Wow, I'd be thrilled if my in-laws didn't invite me to every wedding, birthday, christmas party.... It's 65 miles away and in 20 years I've probably spents months of my life, 1000's in gas, and mileage on my car, for what? To stand around and look like one of my wife's wardrobe accessories? Tell me how you did it again.
Seriously, I used to somewhat dread attending these family functions but then this strange feeling came about. I've never had a real family. One day I was talking to someone trying to explain why I built such a big mountain home and I told the person about my wife's 3 brothers, mom, and all their families. I felt I had be accepted into a family that I never had. My brothers in-law always treated me like I was one of them from day one, I just had a problem accepting their kindness. It just wasn't something that I ever knew how to deal with, so I hid from it. A few years ago I had a really good time at a wedding party (informal). I spent time talking to each of my brothers. The all made comments to my wife that something was different about me and that I seemed happier, more social. I didn't think that I acted any or much differently than usually, but they felt what I felt. This is just another counter intuitive situation. What I thought to be liability turning out to be an asset.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 14th of February 2013 10:46:07 AM
Hey Tasha, that's too bad. I'm sure that you've tried "killing them with kindness" and it didn't work. Nothing wrong with picking and choosing which functions to attend. At some point you'll be fully confident to attend, smile and ignore any inappropriate behavior on their part. There is a certain satisfaction that comes with taking the high road. I take pride in it. All this will become not a big deal as time moves on. So do you live in that area because it's close to your in-laws and your husband's home town?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 14th of February 2013 11:43:21 AM
*I want my husband to have a sponsor so he will treat me better and get with the program for me... not for his sake duh!
*The in laws that I have been avoiding, now excluded me from an invitation to my neices birthday party. They sent the invite to my husband - they have never done this before - and he never told me about it. So I just saw some picture posted from it from last week, and called to ask my husband about it, and he said that since he didn't want to go he never told me and then said sorry. I said I was furious and then I hung the phone. Don't they know they are suppose to invite me so I can fret over having to say no for a super long time, then sit home and be uncomfortable that I am avoiding them and complain about it to everyone? How dare they just start to avoid me now that I've avoided them for a year??? How dare they treat me as they've been treated? How dare my husband avoid the drama? I am so pissed I'm on fire! I think I'm going to blow up. If you never see me post on here again, it's because I've exploded. They are suppose to know that I'm doing this because they were the pricks who never ever showed a bit of care for my recovery or disease... and now they are just playing me at my own cotten pickin GAME! DANG!
I still don't know HOW to not play games when my emotions are in charge I guess.
Dang.
*Today is Valentines day, and I feel like I can't cause a big "hoopla" today because then my husband might not send me flowers... and it might be the first day that he'll send me flowers since we were engaged... and I deserve it you know???? I have been SOOO good for a year now... he SHOULD reward me and notice me and live up to my expecations and read my mind just this ONCE! I'm ruining my side game too : (
Why can't I be better than all of this yet???
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You fail to realize that in sharing the insights you just did - you demonstrated how much better you are just for knowing your own MO and being able to humbly address it with yourself and others.
Tasha, you won't stop having emotions and moments where you don't like how you act. That is what the 10th step is for. You are getting MUCH MUCH better at catching yourself and rebounding. That is progress and that is how it works. It is working for you. You are better.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Tasha, ... ... ... WELCOME to year 2 of your program ... ... ...
When you're done with your childish tantrum, then we can get started ... ... ... TRY to keep in mind we have not 'grown-up' yet in recovery, that every day still presents challenges that we need to identify and work on ...
We've seen and come to know and have faith that there is a solution to our life's difficulties, and it's in the knowing, we start to 'EXPECT' certain things in return for our dedication to our program ...
WELL, let's start year 2 off by realizing that 'I' am STILL, NOT in CONTROL ... ... ... that I must continue to 'turn' things over, do what I know works, pray for the best, and except and be grateful for what I get ... (above all, I DO NOT want to let 'King Alcohol' come back and 'handcuff' me and drag me back off to the prison I spent so long trying to escape from ...
Love you girl, thanks for the 'wake-up' call, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Dean - my in laws have never been nice to me - just the opposite. Most of this is just an EXCUSE to do what I've wanted to do all along which is to not WALK RIGHT SMACK dab into people treating me like crap. HOWEVER - I still feel guilty for not going for my kids and husbands sake... HOWEVER - I am learning that it is okay for me to do what's best for me sometimes very slowly...
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey Tasha.......There are still times when I WANT IT ALL also. Patience for me has never been a great asset,but through the years,with daily work,I have made progress and like has already been stated here, you too have made progress,sometimes it just is harder for us to see. WE are responsible for our own recoveries and when we instill our 3rd/11th Steps DILIGENTLY,daily (among others)in all areas of our lives and remain guided by our Higher Power,we do receive that peace that surpasses all understanding....Keep sharing its how WE get help
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hang in there Tasha! You're doing great! Just being aware of situations and taking a step back and honestly looking at the whole picture is progress. In order to heal and grow from our difficulties, we have to be aware they exist. Awareness- Acceptance- Action.
Thought this may be helpful- part of step 10 in the 12 & 12: Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time.
Okay I did a vent like that once...outloud and when I was finished my wife asked me...."So what kinda cheese do you want with that whine"??
Now I act all grown up in front of her and either do or don't do whats seemingly indicated. LOL I love being in control of the spot light. One of the women in my early Al-Anon journey did a short listen in on one of my pity pot vents and in passing smiled at me and said, "Oh just get over it!" I stumpled and sprained my knee while going after her neck!! I'm more domesticated now and know the consequence of letting on that I know I've been had. UH UH!! ((((Go and let your recovery light shine))))...just don't turn it up and blind anyone. ((((hugs))))
I think you probably are better. You played out the "old you" drama here and probably acted sanely in the real world!
Your husband is at fault for being a normal guy....I would have done the same exact thing he did in that situation without really thinking much about it LOL
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
"Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."
there is some very good advise leading up to this paragraph in the big book. i cant afford resentments and, even though, it can be a bugger, i gotta look in the mirror. the sooner i do that, the sonner i get back serenity
really hopin yer doin better today..
-- Edited by tomsteve on Friday 15th of February 2013 03:10:45 PM
i will disagree with something: NOWHERE in the program of recovery does it say we have to sit in pain! we have to go through some pain,bt sit in it? NO!what the program does teach us is we have to make a decision whether we want to continue living in the problem or begin living in the solution. that fear that you are unlovable is a delusion that MUST be crushed! now go look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you ARE worth recovery, you ARE worth the footwork to change, your Higher power DOES love you, and YOU love YOURSELF. keep doin it every time you walk by a mirror. if ya cant belive tht, BELIEVE IT BECAUSE WE BELIEVE AND KNOW IT!!! God dont make no junk!
ya got prayers heading out for you!
-- Edited by tomsteve on Friday 15th of February 2013 04:58:14 PM
Hey Tasha, hope that you are feeling better. Lots of stuff going on. Best to wait till you're over it to analyze it. Then only look at one thing at a time instead gathering a whole bunch of poop and jumping in it. First I'll throw out the requisite "you're right where you're supposed to be", cause it's true. Your year is getting near and we get agitated easily around that time. I'm not saying that you're making something out of nothing, but rather you're exploding (or imploding) about it. If I were your sponsor I'd tell you to ignore everything that isn't life threatening until your anniversary. Quite a few go out before they get there, it's phenominal. So close and boom, it's over, start again. Don't do that. Please.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 15th of February 2013 08:34:00 PM
actually, I think I deserve a nice valentines for no reason at all... just because I'm me, and ordinary person born with the same rights to a nice day as you. Not because I didn't drink. I don't think I don't deserve anything because I did in my past either.
As you were gouging my heart out - I was writing this to Dean in a PM conversation:
I just had a long talk with him about that stuff exactly. And I told him basically those exact things... that TODAY I'm not over the adult child issues of my dad only showing affection through gifts... that I'm working on it and that for now, could you please just do some nice stuff??? And I made "no" an option, but he said yes.... and I get some attention, and I need it, so that's okay today. I can ask for what I need, I still have boundaries, and they are still based on some unhealthy unresolved childhood issues, but overall... I think it's okay to ask for a little love, and I needed to make a big deal about it, because it was a big deal to me for a long time, and I have stuffed it and drank over it, and used it for an excuse and all that crap, and I needed it OUT! And it's all out now, and I'm fINALLY okay with it all - everyone including Zach knows exactly where I'm at, and where I'm from, and where I hope to go...
I'm not going to drink.
I told him I'm not going to drink - and that it didn't even occur to me... no was an option, and that changed my attitude toward it too.
I thank you for the love and support and the listening to my tantrum... I feel a great so thank you!
It's funny actually - I just thought of this... as I was losing it on the phone today in my tantrum I was cleaning for the rich lady - her bar/game room and dusting off her fancy wine bottles and cleaning the glass doors the fully stocked beer fridge, and the 40 some bottles of liquor and rearranging them all pretty... never even considered taking a drink even though I was all alone... didn't occur to me. It's not an option today just cuz I'm a bigger baby than normal ; )
I'm as completely honest as I possibly can be on here about where I am so people like you can recognize and tell me when I'm headed for a drink. I try to not just say what I think people want to hear anymore. I'm hear to save my own ass. I tell my sponsor like it is, my home group and especially all of you because I love how writing it out helps my thoughts... I don't care if I look like a fool or a baby throwing a tantrum. I want people to truly know me so they can save me when I need saving. Selfish? Hell ya... I WANT TO LIVE and I DO NOT want to DRINK!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 15th of February 2013 10:34:54 PM
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 15th of February 2013 10:46:53 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Why thank you tomsteve - as a matter of fact currently I am doing better - but I had to go further down the spiral all morning and into the early part of the afternoon. I crawled into the meeting last night snarling. Shared all of this again. Still wasn't nearly done spewing and fuming... continued all morning. Spent 2 straight hours in the hamster wheel to the point of my brain nearly bleeding... finally took a break from work to call my sponsor. Spewed it AGAIN - Crying this time and going more into depth - she said I can't keep stuffing this, I have to talk to Zach honestly about him being unavailable to my needs - I instead of course cried and screamed about it to him until he hung up on me... and now I'm just a zombie who knows that deep down there is a fear that I am unlovable under all of this, and nothing he does will fill that up anyway. However, I can feel that I am not done hurting him over this, because it's such a scary place to go that I keep tricking myself into staying on a more superficial 'cover up' spot, and even though I know I'm doing it I can't stop because today I'm just not brave enough to look at the truth for long enough to do anything about it. No amount of praying or tools of the program, or spewing or crying and kicking or screaming, or meetings, or reading the big book for saying the serenity prayer will do a thing for this... I have tried all that. It doesn't help because it just perpetuates my avoidance, and my sponsor said I have to stop stuffing this and covering it up and just feel the pain and sit in it. But I can't.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
When I told him that his lack of vday recognition was kind of a slap in the face - he told me that he is not in control of my reactions or emotions to things.
So this of course is his recovery lingo - and all I can think is: So if I took a crap in a bag and gave it to you for vday that's just fine because I don't have to worry about your reactions or emotions about what I do?????
And that's what it boils down to. I don't have to like his gift of Nothing. And my reaction and emotions ARE my own. And now I have to take a good long hard look at what is acceptable behavior to me and not... am I suppose to just be okay with a bag of crap? Why is it not okay for me to want to be recognized on vday? Why is it not okay for me to expect him to give a shit. Him not putting 2 iota's of thought into it is not okay with me anymore! It was okay when I was drinking, because I believed I deserved the bad treatment since I was justadrunk anyway - BUT - I'm not just a drunk anymore! I'm a person who has a husband who thinks it's okay to be completely thoughtless when he knows it's important to me, and I DO think I deserve better than that today!!! WHY IS THAT BAD??? That I think I'm worth a moment of someone's time for once!???
Lay it on me people because I can't afford a marriage counselor!!!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I didn't get a box of chocolates for V-day ... ... ... Boo-Hoo ... ... ... I've been a good boy this year, I've stayed sober, I've worked my butt off when I wasn't sick and I've tried to be a good father/husband ... ... ...
I love chocolate ... in any fashion you can get it ... I deserve a night out once in a while ... I deserve to be recognized for being normal and not drinking like a fool ... and if I don't get something for me being good, then I think that there is a problem with others ... they just don't love me enough or the way I think they ought to ...
I have learned so much this year and have been praised so much for my spiritual progress that I deserve to be treated as a god in my own right ... I am now a 'Spiritual Giant' ... I demand recognition ... Bring me what I know I deserve ... or I pitch a 'hissy fit ' the likes of which you have never seen ...
Does anyone else here see this as being overly 'childish' ??? ...
Come on people ... 'today' was a real 'gift' to me ... a chance to be sober and caring of others, without any expectations in return ... If I get a 'kiss' or an 'I Love You' then Today, I have more than I deserve!
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I think you are probably just a normal sober adult alcoholic having a 'flashback' ... that's all ... and you are correct to get these ugly thoughts out into the open for to be dissected and disposed of ...
I do think a lot of others would have simply thrown a fit and drank over it, not you ... cause you're living the program, it has become a part of who you are ... thank God ...
I can sense there is a whole lot more behind the scenes here ... not for public consumption I suspect ...
Love you and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aww....Lil Sweetie! D e e p B r e a t h ......You are a teeny tiny lil baby drunk!!! I KNOW this is True! Why? I had 27 years, the day you walked in!!!! You have only got your foot in the door! They asked me how old I was, the day I started drinking, me, "12". They said THAT is where your development was arrested!!! OMG! I got sober at 24 years old...and my friend had me babysit her 12 and 14 year old kids.....I adored them, NOT as kids....but as PEERS!!! LOL! With a traumatized past, I do believe these reactions, are not about just today....and guess what....it does not matter!!!! Your soul has only BEGUN to recover! Give yourself a frickin break! New (and long time) sobriety...aint pretty.....I am/was just gritty scared me.......when we do harm...we pray to fix it....God and we..think you are wonderful...AS IS..because you are doing it sober!!! Last night at my detox meeting....I got to chair, so it was a GREAT meeting LOL...I found a way, to get EACH new lil baby drunk, to talk....(I say "I", I am pretty sure God created the magic!). There were 50 ish people...and after the poor CAPTIVE audience, endured our A.A.'s long winded preaching, they each had 2 minutes to share their "Gifts of Sobriety"....OMG Tasha...it was a 4th dimension experience! ( I getta share what I heard there, cause you can never know who these people are..) Oh the stories....MY HEART!!! (I am weeping now)....It was a gimpy crowd...lots of broken bones and casts and visible evidence of alcoholism....BUT...the stories....One young man,"The gifts of my sobriety are, so far, the hope, that I can have my daughter in my life,that I can love her and care for her as a sober/clean daddy.....the daughter who's mother I found dead of an overdose..with her, my dear 3 month old daughter, screaming in bed, next to her....." Another young man, "The gift of my sobriety, so far, is that one week ago, I had the end of a shotgun, in my mouth....and I am sober/clean...and have survived, to maybe.... find..... Life." (He looked about 26 years old). These fresh drunks, shame me, with my luxury problems.....what they wouldnt give, to have my sobriety, and MY problems!!! I promise!!!(The brink of death from alcoholism, gives me the gift of perspective!!!) Bill Wilson suffered horrible depressions..."I would go to a hospital in despair, and after speaking to an alcoholic there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet.....It is a design for living, that works in rough going...." I have an anguished, chronic,nightmarish family situation....the one I love the most...has "grave emotional and mental disorders...GRAVE" and cannot get sober, to get well ..."Dear God, help me show him the same compassion, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend...."........when a person offended, "This is a sick person...How can I be helpful to him...God save me from being angry, Thy will be done...." The kind of (extremely familiar) reaction you describe....sounds like one of MY bubbly seething cauldrons of FEAR, and we have stuff for relief from that................. and...AND...A N D...... the only Love, God and I can have anything to do with...is OUTGOING, NOT INCOMING!!! LOL Love, Lady Eli
