I read recently that one of the best things about being sober is that we can reach a point where we no longer fear the future.
I have thought a lot about this statement, whether I think it is true, and why or why not. After almost six weeks of newfound sobriety, I am already finding myself loosening my grip on what used to scare me most about the future. Those things included:
1) Getting diagnosed with some horrible form of cancer and *knowing* that it was because of my drinking
2) Doing something profoundly stupid while drunk and losing my job
3) Doing something profoundly stupid while drunk and losing my family
All three of those things were items that haunted me constantly because they felt inevitable if I continued drinking the way that I was. And I know that even sober, any number of terrible things could happen in the future - but I am finding significant relief in knowing that for as long as I am sober 2 and 3 will not happen, and 1 will be significantly lesser in odds. In some ways, I feel like no matter what happens in the future, as long as I'm sober I will have greater ability to accept my circumstances because I'll know it wasn't caused by my constant need to stay drunk. That, in itself, makes me fear the future less.
Anyway, just some random thoughts for the night. I'd be curious to hear what other people think about that statement :)
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Haha, Adam- I, too, feared both 1 and 2... And 3 I guess, because I always considered my friends my 'family'. Well, both 2 and 3 actually did happen due to my drinking. A few jobs I lost- almost lost the 2 I had due to drinking related behavior when I initially got sober. All but 2 of my close friends were gone, my biological family not even a thought to me. Guess what? I didn't care. My health was declining- I was plaqued by strange, mysterious ailments all the time- kinda cared, but continued drinking. Anyway- at 7 months sober I got fired from one of my two jobs ( for good reason). Man, I was scared! Envisioning myself homeless, starved- catastrophe building in my newly sober mind. Guess what? It's all just kinda worked out, and I learned a very valuable lesson about priorities. Remaining sober and building a spiritual life was number 1- everything else will be figured out. It was a hard lesson to learn. A lot of my fear fell away as a week or two went by, and things fell into place with my then part- time job, now only job. I prayed hard... Funny how it seemed to work out. Most importantly, I remained sober and developed a deeper trust in myself and my HP. It was quite liberating, actually. Whenever I feel fear (which pops up out of nowhere sometimes), I know that I have my HP, AA, and myself to get me through. That's really all I need. It's late, I'm tired- dunno if that made sense:)
Maybe I shouldn't respond and then maybe you still have something left of yourself where I didn't especially in the compassion and empathy department. For me like Col...I just didn't care. Self centered to the extreem and with an ego that constantly bumped into people, places and things. I also wore the Alcoholic personality as described in the psychological profiles..."a risk taker". I had a huge "I can" attitude with a rational that said "...because I can". I had to be sober and in the program for awhile to recognize and feel fear and my greatest fear I had to loose was the fear of being crazy...insane...I couldn't control my thinking and emotions (didn't even know what emotions were then) and everything I did came as a result of reaction. My head told me the stories and drew the pictures which were attached and I was delusional. I learned in the program an acronym for fear which helped me a lot and told me that my delusional mind was in control...False Evidence Appearing Real. When I came to understand that and that I had choices which my sponsor told me should be based upon the consequences I wanted and needed, I was free from fearbased delusion. Alcohol was a tremendous anesthetic for me...when I drank I felt only anger and rage and didn't fear the consequences of that. I could always get another job and family.
Might not be what you wanted to hear and then it's my experience only. Keep coming back...you're doing great.
Ive heard another acronym for fear being...F@#* Everything And Run or FAce Everything And Recover. To me these are the 2 choices I have when I start to fear something. The first being typically what I did when I drank. The second is what I'm trying to work on now. And the future!? o man I just have to stay focused as best I can on what is going on in the moment. It doesn't take this brain long to get squirrely with just a few minutes of alone time. I can start projecting a lot of negativity about the future. I'm trying hard to just Let Go and Let God. Keep the faith that I'm going to be cared for and things will work out.
When I first started chairing meetings at my home group, I read a list of topic suggestions and was shocked to see "Fearing Wreckage of the FUTURE"...
I thought I was the only one who was so consumed with fear of something that might or might not happen. Heck, I was so sick I even resented people that didn't exist yet..."them"... the next guy to be with my ex... ect.
It was obvious that fear ran through my veins, far of yesterday catching up to me, and tomorrow never unfolding the way I wanted or hoped it would. Fear of loosing what I had or not getting what I need...
Today I live in faith, to the very best of my ability and when I'm there, there isn't any room for fear in me.
