This is how I would sum myself up. As a kid, I'd isolate and just wander through the neighborhood or the woods idly passing time. As a teenager, I did the same, going on long journeys on foot by myself- well, not really, because by this time I had a bottle with me. As an 'adult' I'd do the same- literally wandering from bar to bar. I'd begin in the chosen neighborhood of the city for the day, and solo bar hop. I'd begin by being social and 'enjoying a day off'. I had become a regular at so many bars that I was sure to know somebody at every one. I'd put on my outfit, or costume, for the day depending on the persona I wished to project that day. I'd 'stop in' to a bar and have a respectable amount of drinks, tip generously, and pretend as though I had big plans for the day- make up stories about going out to lunch with friends or something- and be off to the next bar. I'd be staggering drunk by mid- day, but I really didn't care. I had my Ann Taylor clothes on, so I wasn't a drunk, right? I would literally wander from bar to bar all day and night like the lonely, lost soul that I was. Searching for that elusive 'something'. By the end of these journeys, I'd be far from social, and have redone my makeup a few times in an attempt to hide the fact that I was clearly wasted. I didn't care- because I didn't want to go 'home'- my home was right there on any given barstool with a drink in my hand and more on the way. Nobody really knew me, nor did I want them to. No attachments, a true loner who could be a Chameleon. You didn't know anything about me I didn't want you to. It was easier that way. That elusive 'something'. Sober, I still wandered from meeting to meeting, not going to any regularly, but going to them all. Now that I've found a 'home' at some I feel... Very uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable with others, uncomfortable with myself, uncomfortable with the lighting, the chair, the room. But I keep coming because it's where I'm supposed to really be. Am I going back to my old 'home' of dive bars, idle drunken banter, bartenders that arrange rides home for me cuz I can no longer walk but continue drinking? No way. That's no home, for real. I guess this is what I've been trying to say with the barrage of posts lately. I have found a home, now I just have to accept it and make it cozy.
-- Edited by Col on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 11:02:04 AM
I can relate to the 'looking put together' part - I extended that later to having an immaculate looking home and everything perfect about me and everything I could after I stopped going to bars when I was 23 or so and became a home drinker. You can't possibly think I'm an alchie (and neither can I) if I have an 800 dollar purse, a 40k dollar car, an immaculate lawn and home with towering flower gardens and well groomed curly locks.
Same exact purpose and thought process though. Thanks for the post.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 12:34:44 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I so know what you mean, Col. I used to think a booth in a dark pub was where I was happiest in the world. Now I prefer being outside in the sun (literally and figuratively!)
My sponsor tells me uncomfortable is good....it means opportunity for spiritual growth. You are growing my friend, even if you don't see it or feel it. ((((Hugs))))
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I'd put on my outfit, or costume, for the day depending on the persona I wished to project that day.
I didn't care- because I didn't want to go 'home'- my home was right there on any given barstool with a drink in my hand and more on the way. Nobody really knew me, nor did I want them to. No attachments, a true loner who could be a Chameleon.
Sober, I still wandered from meeting to meeting, not going to any regularly, but going to them all. Now that I've found a 'home' at some I feel... Very uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable with others, uncomfortable with myself, uncomfortable with the lighting, the chair, the room.
-- Edited by Col on Tuesday 9th of April 2013 11:02:04 AM
Hey Col, ... ... ... I think many of us wore many masks at one time ... I think we were searching for an 'identity' ... for a time we woke up in the morning not knowing which mask from the closet we'd end up wearing that particular day ... People at work never knew 'which Roger' would show up ... the range of masks I had was from the caring Roger all the way to 'I don't give flying crap about anything or anyone' Roger ...
Like you, I know I have found a home in AA ... living the program has allowed the one 'true' Roger to show up consistently ... working steps 4 thru 7 allowed me to dump all my other masks and let the 'real me' immerge ... I found my identity ... I am Roger, and I AM an alcoholic who today, choses not to drink, I chose to seek living the way I feel God would have me live ... it takes time to get comfortable in our new skin, so to speak ... and I have learned that I need AA as much now as I do the 'air' I breathe ... ... ... you are home here with us and we love you for you ... ... ... we would be less a family without you ...
Love you and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I went into our chatroom earlier today, and vaccumed the carpet, straightened up the crooked pictures on the walls, cleaned off the tables, set up the literature... and now will be hanging out and waiting for my family to show up... Welcome Home Col!
I hear that. I have always felt odd in that I prefer to be alone than around people who don't offer me any substantive conversation. At the same time, when I'm alone for a significant amount of time I get lonely and depressed. Being drunk was a great way to be around people and have conversations while still feeling the protection of being alone in my head. Best of both worlds, in some ways. Lately I've been turning more and more to books and message boards because, truth be told, I don't want to hang out with most of my coworkers or old friends if we're not drinking. I have a couple of sober friends I enjoy very much, but I still need to find the place where I feel energized by people while spending sober time with them. Anyway, great post. It brought up a lot of good points to think about.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
I've always heard "Home is where the heart is." I find it wonderful that in sobriety I actually now have several heart-homes in my life, among selected people, places and things. Like many, though, I also very much enjoy just being at home with myself!! Always have-that is not a function of sobriety apparently, just my nature. It's more a function of sobriety that I have expanded my neighborhood!
