I realized a while ago that I've been going to all topic meetings this whole year. It must be the thing to do at 6:30 when I can get to meetings! LOL
So the past month or so I've been making a point to go to a step meeting on Sunday nights while my husband goes to alanon in the same church.
I've enjoyed hearing how other people have done the steps - it's a fairly good sized meeting, however, I notice that many people just pass because they haven't done the step we're on. I always share because it seems there is a lack of people willing.
Tonight I decided I would continue making this a regular meetin, and asked if I could sign up for some service. I hadn't felt very welcomed, it's a lot of men mostly, I thought maybe it would help break the ice for me and others.
They said that in 2 weeks they'll pass round the clip board to sign up for coffee making or set up etc. I said - okay. Then they went on to say that I would have to show up early - as if it would scare me away. It was weird, so I just smiled and said that would be great!
Then they started loading books into the tubs and spoke amongst themselves... "yeah, that reminds me we have to find someone to chair the next 2 or 3 meetings". I was still standing there so I offered to chair. There was a loooooooooooooooon pause with the sucking air through the teeth, head tipped back with the scrunchy face and the "weelllll, uuuuuuuuuuuummmmm" and then he went on to say that they've had problems with "little girls" coming in from the treatment center and signin up for chairing and not knowing anything about the step they're suppose to lead off the meetings about. Then he asked if I had done the steps and I said yes. Then he went on about some other blather that I don't remember, more fumbling awkwardness, then he asked me again if I've actually done the steps with a sponsor - and I said yes... and then he did more air sucking through his teeth, and then I just said - It's great that you're careful who you have chair the meeting. This hurts my feelings (I had teared up and I don't know why), and I have worked the steps. My husband is waiting for me... see you next week.
Then I walked out and he came runnin after me telling me I took things wrong. What is there to take wrong. He rejected my offer in a very weird hurtful way, and I acted like a human being with emotions and felt hurt that he just assumed I was "not worthy" and didn't bother to ask or believe what I would say. I didn't apologize for being hurt - and I didn't deny it. I was open and honest with him about it, and I felt like I exhibited my own boundaries. I recognized that he was trying to protect the group as a whole - and didn't call him an asshole in the meantime. What more can a "little girl" do???
So I guess my question is - do you have to have a certain amount of sobriety longer than what I do (2 weeks away from a year) to chair a step meeting? I've chaired probably 20 or more times at other topic meetings now... just curious what the norm is...
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I believe the guidelines for being a chairperson lies with the 'group conscience' decision ... They usually set the parameters for their own group ... Typically, around here, the groups require at least 90 days sober to chair a meeting ... However, to chair a Beginners meeting that group requires that you have one year and also worked through Step 7 ... ... ... and I think that to chair a Step meeting that one has to have at least one year and worked the program through the Step that is being studied ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ha!, ... ZAP, ... my fuzzy butt ... ... ... too much missing info for me to assume certain conditions were in place ... as in just how well these group members knew you? ... how many times have you been to their meeting this last 12 months? ... did you know all the members by name? ... Did they, the group members, all know you? ... I was under the impression your sponsor had you attending at least one step study meeting per week the first year, so this caught me a little off guard ...
If you've only attended this meeting in just the last few weeks, and I didn't know you any more than that ... I'm afraid I would have agreed with the old farts that were not too excited about you leading their group meetings either ... Ya see, there's a lot of newbies that come to these meetings that are anywhere from a few days to a few weeks sober ... and I KNOW THAT I WAS ONE OF THEM ONCE AND WAS JUST HERE TO FIND ANY LITTLE EXCUSE I COULD TO LEAVE THAT ROOM AND DRINK ... So the person leading that meeting was on stage to me and I wanted him/her to piss me off in some way ... When you've been 'round long enough, you can sense who that person is in the background there ... and then make sure you lead this thing appropriately ... It really IS NOT a regular meeting ... you must know the BB and the 12 & 12 very well ... and as much as I personally think you could and would do a great job, if those guys hadn't seen you but a few times in the last year, I'd be like them and be questioning your eligibility too ... that's pretty natural ...
BUT, hopefully, there is one, two, or more old timers there during the meeting to 'STEP IN' in the event something got 'off track' ... ... ...
There will be plenty of work for you to do sweetheart, don't let this hurt your feelings one bit ... cause I'm about to guarantee you one thing ... if you continue on the path in sobriety that you are on right now, you will become one of those 'eff'ing' old timers in five to ten years ... ZAP!!!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
There are going to be sick controlling people in all denominations of sobriety. It's not you Tasha. I think that you taught him a lesson and I'm sure he's regretting his BS right about now. Dont let it sour you about anything. Principals above personalities.
Tasha, there is an up side to everything. You got treated that way cuz 1. You are young still and 2. You are female. The first thing is something to be happy about. The second is also...even though that's not going to change (lol hopefully). The age thing....Well....Nobody likes discrimination but likely these guys couldn't believe you were sober with as much time and recovery in you as you have at your age. It is similar to getting carded still when you are over 30.
You won't get that kind of treatment all the time. Also, you are living in an area where gender roles are more fixed. Many of these guys might be thinking "I drank more than she spilled accidentally!" like it's some badge of honor or something to have the worst drunkalogue and also that no woman could have ever been as bad as they were....blah blah.
They can suck it cuz basically that type of AA'er is often stuck in the past and they would see it as your role to be a suck up for years before they thought you had any ESH to share. There are still some out there that roll their eyes when I share and I know it's cuz they think I have too much to say for a Noobie....and this is me with 4 and a half years sober. Many of these older guys have been sitting around listening to nothing but each other for 10, 20, 30 years... Hence, they are very skeptical of anything new (meaning less than 5 to 10 years sobriety). Like most folks, they will warm up once you prove their preconceptions wrong. OR - you could just not bother... Whichever. It's their deal and not yours.
So anyhow....I see it as a likely combo of gender and age stereotyping and neither of those things are things you can help....They are both good things actually.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wow, in all the years I've been in the program I couldn't imagine being treated or treating someone like they did you. I guess we are a laid back bunch up here in the Northeast.
You know - I thought of this last night after I wrote this and laid in bed to do my 10th step (the step they weren't going to allow me to cover next week lol) - and it WAS their deal. I did a good job of acting like a grown up even with the tears. I was able to still collect my thoughts and make thoughtful comments - and I have NEVER EVER done that before! Ever. Not while I'm so emotional I'm tearing up. It's very much me to get overly emotional at this time of the month - and yet, I was still able to grow through it. I'm rather proud of it. I'm not going to allow that incident to change my regular cheery behavior toward that guy next time I see him - nor will I not attend that meeting because of the incident. I've been presented enough gifts in this year to know I go back to the meetings I need to no matter what others are up to. That everyone is just doing the best they how, and it could be totally different today. That's what makes it fun to keep going back - to see others grow and check out what's what without a grudge or a thought of the past.
I'm there for me, and to help others and possibly be there for a newcomer woman - like I was last night, and it was great. I repeated principles before personalities in my head several times, the serenity prayer a couple, and off to sleep I went with a smile.
The only thing I feel really bad about is that I came here and portrayed AA in a bad light to someone new who may have come to the board and read this.
So for the newcomer wondering if AA is just a bunch of BS - I'm here now to tell you it's not. This was just a moment in time - and overall, I am so grateful for AA -ALL OF IT - even life lessons like this one. This is how I grow. This is what shapes me into the amazing person I want to be today. I no longer fumble around in life not caring about a thing other than myself for the majority of the time... and it feels great! It's thanks to AA and ALL the people in it. I appreciate those of you who gave me feed back - it was unbelievably helpful. It's great to be able to vent here, but also pretty selfish. I'm sorry for all my other posts like this too. Time to change my tune.
If you're new - AA is a truly inspiring life changing opportunity - and don't let my complaining sway you in the wrong direction. I'm alive today because of AA.
xxxx
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Um... doesn't it depend on the meeting? There's not a hard-fast rule for who can chair a meeting, it DOES depend on the group conscience.
That said, if it were me, I'd give this meeting the quick heave-ho. I CAN'T STAND the meetings that are all "thanks but no thanks." So freakin' elitist. If it's a Big Book Step Study Meeting, that's one thing because they do have hard-fast rules that you either follow or don't. But if it's just a regular meeting that happens to be Step-themed... they can take their sanctimony and go jump in a lake.
I can only IMAGINE what the people who speak up in that meeting must sound like when they get started. Like the Beginners meetings that attract the people with double digit sobriety and bitch about how their kitchen contractor showed up late to hang the cabinets when there's people in the room who are still sweating at night and can't walk past a liquor store on the way to the sober house without convulsions. If you think they are judging you, move on. Wayyyyyy too many meetings to let one get you down.
This was not a very nice way to treat anyone. I have been in AA x 30 years-some meeting, I'm afraid, are a bit of a 'click' i hope that there is another group you can attend in your area, it sounds like they are the losers, not you. ellie
Okay I took it different. I didn't see a rejection I saw a test. Yessir it was your event and you get to call it like you felt it so there. For me I was taught that my recovery would be tested on a daily basis sometimes lightly and sometimes like my very life depended on it...I always take it like my life depends on it and take on my attitude of gratitude. Others get to see it and say it as they particularly are compelled to and for me that's okay it's just another perspective I might get to use myself in time. When this stuff happens to me I hear that radio announcement that comes with the long signal and the guy that says...don't touch that dial; don't change the station...this is a test; only a test of the emergency warning system. Thank you God...I'm being tracked. You've done well with your recovery and it has been a great support sitting here watching and being taught. Keep coming back and you don't have any control over how anybody sees it or chooses to do with it as they see it. ((((hugs))))
