Great 5th 6th 7th 8th and now to number 9...Made direct amends to such people -except- when to do so would injure them or others. Not to be smug...I hear your 9th in this post and it sounds complete...the awareness and responsibility and new awareness and behavior is the amend. You want to make the apology...express the sadness and compassion and empathy verbally...that I learned was the point where I offered the process up to my HP to make it real if it was necessary in HP's right time. One amends came in 22 years with two round trips from Hawaii to California and when I made contact I understood why all three of us where there in the process because "they" had never been able to let go with what I had done and I was there to make it right and tell them that they were not responsible for what had happened even though they had lived with the active memory. We were all set free. I have another which I have left in the hands of my HP which is 38 years passed from when I acted it out. In was in another country and there were more people hurt than I had names and more people harmed than I even cared about then. My amends have been made and I pray for their peace of spirit. Some will respond and some will not and all of them will be happy you're sober. Thanks for the trust in the board. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 12th of March 2013 12:44:31 AM
I recently read in an article that one of the most difficult parts of getting sober is realizing how the people who tried the hardest to save us were often the ones that we pushed away with the most force. These are those people who called us out on our drinking and who we in turn became enraged at and cut out of our lives. Meanwhile, the people who enabled us and helped support our drinking were perceived as good friends and folks who "understood" us.
For me, it was a woman in college named Veronica. Veronica was a friend that I met over lunch one day when talking about punk music and different concerts that we found out we both had been to in the area. Our friendship formed at the very beginning of my drinking career, when I was still drinking only once or twice a week, but almost always to excess. Still, at this point, I wasn't relying on getting drunk as a way to get away from my life. It was still "fun."
Veronica and I never officially dated, but we became intimately involved and shared a really unique physical and emotional closeness. We spent almost an entire year together and were totally inseperable. Unfortunately, she was also there to watch as alcohol began to consume my life. After a really rough semester I started drinking every single night and passing out with every binge. I isolated myself and began to push Veronica away to be drunk alone.
I remember one night she called me over to her apartment and told me that she was really worried about my drinking. I denied that I had any problem. She later sent me an email detailing how worried she was about me and how I was no longer living to my full potential. I responded with a vicious attack on her and told her that she was nuts, that she was jealous of my "new friends," and that she was judging me as a person - which she needed to stop doing.
After a number of fights, lies, and tears over the course of almost another year, I pushed her away for good and effectively told her I no longer wanted to be friends. In my mind, it was because she was so "judgmental" and "jealous," and blamed the entire break in our relationship on her. I took NO responsibility.
In hindsight, I realize that it was all my fault. And that she was trying to save me. I haven't talked to her in almost eight years, and recently found out that she got married. I haven't reached the step where I am letter-writing, but I do often fantasize about sending her one of those messages where I make amends for acting in such a horrific and unfair way, accepting full responsibility for all the awful things I did. At the same time, I also feel like our relationship carried so much pain and weight that I feel like she would rather not hear from me. I really have no idea, but it is something I think about a lot - especially since I am happy she is now married and (presumably) doing well. I would never want to upset that or bring any more pain into her life.
Those are my thoughts on the day. The person who tried to save me was the person I probably hurt the most. It's one of those things I will live with, and imagine the situation is not unique to me. Alcohol really is the devil, isn't it?
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Those that love us the most ARE those that we do hurt the most ... ... ... toward the end, alcohol destroys the very capacity in our hearts for love ... but the love they give us always seems to go on to the bitter end ... the end where they see that as long as we put alcohol first, they will always be a distant second ... once this sinks in, they will usually give up and let the devil have us ...
King Alcohol is a mighty foe ... but there is ONE who has all power, that one is God, may you find Him now!!!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It sure seems that you have had something on your mind for a very long time!.WE realize in our journey of recovery,a day at a time, that our 9th Step is something that will never really be "finished",our efforts will go on through our recoveries. ' Except when to do so would injure them or others" Always an area to talk with your sponsor about and the God of your understanding and give careful thought to.....but im hearing you living through a presumption "I feel she would rather not hear from me" That is conjecture on your side,not without forethought but still so......Its not necessarily a comfortable process to make amends(I dreaded calling my 1st wife after the devastation I put her through and my mid 40 yr old children)Its funny that sometimes the fear ,the risk and feeling of vulnerability that come from making amends make and it is so uncomfortable for us it helps keep us from ever repeating the behaviors that led to us having to make amends in the first place,I have experienced many.....sounds weird but based on my own evidence I found this to be true, We say "it gets better" THE IT is us,we get better,we become less willing to engage in destructive behavior and become more aware of the cost of misery for both us and others..At this point of amends our foundation,developing our relationship with our HP,our 4th&5th our personal responsibility,humility we gained from our 6th&7th allow us to enter this "zone:without self rightousness or anger,the willingness to "make a list" in our 8th is a prerequistion,,,,I can only surmise Veronica is qualified for that list..
So without further ramblin up in here, You say you have thoughts you have to live with..thats true ..but you can set the damage of the past straight in your heart and with your HP'S guidance,,the spiritual rewards are overwhelming,the immediate effects may even include a sense of freedom or an abscence of guilt or shame for you.The receprient may or may not be receptive but that is not of our concern....I can only suggest praying hard,however or whatever that means for you,seek the support of your sponsor and More will be revealed.You have shared some of that pain here and that is a small freeing of your spirit....The monster of addiction took 25 years of my 65 years of life,2 marriages ,4 children and a partridge in a pear tree, it is a Monster,,but WE have found a new way to live,chock full of support,a giant tool box OF SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES and reliance on a Power greater than us..In support and prayer man thanks for the help today
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Interesting post. I have a good number of people to consider in my 9th step, but I will tell you that the ones who meddled in my life the most are not going to be getting letters or calls from me.
Am I willing to forgive? Absolutely. In fact, I already have. There's a difference, though, between forgiving someone and ever wanting anything to do with that person ever again in your life. I have a handful of people who put their nose in my business where it didn't belong, and I know for sure that it was not an act of love but one of self-serving sanctimony. I know this because of my experience with Al-Anon.
My 9th step is mainly living amends, which I am thankfully living on a daily basis. I can let go of resentments, but those who revealed their true colors to me won't be part of my life, and I won't feel guilty about that.
AlcoholISM might be the devil. Reading the alanon boards and talking to folks over there actually helps my program. I never want to treat people like what I hear them going through day in and day out again.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
