Everybody has days that don't click right Col....It's called life. It helps me to not only read this....But to practice this...when I'm not clicking.
When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why.
If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works - it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined.
bb pgs 86-87
Sending you prayers for willingness Col...Keep on keeping on...You're doing great!
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 25th of March 2013 09:25:06 PM
Oh boy... Today's been a rough one. This is gonna sound really stupid and ridiculous- but most of you have heard both from me at certain points by now:) It all started when I bought a new pair of jeans. I'm all thinking I'm looking good- caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection and was horrified. I started crying because I looked like a junkie playing dress up (that's what my head tells me sometimes). Sometimes I still really, deeply hate myself. It just hits me like a train. So it starts with the body-image thing, then quickly goes way down when my boss at work didn't say hi to me, but said hi to my coworker. Then my head goes back to the old broken record of self-loathing and 'everybody hates me'- and poor me. I spent half the night fighting back tears. Then had to make real physical effort to not go into any of the dozen bars on my way home. I just can't seem to snap out of it. Im feeling like I'm not even worth the effort- F it, ya know. I just don't know why I went into this tailspin over something so superficial and meaningless. I went to a meeting in the midst of this meltdown, and feel like there's just something I'm not doing right. Uurrgghh ! Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes. A couple of prayers wouldn't hurt.
One thing I am learning in my process of recovery is that drinking will only make any problem worse. I'm sure you're already aware of this, but after giving in and drinking the self-loathing and hatred and insecurity are all still there in the morning - only, they are magnified because of a wicked hangover and a feeling of having fallen so far after spending so much time building ourselves up. You have been sober for much longer than I have and so I'm sure you have coping methods, but in my short time I have found that sometimes just laying in bed and breathing and praying and trying to focus on the blessings that have come with sobriety can be enough to push through all of the sinister old voices urging us to drink and destroy ourselves.
I obviously don't know you, but I feel like I can identify with a lot of what you have written about going through. It sounds like music is a big part of your life. Maybe it would be a good idea to try getting lost in music, like Tanin suggested. A pair of headphones and a pillow can be a miraculous thing.
Anyway, stay strong and good luck. You can do this :)
Best,
Adam
__________________
When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
No col, your not the only one and its not stupid. It happens to guys too, just different. We spend most of our lives in self condomnation,self hatred and the like, it doesnt go away over night. Stick with the program and i promise it will go away, just not by friday. Its these ups and downs that we fight and struggle through that builds our commitment to recovery and we get stronger and find self love. Just keep one foot in front of the other, walking past those gin mills. Its not a requirement we go through this crap gracefully, just go through it, some times its rolled up in a ball on the floor holding on for dear life. But there is always always the other side. Glad you made it through the gauntlet of bars, been there a few times my self. Prooves God was walking with you. And that prooves your worth so much more then your head tells you.
__________________
Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
One common trait us alkies have is that we are narcissistic as HELL! You see things others don't see and VICE VERSA! One of the reasons for this is day after day we are fed pictures, etc., of what THE MEDIA'S idea of beautiful is SUPPOSED to look like, which is all make-up, airbrushing, in other words, PHONY! This is all geared to SELL PRODUCTS! Folks are shovelling out the bucks for DANGEROUS diet supplements, etc. Wanna know why models are thin? Because the camera adds weight. And BMI? If I weighed what that says I'm supposed to for my height, I'd be a skeleton! When I look at your picture I just wanna pinch those adorable cheeks!(Not 13th steppin', just bein' a fella...) Lousy day at work? 1) It's monday, and 2) google "A boss is like a diaper" Self-loathing is also a very common trait. I know because I'm a world class pro in THAT department. It's very dangerous so please listen and heed our replies! Sending positive vibes your way, pretty lady! WE LOVE YOU!
It's just your disease trying to get you fired up so that you'll drink. Reading daily affirmations helps with the old self talk stuff. Replaces it with positive messages.
Hey Col,,Yup WE all stumble and fall but WE don;t pick up ,no matter what,,and you kept walking past the area where you could have instantly cashed your ticket for another possible last ride on the downbound train to oblivion,,a major step forward. Couple things that really do help when our illness starts that relentless whispering in our ears,WE squish it before it starts screamin!!
Helping other people is a wonderful way to build self-esteem. It makes the person feel useful and also means that WE are spending less time judging ourselves.
It is possible for us to replace our negative thinking patterns with more positive ways of dealing with the world. WE can do this by using a gratitude journal or deliberately focusing on the positive things in life. WE may need to question any should statements that arise in our minds. This is usually just a means of making ourselves feel guilty about the things we may not be doing.
Learning to accept other people as fallible also makes it easier for the us to accept our own limitations. Nobody is perfect. And ,oh yeah,you are not unique here,we all get dem blues,Life on Lifes terms gonna continue coming at us no matter where we are in our process of recovery(recovered a day at a time,or as I like to see it being in remission as I continue daily remaining in that fit spiritual condition,guided by my HP and working in the Solution to the best of my ability.... Always in support and prayer,,,This too shall pass.............
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Prayers sent. Glad you did the right thing and went to a meeting. We alcoholics are sensitive people and it can take awhile to slowly grow out of it.
Best just to put it all in perspective.
#1. window reflections are not a good indicator of how you actually look....you could look great at 10;00 and crappy at 1:00 depending on the sunlight angle.
#2. I'm sure you are reading way too much into the Boss saying Hi or not. Especially if your boss is male...his head is probably 100 miles away from being aware of who he said Hi to, or who he didn't. Ask me how I know. Besides, you are great at your work!
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thank you all for responding with support:) after posting I called my sponser- who talked me outta the tree, then a few of my girls in the program to talk about them and where they are at. Funny how that seems to work. Prayed, of course- which always helps me. I realized that I was unknowingly keeping a backlog of 'reasons' to drink way back in my head- new resentments that I didnt know that I had, but all to support my own deep insecurities. It starts with 'Gosh, I could use a few pounds cuz I look anorexic in these jeans' to 'F AA- how bout all those people who aren't nice to me' to 'I just want to destroy myself with vodka right now, and I dont even care'. Crazy thing, the head of an alcoholic. One thing that Alcohater said that really resonated with me was the tendency towards narcissism- definetly true for me. Although the body image issue is kinda backwards for me personally. I have the opposite problem from most women in that I'm very thin- I actually used to model due to it. People freely tell me that I should eat more. This serves to make me obsessive about appearance, and also to support my feeling different than others. It's all a crazy, stupid way to hate on myself. My thoughts on most things tend to run towards 'if I can't be perfect, why bother trying at all'. Narcissism is another defect of character revealed through working the steps, and it pops up every now and then. Whatever- I didn't drink, today's a new day (a friend of mine always says that, and it used to make me want to punch him in the face LOL). Thanks so much for advice and support. Stepchild, I'm including that reading in my nightly routine from here on out:) Also- how true, Tanin! When I think of all the times I said 'F it' in the past, it NEVER ended well:)
-- Edited by Col on Tuesday 26th of March 2013 08:08:41 AM
col, when was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? i dot mean at yer hair or to see if there are any dust bunnies on yer shirt. i mean look right into your own eyes? i highly suggest doin it. tell yerself something to the effect," im not a junkie, not ugly, not anything those negative thoughts say i am. i am a child of God and he dont make no junk! im not a bad person, im just sick, but im getting weller and i like myself today!" keep doin it every time you are by a mirror because yer awesome and deserve it!
-- Edited by tomsteve on Tuesday 26th of March 2013 09:16:03 AM
But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.
Hi Col,
I'd just like to emphasise part of Stepchild' very practical contribution above. That morbid reflection can be a real trap sometimes. You are doing fine, working through the steps and kicking "A", and when you review your day you will see plenty that's positive too. Steps 10 and 11 are meant to keep us on track today, earlier steps deal with the past. You can start practicing with 10 and 11 at any time. I think the book says something like 'we vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past".
And if you are worried about your short comings, don't be. We asked God to remove our shortcomings precisely because we can't fix them ourselves, but He seems to do it in His time, not ours. Often times there are lessons for us to learn along the way, some a bit painful. But if we have completely given ourselves to this simple program, He will keep us safe and protected.
I'll send a prayer for you Col, but I think He already has His eye on you .. it'll be OK.
God bless,
MikeH
-- Edited by Stepchild on Monday 25th of March 2013 09:25:06 PM
Don't have much time to write but wanted to say hang in there Col....you are loved and an integral part of this community and many others. Use your tools to get out of that funky head space when it happens!
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Prayers sent Col. I actually sent them back in time to when the situation arose. As you know, by altering the space time continuum, I have just given you numerous outcomes to choose from. I am sure that you have chosen the "I actually look fine in the jeans, and my boss is an a-hole anyway" option. Seriously though, this is a great thing to live through and recognize it for what it is--your disease trying new avenues to get to you. Next time it happens, you will recognize how to see through it and it will not catch you off guard. There will be more "tests" perpetrated by your disease, but you get better and better at handling them. This too shall pass. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Oh Col - you have said some really amazing things here in this thread - thanks for that - it's just the boost I needed today : ) I love that I have had the privilege of watching you grow this past 10 months, and I really look up to yoU : )
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Prayers sent you way Col! I'm glad to see you pulled through. Yes, I have days like that too! My dis ease will use anything it can to open the door and gain access. Sometimes I don't even know how it happened. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It's also subtle, it can creap in at any time.
I work out with weights and run. Most days I feel grateful that God gave me the gift of willingness and ability to do this. Then, there are days I look in the mirror and ask why can't I see my abs? I'm too heavy, I look like sh*t and so on......... What I found is when my attitude changes from gratitude to entitlement or achievement, I'm in trouble. This is my perfectionism working it's way in. If only I could see my abs and muscles, I would be all set. Way wrong- That won't bring happiness, but could bring it's own set of problems. Once again, I'm looking for happiness in the wrong place.
Sounds like you did the right thing Col, called you Sponsor, talked to others and went to a meeting. Taking action- that's what The Program is about.
In this particular situation, I also: I take a step back and regain my composure and try to be happy with what I have and not angry with what I think I need. A gratitude list either written or listed out in my head helps. Prayers of thanks to God for the gift of recovery and peace of mind.
Peace of mind is priceless for me. Many good things come from it. I would replace how I look with peace of mind anyday!