He's an alcoholic, and I thought I was the problem. Why wasn't I enough to replace Mom when she finally left after 15 yrs of trying to get him to see the light? Why did he still cry? Surely, if I just cleaned enough, cooked enough, was a good little church choir girl, or looked pretty enough... it would stop the crying.
Maybe if I got him the bestest gift ever for Fathers day, or sent him a lot of cards in the mail. Maybe if I chose to live with him instead of Mom at the court hearing, he wouldn't cry anymore. Surely I could fix everything, I was already 12 years old! If they thought I was old enough to chose which parent I should live with, I MUST be old enough to fix everyone's problems!
I wasn't done trying when I turned 17 and moved away... so the phone calls kept going out, and the gifts kept getting bigger. Then my own addiction took hold, and I deserved it. I had a lot to fix. A lot of people to take care of. More and more it seemed, as time went on.
The lipstick started to stay in the drawer. The gifts I couldn't afford. The cards were written by a sloppy drunken hand and then finally... not at all. The laundry wasn't folded, the toys weren't getting picked up. Soon, I couldn't hold it together anymore... all I really had left was a lot of fears, and a lot of alcohol. And when the alcohol turned against me and wasn't working anymore, I didn't even have that.
It was either try AA or die - and it was a toss up. I didn't want to live anymore, but my children did want me to. I had to try. I had to take the hands extended to me... and even when I slapped them away, they kept sticking out at me. I began to see my HP in those hands that never gave up on me. I was still just the 12 yr old girl inside and so scared and confused. I began to take small steps forward toward those who continued to love me when I was so so so sad. They never told me to sit down and shut up. They never told me to toughen up. They never told me stick cotton anywhere... they somehow knew I was only 12 yrs old inside... they just smiled, and listened, and loved, and hugged, and kept sticking their hand out at me, and they saved my life. And my children have a Mother again. And my husband has a wife. And my Dad? Well, he doesn't have to worry about me trying to fix him anymore... he gets to see the real me now finally... after 22 yrs of crying.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 7th of February 2013 06:25:31 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I can't imagine there is a better gift for your father than having a happy and sober daughter with a design for living. We never know when someone will be attracted to our example.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thank you so much for this share!!! I am very sad tonight. As many know, on Nov. 4, 2012, my ex. AH succombed to a heart attack. Although we had divorced I still loved him very deeply!!! I just had to learn to do it from afar. And it was through listening to many of the wise words that came from those very people who fight this disease on a daily basis....in other words AA members, that I learned I could not 'fix' him until I 'fixed' myself. Learn what I could control and not control. We had three beautiful children. All adults, all married, three grandchildren and two more due this fall. They all knew of exAH's multiple medical problems and they ALSO knew of his alcohol problem. At one time or another, so I was told, each of them had spoken to their dad about quitting. 'Don't worry about your ole man. I'll be okay.', was the usual response. Over the course of years as the drinking escalated, the health problems multiplied and money dwindled. In attempt to get finances straightened out, health issues were put off and in at least 3 major instances landed him in the hospital. I could go on and on ........ I won't. What is making me so sad?.......My beloved daughter is now on this path. I tread lightly when talking to her and at times have to walk away so as not to push her away. I HAVE been down this path! I can't take away her heartache of loosing her father any more than I know I can't make her stop drinking. I KNOW she loved her dad. So did her brothers!!! They all initially took the news of his death really hard. Understandably. The boys seem to have coped/are coping and as far as is known. They drink, but it is usually, a few at social things. I thought maybe ..... she would slow down and come to grips. It is just the opposite! I was told her husband and cousin (girl....that is like a sister) were both concerned enough to talk to her. So I am not the only one who is witnessing this. Your writing is a reminder....keep on loving her with open arms! Praying to God that He will help her realize the road she is on leads not to happiness. Again thank you!!
-- Edited by learning on Friday 8th of February 2013 10:09:33 PM
Yep, I keep telling her that, but I'm starting to sound like a broken record ... And the neat thing is, she wouldn't even have to make it a 'recovery' book ... she could chose any subject and write a great book ...
I know I for one would enjoy sitting back reading it ... !!!
How 'bout it Tash ???
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The Family stories need to be shared. For on reason because of the genetic affect of the disease. Last night at my son's home for dinner with the children, grand children and now great grand children one of the most useful parts of the evening was going over the memories...the good ones and the ones about the disease now many generations old. Each speaker adding their perspective and their color to the pictures of the past with the awarenesses of who and where the sobriety now rests. Thank you God for the programs of Al-Anon which was the first door I was led to by my Higher Power and then to include the rooms of AA and also MIP. "Free at last, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD I'M FREE AT LAST"!! Yes I did as it was suggested...on my knees with all of the fear I have ever felt crowding around my heart and mushing around in my gut I did as suggested, "Please take this from me" and in the morning after the quietest most stillest sleep I had ever had...it; FEAR, was gone and I came to understand M.L.King's emotions and physical feelings as he uttered those same words. My family on so many levels are still held captured by that demon which we struggled with while trying to have a peaceful relationship with it and didn't understand that what it wanted was us on that high body heap of those who had succumbed. "FREE AT LAST"....!! My heart goes quiet when I shout those words....peace of mind, serenity, sanity, sobriety; all given FREE. Mahalo Akua...Mahalo MIP. ((((hugs))))
Ahhhh.....sigh.....Mahalo!!!! Thank you all MIP! Thank You God for A.A.!!!! Thank You God for Alanon! Thank you God for A.A./Life! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!... ooops...just one more: THANKYOU! O.K.....rilly...this is the last one" T H A N K Y O U!!!!!! (thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you)...sorry guys...I think I am stopped...ooops wait....here comes another one...THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! Love All!
