Just curious what you all think about this. Is it appropriate to approach a coworker, who's in the program, regarding his breaking the anonymity of another coworker who's new to the program? Just a little background- I have been advised to steer clear of this gentleman by my sponser, because he has exhibited predatory type behavior in the past. I have disengaged from him as much as possible. The person new to the program is unaware that this gentleman is breaking his anonymity, and has yet to approach me about the program or sobriety. I feel as though this is a very serious breach of ethics, and could be potentially threatening to the newcomers sobriety. The gentleman in question is one I've never encountered at meetings aside from him showing up out of the blue at my old regular daily meeting after I told him I attended. So, it's not a 'bring it up at a meeting' situation. I am very torn here, and dont know if this is a situation that's none of my business . Im having a 'mama bear' feeling about this newcomer- he's a great guy and has less than 2 weeks sober. Advice??
if it was me I might be tempted to speak to him directly but perhaps a more cautious approach is called for. I would suggest talking to your sponsor about it. She may know of someone better placed to offer this chap some guidance.
You are right that this is a pretty bad breach of our tradition of anonymity but unfortunately the traditions are not laws to be enforced in the ordinary sense. They are still laws though, and the penalty for breaching them is spiritual in nature.
Another thought. Does the newcomer know about you? How do you know about him. Perhaps you can be in a position to offer support when he finds out. But please be careful you don't end up being blamed.
Col, I would leave it alone for a couple of reasons:
1. It could cause you to have to interact more with the sick predator guy you are trying to stay away from. 2. This guys has his own HP and it will work out without your involvement. 3. Lots of wrong stuff happens in the world that we are powerless over and is this worth your thinking about and intervening with 2 potentially sick people, neither of which are inside your hula hoop? 4. Would you consider is so wrong if people were talking about this guy being a drunk? Probably not so much...so while someone busting his AA anonymity is bad (really bad) it's still better than them going around calling him an active drunk or druggie. Heck - I tend to think people knowing I'm in recovery is a good thing. I'm not offended and you don't know if this guy would care either. 5. Don't doubt a newcomer's ability to handle their own challenges. 6. The program as a whole can carry the newcomer but you can't as an individual and the load could break you if you try to. 7. I know some folks talked about me and said I was crazy inside and outside of the rooms. You know what though? I was crazy and now I'm not so much and they can all suck it. I had a problem. I worked hard. I got better. Good for me. Haters and gossips can kick rocks!!! 8. Sounds like intervening would amp up high drama from a personality disordered person prone to drama and a newcomer that might be prone to make chaos and drama too. 9. Odds are the newcomer won't find out and therefore it falls in the range of trying to make a situation right in a situation where it will hurt the other person.
Just my take. This was not meant to be a rant on you for caring because those instincts are good but we can't be everything to everyone and not all situations are "fixable."
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Wow - excellent points have been made. I'm sometimes blown away with hope for what's in store if I stay the course. Thanks guys!
I still have big issues with trying to play God. I think my biggest defect of character is trying to be God actually. These days at least. I have to constantly keep it in check - so thanks for the topic Col - I'm probably going to be keeping this thread tucked away where I can read it frequently!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There are several times I have run into the same situation. Depending on my own take on things regarding principles over personalities, unity opposed to division, my own motives ... ect, ect... i try to stay clear of participating in the drama, chaos, and issues of others. Unless invited to the table by those being adversely afflicted by another.
I have a sponsee that did exactly the same thing... was breaking someone's anonymity. A third party approached me about it and asked if I would talk to him about it.... Anonymity in general, and I did. I never had to mention the other person's name, nor any one else's, but we sat down and talked about the importance of protecting other members anonymity, and why its so important that we honor this tradtition for both the newcomer and the oldtimer a like, and the spiritual value of not instigating, or participating in gossip and rumors about other members. The problem was resolved that day without it turning into a he said, she said, that you said type of exchange.
Other times, I have approached the newcomer my self, and let them know they have a right to have their anonymity respected, what that means and why, and if it ever causes them a problem, they don't need to be afaid to say something about it to the big mouth. Most have stated, they would consider the source and not worry so much about it, but simply try to understand that the one breaking it might be sicker than they are, and they would pray for that as*hole. LOL
Preditors don't stand a chance around me. I will call them out on their behavior in a heart beat, and if I don't seem to get their attention after having done it in private, I'm not opposed to bust on them in a meeting about what they are doing and how its effecting the well being of other members. And if that doesn't seem to bring it to an immediate end... well, then me and a few of the boys will meet them outside after a meeting... and the rest of that version is not pretty.
I do tend to agree with Pink... how much of it is my business and what role I am taking in it needs to be tempered most the time...
The Higher Power of my understanding doesn't send a bunch of weak newcomers into our care... they are already falling under so much grace and mercy its obvious that God has their back and I might be stepping in the way of a lesson that He is teaching them about tolerance and unconditional love. My trying to intervene or mingle in something I have not been invited to rarely has quality results for any one, including me.
"The courage to change the things I can" was a great part of my recovery. It allowed me to "come out" of my fear and shyness and confront with love and respect. I learned from those in program who loved me about confronting and I practiced those examples and mentoring and still do. If you let it pass it becomes a permission was one of the mind sets and because of my membership in both programs I don't want that to erode the spirituality of either. "The courage to change the things I can" starts with HP+Jerry F conversation...a period of listening and listening to the traditions of our fellowship and the oldtimers and then action. Sometimes there is another member(s) who HP places there in front of me which is proper. Grow. ((((hugs))))
Great responses here (above) ... like Tasha inferred, this is a good learning experience for me too ...
We all know that 'Anonymity' is THE spiritual foundation of all our traditions ... ... ... if anonymity is broken intentionally, then we still have a very sick person ... personally?, ... I love John's approach ... but all the responses here were great ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
