Yeah, I had a lot to learn myself early on, especially when it came to emotional hang-ups. I guess the past continued to haunt me even in my adult years.
You see, I grew up with a dysfunctional father figure, so I know how to bury certain emotions even when it hurt. We had to suppress our true feelings in order to bring stability to an otherwise hostile situation. It was the only way to satisfy his precious ego.
So when it came to modern maturity, well, I had to no clue how to act. My crash course, as you can imagine, was abrupt and to the point. Either I adapted quickly or fail miserably, it was that simple.
In recovery, though, the complete opposite is true. We go through a process which can almost guarantee us a spiritual awakening, if not more: It's called A.A.'s twelve steps.
I guess the steps had a lot to do with my newfound happiness; that and a good recovery program. They've taught me a thing or two about emotional hang-ups if nothing more. For that, I'm eternally grateful.
I hope the next 24 hours are just as exciting for you. I hope.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 7th of April 2013 03:09:22 PM
Nothing major happened today- just another 24 hours under the belt. I did realize a few things about myself, though. Often when I have realizations about my own behavior, things I've heard others say in meetings run through my head. I understand that I'm not all that unique, much to my dismay at times. I have a very tough time expressing emotions. I've always been this way. I conceal feelings- trying my best to maintain an aloof and reserved exterior. One of the issues I've always had with this is that I happen to have a very expressive face that tends to betray my attempts at this. I was told by my boss yesterday that although she finds me pleasant, funny, sweet and kind sometimes I'm a bit scary. Tension and anger show easily in my face. I work with the public, so this is an issue. She ALSO told me that some of my coworkers think I'm a 'psycho'. Haha- this was a moment of getting punched in the gut with truth. I respected her honestly, though it stung a bit. I had no idea I was walking around with all this inner turmoil and tension written all over my face. So I tried an experiment tonight- I relaxed. I didn't think of all the gossip and resentments I've accumulated during the 2 years I've been employed at this job. I just went in, took care of customers, helped coworkers when needed, and left. Guess what? I was so much more at ease, got a very generous tip from a table, had fun with no worries, collected my $$ and that was that. Really, I though I was being all serene for the past 10 months at work, but I truly was carrying around all this junk in me about 'who said what' and being all anxious about others perceptions of me. I do have control over my reactions to things... But it does have to go a bit deeper than phony facial expressions. By trying to be above letting out a split second of frustration because a coworker just walked into me again ( or some other stupid thing- fill in the blank...) it really does just fester and grow. Another thing I, and many others I'm sure, am just now learning is how to identify emotions. I couldn't do this for my whole life, really. I felt 'bad' or 'good'- I was do out of touch with my feelings and emotions that I really have a rudimentary understanding of them. Its funny that I can identify and understand these things in others, but I always thought I was 'above' having them myself. In my mind, it was a weakness to have emotions, and if I had them, I certainly wouldn't be fool enough to express them. I dunno, I'm kind of rambling a bit. I guess what I'm trying to say is I learned a lot today.
Hey Col,,,,,,,, 24 hours ,thats all we got each day...,,,ramblin's cool....and you seem to be a nite owl like me....Yes it is true ,in recovery More is revealed each day! Cya
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
That sounds pretty par for the course for close to a year sober. It takes a good while to distringuish what things about you and the way you act are things you want to change, things worth changing...versus that it may be just you and that are really okay. For example, you may maiintain some degree of social shyness and not wanting to let all your emotions hang out in public. That could be just the type of person you are and that's not pathological. Its fine...better than fine.
I was chuckling while reading the post because my struggle was (and often still is) exactly the opposite. I was overemotional and having meltdowns and crying and such a baby. Also, my demeanor and facial expression was such that people would (and sometimes still do) come up to me and say "Aw...it's not that bad. Cheer up!" They do that when I am not even sad. Or ask "What's wrong?" I guess it's cuz I am thinking and in my head so much that my facial expression looks like I'm weighted down by problems all the time. Dunno. I also drag my feet when I walk so that also got me pegged as Debbie Downer. I've heard I am also like Eeyore. Now is nothing like it used to be when I thought I was a depressed person or actually was depressed all the time. People do comment some now that I walk around with my head held up high now. I look people in the eyes more. I am more confident and my message is more hopeful.
So...I have changed but some of the vibes I put off are the same sometimes. It's all good and it will be for you too.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Nothing major happened today- just another 24 hours under the belt. I did realize a few things about myself, though. Often when I have realizations about my own behavior, things I've heard others say in meetings run through my head. I understand that I'm not all that unique, much to my dismay at times. I have a very tough time expressing emotions. I've always been this way. I conceal feelings- trying my best to maintain an aloof and reserved exterior. One of the issues I've always had with this is that I happen to have a very expressive face that tends to betray my attempts at this. I was told by my boss yesterday that although she finds me pleasant, funny, sweet and kind sometimes I'm a bit scary. Tension and anger show easily in my face. I work with the public, so this is an issue. She ALSO told me that some of my coworkers think I'm a 'psycho'. Haha- this was a moment of getting punched in the gut with truth. I respected her honestly, though it stung a bit. I had no idea I was walking around with all this inner turmoil and tension written all over my face. So I tried an experiment tonight- I relaxed. I didn't think of all the gossip and resentments I've accumulated during the 2 years I've been employed at this job. I just went in, took care of customers, helped coworkers when needed, and left. Guess what? I was so much more at ease, got a very generous tip from a table, had fun with no worries, collected my $$ and that was that. Really, I though I was being all serene for the past 10 months at work, but I truly was carrying around all this junk in me about 'who said what' and being all anxious about others perceptions of me. I do have control over my reactions to things... But it does have to go a bit deeper than phony facial expressions. By trying to be above letting out a split second of frustration because a coworker just walked into me again ( or some other stupid thing- fill in the blank...) it really does just fester and grow. Another thing I, and many others I'm sure, am just now learning is how to identify emotions. I couldn't do this for my whole life, really. I felt 'bad' or 'good'- I was do out of touch with my feelings and emotions that I really have a rudimentary understanding of them. Its funny that I can identify and understand these things in others, but I always thought I was 'above' having them myself. In my mind, it was a weakness to have emotions, and if I had them, I certainly wouldn't be fool enough to express them. I dunno, I'm kind of rambling a bit. I guess what I'm trying to say is I learned a lot today.
Excellent post Col, ...
Emotional growth is something we tend to really get 'caught-up in' in the latter part of the first year (as PC referred to) ... When the 'brain fog' slowly disappears, we start to 'recognize' the signs in others that disturb us and what we have come to know as the 'right way' to think and act ... when others don't grow along with us, we tend to start taking their inventory and recognizing their faults ... at some point, it usually dawns on us that we are irritated by the same behaviors that we used to exhibit in our past ... secretly we want them to 'do right', like we have learned we should be ...
The 'face' doesn't lie ... the longer we go without a drink or a drug, the more we become 'aware' of the emotions of others, the more we become proficiant at reading others moods and thoughts, just by the way they express themselves throught looks and speech ... ... ... Those, like your boss, who have matured much more than we have can read us almost as accurately as a 'psychic' ... ... ... and when we 'put on a happy face', if it is not real, it'll tell on our face in a 'heart-beat' ... ... ...
Early in recovery, we battle the 'old thinking' being replaced by the new us (our new way of thinking) ... we are going through that complete 'psychic change' that was referred to in the 'Doctor's Opinion' ... ... ... In addition to saying the 'Serenity Prayer' a hundred times a day back then, I also recalled the 'Let Go, Let God' saying ... ... ... this helped me through a rough period of change ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
