely comfortable with nurturing myself. I had good teachers - a sister who was nurturing and warm, an older woman who always made me feel safe and loved, and a male friend who was kind and loving even during conflicts. The common denominator among the people I most enjoy is a high capacity to nurture. Sometimes it's okay to baby ourselves and others. What are you afraid of? Go ahead. Warm up. See how others turn to putty in your hands.
