My name is Michael and I'm an alcoholic. I'm down with my parents and husband in the countryside in the UK. There aren't really any meetings nearby so it's good to have this forum to share. I just graduated from my treatment programme of three months on Thursday. Coming down here until Monday was pretty much the first thing that I did. I had also sent my parents a mother's day card earlier saying that, basically, I had realised that I had often been proud, defensive and difficult in my adult life. I thanked them for their constant help in my adult life and hoped that things would be better going forward. (They haven't been bad but ...)
So here I am and first two days are over with bonhomie in the air. But I can increasingly feel myself getting more and more annoyed by the idle chatter (they always say the same thing about everything which is almost the most obvious - and it's been the same for many years) about the constant telly watching, the lack of ownership of personal feelings, the time it takes for anything to get done... I've kept my mouth shut so far and I hope I can continue. There are certain set things and phrases that one is expected to say (generally agreeing with whatever sentiment has been expressed, normally a value judgement) Sometimes I do these things sometimes I remain silent. But beyond nodding and smiling what is there to do? I can't solemnly express my frustration about the above even if I own it. Luckily I have some friends who live down the road (even though I'm not from here) so I can go and have a break with them. My partner gets annoyed when I "complain" as he sees it. Not sure there is an answer to all this. Nodding and smiling and trying to remain fond of the parents is probably the best of it, but if anyone has any identification or thoughts I'd be glad to read them.
Of course I must remember the two or three occasions when all this got too much for me and I used alcohol to escape - often swigging vodka at breakneck speed from the drinks cabinet and being caught by my sister, or drinking loads of wine and being so hungover that I had to sleep off the next day, or arguing / shouting with my mother. So this is an huge improvement and whatever I do will be under my control as opposed to that of an alcoholic.
Hey Michael, Welcome! Dealing with family can be a real challenge in all stages of sobriety! Just chill and take a few walks and enjoy the good parts of the family. This too shall pass. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Aloha Michael and welcome to the board...sit, listen and learn was hugely important for me when I first got into recovery. "There's only one thing you gotta change" I was told and then the suggestion was finished with "everything". Too bad your understanding is that there is an absence of AA groups in your area. Call your rehab if you haven't already and ask if they have a directory of when and where the rooms are open to you and if they are still more scarce ask them if they would donate room to start and run one...then you contact AA world service and ask them...how do I get "my" meeting going? Chances are dim that you are going to survive this "dry" period using the same brain, emotions and behaviors you came into rehab with. Evidence? Your thinking and feeling about your parents behaviors and choices are the same...not because of them and because for whatever reason you choose to use the old tools which didn't work of resentment and judging and self centeredness which are "normal to the fearful manipulative alcoholic". If nothing changes...nothing changes. Doing the same things over and over again is the definition of insanity...just a couple truthism I was given when I arrived. Every recovering alcoholic can use those. Be careful that shaing your complaints with those who don't know the program and how successful it is doesn't get you invited to a drink...often times that is what "normies" do to anestethize bad feelings. What I learned for that condition was to practice and say "No thanks, I've had enough". You're not going to be with your parents for the rest of your life I understand...just the Easter weekend. Practice the attitude of gratitude you've already acknowledged and validation of who they are and how long they have successful been here. Obviously the world isn't going to always revolve around me the way I want it to...it never has and I handle that much better alcohol free and sober than I do under the influence. I get to sit at my computer and share with you rather than occupy limited cell space wet and airconditioned. Part of my experience. Be grateful. You have a power greater than your parents and your partner and of course yourself?...Use it else wise you default into thinking, feeling and acting that you are that "higher power" which is beyond truth...trite and fasination. Hope you find more and greater help in our MIP family....stick around here cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Thanks all - yes happy with three months. Well of course the problem with nodding and smiling is that it only lasts for so long. Over a greater period of time one must be assertive about one's feelings otherwise explosions occur. Bottling up has been a major problem for me - I'm English after all! But I'm thinking this Easter Weekend will go all right. I'm noticing more the buttons my mum presses and not reacting so much and otherwise just being sunny - indeed, the sun has come out. We're off to have lunch with my sister soon and then it will be tomorrow with the coach leaving at four, so the experiment of post-rehab, in-fellowship Michael looks like it will (one day at a time) come off. I don't think I could do this if I weren't honest about my experience in rehab and the Fellowship.
Of course I must remember the two or three occasions when all this got too much for me and I used alcohol to escape - often swigging vodka at breakneck speed from the drinks cabinet and being caught by my sister, or drinking loads of wine and being so hungover that I had to sleep off the next day, or arguing / shouting with my mother. So this is an huge improvement and whatever I do will be under my control as opposed to that of an alcoholic.
thanks
Michael
Hi Michael,
Welcome to MIP.
I thought Jerry's post was very applicable to your circumstances. What I read from you was that those feelings of restlessness, irritability and discontent were returning. Our old way of treating that was with a few drinks.
If you are one of us, we have no effective defence against the first drink. That defence must come from a higher power and we connect with that through the steps. Usually the Power kicks in around step 9. Up until that point we are subject to that strange mental blank spot, where we are unable to bring into our consciousness with sufficient strength, the memory of the humiliation of even a week or a month ago. In other words, if you are one of us, your memory will provide no defence at all.
Rehabs are a great place to get sober but I don't think any of them claim that they can keep you sober for good. That requires a new way of living, and as it turns out, a way of life infinitely more rewarding and satisfying than the old way. The way to find it is through the fellowship and the steps, sooner rather than later.
God bless,
MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Monday 1st of April 2013 04:31:00 AM
