Myself as a sober person is unnatural. To be this person I have to change my nature and deny myself what the real me wants. My natural default setting is to be a drunk and to be drunk. That's who I am if I don't do anything to stop it. But that'll drive me insane, hurt others that love me, and kill me if I let it. So I can't let the real me live the life it wants to live, and for that to happen I need to work at it.

 

Somedays the work is easy and a joy, and the rewards are amazing. 

Somedays... somedays I feel like screaming and crying and just crawling into that bottle and never coming out because that way I'll stop feeling, because I'm not very good at feeling sometimes.

 

*Sigh*

 

I'm OK. Just a bit squished by the world right now. I need to do a gratitude list and remember that wishful thinking never turned an orange into an apple no matter how hard it tried. It probably helped turn many a plumb into a prune though.

 

Just for today I need to accept I am an orange, and that I need to be at peace with that in this 24.

 

OK. Letting go in 3... 2... 1...

Orange you very reflective this fine morning . . .

Frodo - I feel this too. It does seem like more often than not sometimes too. That gratitude list does help - but sometimes I also have to think about a family down the road that lost their only 2 teenage children in a car wreck. I see the father at tractor pulls. He's finding some happiness in life - doing his tractor thing - but he does have a dull gray look overall... compared to before.

I imagine he's doing what he knows how to do to 'pull' out of it.

Your family life situation... hmmm.... I would imagine you have some things just for you that you enjoy so much that when you return, you are a stronger, happier Dad, and ex husband, and friend or neighbor. I try and take to the thing I love the most - my piano. It's kind of like a drug and an escape... music... making it, creating it and getting lost into it. I can over do it. My little ones know this and groan and whine as soon as they see me sit down on the piano bench. 1/2 hour of me doing something totally for me is a lot of time for them. They can't understand how rejuvenating it is for me... I remember not understanding my mothers rest time and being bitter.

I stay away from the piano most of the time. It is beautiful - in all it's grand black beauty - and it is unloved. Therefore, my passion is unloved too. I wish I could tell you how to take more time for yourself and not feel torn up about how things are. I over do it to be there, and bend over backwards for my kids and family too - trying to make it right for them. I suppose I'm not trusting in the God I do not understand, to take care of them... and take care of me.

Maybe I want to force my will into the whole situation. That I know better. Maybe I think I can do it all. Maybe I'm not listening to my gut - where my HP seems to dwell. I suppose I'm using my head a little too much... I've never found Him there... only from the heart on down.

Thanks for the thoughts - it has helped me... I am not alone.

Luke, I feel a disturbance in the Force ... ... ...

Frodo, ... One thing I strive for on a daily basis now, is for God to take me today and do with me as He/She sees fit ... as reflected in my morning prayers ... ... ... when one has done this for years, I think we can become complacent in our purpose here, for today ... and the mind starts to wander & wonder again as in the past ... we start to question just where do I fit into the overall scheme of things ??? ...

I have often struggled with the 'how can I remain positive' for today ... again ... ... ...

I get the feeling I need something to 'stir' things up ... that's one of the reasons I think Dean is so at ease in sobriety, he changes the scene ever so often, by vacation, by finding something for a few days to enjoy himself, to relax and to reflect ... to recharge so to speak ... I have trouble with that and always have ... my wife and I have a mentally handicap son who is 39 y/o ... conditions now are such that we/she sees him monthly for a weekend, always has ...

This means we have never been on a vacation except for a week in the mountains of Colorado, camping ... (a motorcycle trip) ... before our son was born ... I'm not complaining mind you, I'm just stating a condition that made it easy for me to become the raging alcoholic I became ... after 40 years of marriage, that has never changed, still, no vacation ... I'm simply saying that after such a long time, it starts to look like a prison ... or is it a condition of the mind only ??? ... ... ... It is very dangerous for me to start comparing what I have versus that of which others have been blessed ...

Today, I have sobriety ... no matter what else ... I cannot drink ... God grants me strength to hold onto this if I so desire ... It took about 15 years AFTER I knew I was alcoholic, to stop drinking, through AA ... I must never forget the wars and battles I struggled with over the years to get to where I am ...

Thank you Frodo for making me question my 'REASON' for wanting to stay sober 'TODAY' ... It's because I fought the war yesterday and won ... so today, I shall remain grateful to have what I have, and to offer my help to those who still suffer, I just need to pick up my tools of recovery, reload my guns for today's battles and go fight the good fight ... ... may I never forget the suffering that provided me the transportation to get here where I am today ...

So Frodo, how did you get into my head? I could have written this post. I have been trying to do the suggested things, gratitude list, upping meetings, talking with others, working with others, praying, turning it over...... still, I find myself crazy in my own head and wanting to block out the feelings. The ones I used to block out with alcohol and other things.
Yesterday, in one of my conversations with a fellow sober member of my home group, she said "You know, the book does talk about using outside help, how sometimes that is necessary for some of us." We proceeded to talk about while how many in AA can relate to the general feelings of my struggles, the origins themselves are different than what they may have experienced. Hmmm, for my particular struggles at the moment, she is right. I am not against the idea or concept of seeing a therapist. Funny, until she mentioned it, I hadn't thought about it, but I am now. There are many sources of outside help, therapy, clergy, medical folks. Not sure what will happen, but it's definitely food for thought for this alcoholic.
Today, I am grateful to have people in my life who have felt like I am feeling, and those who have not, but suggest maybe I seek out someone who has or can at least help me further explore my maddness.
And more than anything, I'm grateful to have found this program that allows me to see that I am not alone, and I do not have to travel this path solo. Neither do you.
Thanks for the thread. Hope you got some sleep.

Frodo wrote:

---

Well I clocked up several hundred kms in the car today, and it gave me some good musing time.

It is all about letting go. I'm winding myself tighter and tighter, and I'm becoming an impatient and harsh critic of myself. I'm not living in the moment either.

I need to stop fighting all of this and just be.

When I do that things just work.

When I don't things get hard and start to fall apart.


I think I need to digest this for a little bit, and then get back to this when my thoughts are more collected.

---

 Rule 62 Frodo, is there for a good reason.

About half us lot are neurotic and if we constantly look inwards, we will always find something, and when we do it's just one more thing to worry about. It's easy to forget that this is not a self help program. Our responsibility in this is to be willing, We ask God to remove our defects of character because we can't do it ourselves. If we could, we would have. Often He doesn't remove something straight away, perhaps there is something he wants us to learn? These patches are just growth spurts, and spiritual growth is painful, but it will pass and we will emerge the better for it.

Sobriety in the long run isn't the least bit humdrum. The novelty never wears off, more is revealed everyday. Remember those times in the early days when you felt really good? Sometimes referred to as a pink cloud unfortunately, that was a taste of God's grace. It is something that becomes a normal part of being sober as we progress along the spiritual path. It'll be ok Mate.

God bless,

MikeH.