So, I've been having this feeling lately that I just don't quite fit in anywhere. Call it a funk- a bad funk. After a somewhat humurous breakdown about my physical appearance, I'm not all that comfortable in my skin. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and have increased my calorie consumption accordingly. Not gonna happen overnight. After being what I perceive to be pushed out of my first service position as chip passer- outter at my home group, I feel a bit unwelcome there. Granted, it could've been a matter of disorganization, and people told me I did a great job. It's strange, though, that others are trying to give out chips when it was decided it was my service position. This probably wouldnt have been an issue to me if it hadn't taken every ounce of courage for me to agree to it. I have a major fear of public speaking and being a focal point. Ok- then my boss tells me that some of my coworkers kinda think I'm a 'psycho' at times. Fine- go to my daily noon time meeting today and not one person said hello to me. I try to reach out and get little response. Granted, I'm not one for raising my hand to share in a room full of around 50 men, but I'm friendly one on one after the meeting. I feel like I'm getting kicked around, and I don't feel like I really fit in anywhere. This has been an issue for me since childhood. There are many reasons for this, but I'm guessing being raised by a sadistic diagnosed psychotic left me lacking a bit in the socialization department. I mention this because over the past few weeks, I've kinda felt like that weird, quiet, timid little girl that nobody likes. It's so strange- I feel like I've regressed in recovery recently. And I do realize that much of this feeling is due in part to my own perceptions and that I can, in fact do things to change these perceptions. The how is what I struggle with. Funny how for many years it was a source of pride and identity for me to not fit in anywhere- now that I want to, I don't know how.
I doubt you are all that unique other that the fact that most of us are trying to decrease calories :). Some things that are coming easy to you in sobriety, many others struggle with and visa-verse.
I obviously just know you from MIP, but you are loved here because you share, contribute and make a effort ot help others. My experience is that whether I at AA, work or elsewhere I usually get back in return the effort I make toward helping others...."ask in our prayers what we can do to help the person who still suffers". Work to get out of self and work on rule 62 (don't take myself too seriously).
We all have some things that we need to work harder at than others. Get to your meetings early greet others as the arrive and the coffee person always wants help do this every week and your whole outlook on AA will change.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Yeah can identify with physical look,was running marathons and lifting weights and now since left my job up North ,Moved to Florida,not working,gettin a belly ain't thrilled with and becoming less active then I like.I know the solution and just have to work toward it.In one of my homegroups up north we would change members committments every 3 months,,cooffee maker,become greeter,chair would switch to co-chair and secretary may become new chair.GSR would keep position longer as all weren't able to drive to area sometimes 50 miles away during summer etc.I could only suggest at next business meeting to check out and see if there are rotating positions you could do letting your group members know service is important to you and you would like a position if possible.If not you could always see if you could make area with your GSR and get involved at an area level.Public speaking and being center of attention is anxiety ridden for many of us,its just something we work on,realize our message of recovery is really about reaching the still sick and suffering and with a simple message we lose our self consciousness,Doesnt mean because we are now in recovery we become stand up speakers,or comedians or spiritual gurus but we all have our own simple message of recovery from addiction that will ring true. Sometimes we just have to say how we feel even though its not easy,we may find the perception is in our mind.We remember we are now involved with a rough mixture of people from all avenues of life and saying how we may feel allows others to know.I was told a long time ago if I dont know whats on your mind I aint gonna be able to help... I have also been deemed as being weird,laugh at my own jokes talk to myself etc,psycho ,,uummm hard to say but not in a bad way :)Any opportunity to make some different meetings is always refreshing,hear different people and sometimes get a spark when we get in that funk.I also found for me helping others always got me out of my own head.Volunteering at the Family Partnership,serving lunches at the kitchen,working in the food pantry,getting involved in program events allowed me to meet others and put myself in a different atmosphere.Because I have been playing drums in and out of bands since I was 12 years old my stage fright and perception of being comfortable in the public eye may be deceiving, but I still get nervous and sometimes doubtful ,but each time I approach a situation and work thru it it just reenforces the next time im called on.I know from your shares that you work a lot and maybe alternative situations may not be as available but sometimes we tend to get out of balance and need to expand our environment,other times maybe just lay back...I worked in many facilities for dependant/neglected kids,PINS,Childrens homes and DFY facilities(detention for youth) and saw the ravigies of lives torn apart and lost souls but always held them in prayer and asked my Higher Power to guide them in their lives journey.Though we try not live our past it takes faith and prayer and strength to move forward and for that I will keep you uplifted in prayer...These are only suggestions of things that have helped me through my journey in remission from active addiction and living life to the best of my ability.Thanks for sharing from your heart,it is said that pain shared ,is pain lessened,Keep your recovery up front guided by whatever Higher Power you have in your life and keep working to get back in the solution,the fit spiritual conditon that lets us travel the road of freedom.....Peace to you.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
you'll find where you fit in. I always strived to fit in, which is one the of reasons why i drank so much was to make peoples converstations more tollerable. But you have to find out what makes you happy.
So, I've been having this feeling lately that I just don't quite fit in anywhere. Call it a funk- a bad funk. After a somewhat humurous breakdown about my physical appearance, I'm not all that comfortable in my skin. I don't like what I see in the mirror, and have increased my calorie consumption accordingly. Not gonna happen overnight. After being what I perceive to be pushed out of my first service position as chip passer- outter at my home group, I feel a bit unwelcome there. Granted, it could've been a matter of disorganization, and people told me I did a great job. It's strange, though, that others are trying to give out chips when it was decided it was my service position. This probably wouldnt have been an issue to me if it hadn't taken every ounce of courage for me to agree to it. I have a major fear of public speaking and being a focal point. Ok- then my boss tells me that some of my coworkers kinda think I'm a 'psycho' at times. Fine- go to my daily noon time meeting today and not one person said hello to me. I try to reach out and get little response. Granted, I'm not one for raising my hand to share in a room full of around 50 men, but I'm friendly one on one after the meeting. I feel like I'm getting kicked around, and I don't feel like I really fit in anywhere. This has been an issue for me since childhood. There are many reasons for this, but I'm guessing being raised by a sadistic diagnosed psychotic left me lacking a bit in the socialization department. I mention this because over the past few weeks, I've kinda felt like that weird, quiet, timid little girl that nobody likes. It's so strange- I feel like I've regressed in recovery recently. And I do realize that much of this feeling is due in part to my own perceptions and that I can, in fact do things to change these perceptions. The how is what I struggle with. Funny how for many years it was a source of pride and identity for me to not fit in anywhere- now that I want to, I don't know how.
Hey Col, ... ... ...
It took me a long time, and I do mean a long time to be rid of that feeling of being unique ... ... ... I always said to myself, if they just knew what "I" was going through, or what "I" had to put up with, then they'd understand ... ... ... I found out that unless I shared my feelings at a meeting or with my sponsor, then no-one knew what I was thinking or feeling, then they weren't likely to respond to help me through this period of doldrums ... ... ... After a long time, I come to realize exactly what the expression "Just another Bozo on the Bus" meant ... it became clear that we all experience these same 'growing pains' in recovery ...
We DO have periods of revelation, elation, satisfaction, etc. ... but the 'flip' side of that coin is 'realization' ... a coming to know reality as we have never known it before ... it comes in all kinds of forms and can lead us to depression if we 'don't' use the tools we picked up in AA ... What helped me when I went through a similar period of emotions was my sponsor told me to just be myself, act as if I am the person I wish to be ... be available for service and do it when I can ... can someone else do the job better?, ... probably, but that's not the point ... it's what's in one's heart that counts ... ... ...
Following the guide on pages 86 and 87 in the BB helped me to mature spiritually ... I practiced those suggestions daily and still do to this day ... I have spiritual guidance today that I have never known in the past ... and for that, I am grateful ...
Love you and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I believe the Promises say it best "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly".
I remember my AA friend Rudy telling me at his 29th AA birthday that he was getting comfortable in his own skin.
I thought "I'll be there a Hell of a lot sooner than you !!" ....... coming up on 24 yrs and I'm hoping it kicks in soon.
The 50 men are just afraid of you, Col, you be nice to them and they'll be nice to you.
When I came to recovery at the recovery home in '89 it was like (analogy) the old priest who ran the facility dumped 3 different 1000 pc jigsaw puzzles onto the table, stirred them around and said: "Put those together and you'll be sober & sane".
My first question was "What are they supposed to look like when they're done?"
We're in this process of discovering and adapting that will never end. You are doing fine .. stay on the beam!
The 12th Step promises a profound personality change. For years I struggled with feelings of resentment and inadequacy. As I engaged myself to work each step thoroughly, reading and studying the AA book, I found step by step my personality changed, despite myself. Just today I got myself into a resentment rut. I decided to take the day off and rest in gentle communication with God and some sleep.
Hey Col - great share. I bet I could look up my share like this almost to the day of your sobriety. I remember walking into the noon meeting and literally sobbing that no one likes me, people who I thought were my friends stopped calling me back, none of my efforts were working etc etc.... but that I knew I had to keep coming back, even if everyone in the room hated me, because I want to live.
And to my surprise, not a single person in that meeting (which I too had been going to every single day for a very long time) came up to me after the meeting to reassure me at'll. Hrmf. I look back at it now as a desperate last resort for some much needed attention.
Now I know that while other people giving me affirmation and validation for my efforts, for being me, for my service etc, is great, but it's not what keeps me going. I suppose God had that in mind when he didn't give me any immediate gratification for my plea for help and love. I needed to learn the hard way - as usual - that my happiness is created from within. From doing God's will for my life. From knowing how to care for myself, and do the things that truly inspire me, bring out creativity in me... and passion. Beyond that, what every one else does (and this finally included my significant other) is just the cherry on top. I take care of 99% of my happiness, and rely only 1% on others instead of what was remarkably and accurately the other way around.
Of course, I do get into funks and forget all this. I have a sponsor who knows this, and when I call her up and start in with my boredom, my fears, my feelings that no one in behaving as they are suppose to etc... she listens and reminds me exactly which pages of the big book to read, I think starting on page 68 if I remember right, and then 'get with the program' literally.
This will just be another thing added to the pile of things that you'll know you can get through, and you can get through this and anything else too by doing what you're doing, and remembering everything you need is already inside of you. Your confidence in yourself will grow and grow as you see the pile of stuff you can now handle without drinking get bigger and bigger, and soon you'll walk through this sort of thing with grace, share about it in meetings, and identify with your sponsee's when they go through this... and that's how it works.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks, guys:) I guess I do fit here. It's funny, Bob, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that men actually have feelings and thoughts, too. Most of these guys that I'm somehow looking for validation from are not exactly the warm and fuzzy type haha. I often don't consider that they may be uncomfortable around or intimidated me in any way. Also, I did speak with my sponser, Tasha, and she first asked 'why did you wait for all this to pile up before speaking to me about it?' - ahhh, I dunno- didn't want to bother her with dumb, trivial things. She then said exactly what you just said - that I can't walk around waiting for others to fulfill my emotional needs, validate my self worth, or build my confidence. So another thing I'm trying to learn is I can't buy my confidence ( have a room full of clothes and bags to prove that faulty logic), I can't rely on others to provide it ( got a handful of disastrous ex- boyfriends to prove that, and a list of old resentments because people somehow failed me). So it has to come from me- but I don't have it at the moment, so perhaps it's best to rely on my HP til I get there. If it were up to me, I simply wouldn't leave my house, but that's not very sober thinking. I guess I didn't realize to what a large extent I drank my confidence- or tried to.
Colleen...you have to know by now that we all have thoughts like that. In any given AA meeting, if you could hear the internal dialog going on it would make for some real comedy. For myself.....I would appear to be outwardly confident. I speak very readily. I chair groups, tell my story....I've always had service positions because I don't wait for them to be given to me. I make them mine. YET- a constant irritating thought of mine is how I don't belong or certain people don't like me. Even though I act the opposite, it does come back in the form of my disease. I tell on it when I can just like you did here. It might be helpful to actually voice some of this in your actual meeting. Not in the form of airing personal resentments towards group members or even talking about the "chip thing" but more of sharing how you are just working on being more open in meetings, how you feel intimidated and are throwing up walls without meaning to...etc. This would be taking a positive risk towards change. It will put the kabosh on your pattern of isolating and attributing negative motives to others even though it will make you feel hugely vulnerable. Perhaps make a point of sharing some at every meeting for a week or more. That would be a step 6 exercise in willingness and it would ready you to have your HP take away some of what you are referring to in your "terminal uniqueness."
You entered recovery to stop actively hurting yourself right? You don't put hurtful poision in your body. Similarly, do not feed poisonous thoughts that divide you from others in the fellowship. You are such a strong and respected member here and I believe that could, should, and would easily come across in meetings over time and with more practice. Progress progress progress....Keep moving foward.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
In meetings I am reminded we are all sick people. Every single one of us. Takes the uniqueness right out of me and allows me to remember not to have high expectations of those around me. We are all just trying to get better one day at a time. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Aloha Colleen and thanks for the great post...You see the situation very clearly and arrive a solution. You're the kind of member who I use to love to hang around and just listen, listen, listen and then try to mime in behavior. Terminal uniqueness, I was taught and warned about is just about ego, self centeredness and the absence of humility or being teachable. Today...if I was going thru what you are going thu it would be "just a funk". On Sunday I had a test...program test...with some guy trying to convince a group that he was in most ways bigger than life. He made a decision to focus his attempted self focus at me and I am not an enabler of that behavior so he ended up getting the opposite of what he was playing for. His feelings got hurt and his attempt became more intense and then he had to breakoff and see if he could prove his power and control by doing me less than and then his uniqueness started to be asked for simple solution and he couldn't get there...yet. Hopefully he/we will in the future as the group hasn't "terminated" him though some are considering it. I ask them for patience because if he learns just abit more about humility he will become greater asset for "us". Going to sit with and abide with and stand with him tomorrow as he trips on another rock. "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps; We tried to carry this message..."
Hope you can read your post thru my eyes and experiences...betcha can or already have. ((((hugs)))) Keep coming back.
