I have been sober for 5 months today. I go to 3-4 meetings a week and feel great. Lately I feel as if my wife, who is active in al-anon, has been treating me as if I am still drinking, ponting out what I am doing wrong. I am trying to do the right things at work and at home. Being the responsible father and parent that I wasn't before. I like the way I am now, I am sober for 5 months after 30 yrs. in the bottle, I am responsible and can hold my head up high, and no one will take that away from me, or push me back to the bottle, I'm done with that. Even though she is going to al-anon she does not fully understand the physical and psycological changes that I am going through. I lookeed at her tonight and told her she treats me like I am still drinking, and if she was going to treat me this way I might as well be drinking. I swear to each and everyone on this forum that I am doing everything that I can to make things right with my household. I am actively working the steps and spending time with my sponser. I try to continue to stay focused on my soberiety, and being a better man, and I also know that I should not expect things to happen overnite, but damn!!! I hope that I have not been rambling just abit confused right now.
After 30 years if drinking...It takes TIME....Things I Must Earn....To regain trust from our loved ones...Congrats to you on Five months...I know for myself at 5 months I needed more than 3 meetings a week....You say you are working the steps...What step are you working on? Your sobriety...Your trust in your HP...And going to any lengths to work this program have to be priority number one right now....You get those things...And you don't pick up the first drink....Things will fall into place. I drank for 35 years myself....I was confused at times early on....I still am sometimes and I only have 19 months....I just try and keep moving forward....Try and make a little progress every day.
The same thing happened to me, and it was me, not her, I was be so critical of everything I did. everything I did, said, and heard was going through my head for days, it was being twisted in every direction, whether right or wrong, I just had to learn to sit back have confidence in my self, and my program and things would fall where they would, most of the time in the right place to. Congrats on 5 months
When you say "I might as well be drinking".... Be careful what you wish for. You probably put her through nightmares with 30 years of drinking and, not only is it not going ot heal overnight, but you just made a childish threat to drink again if she doesn't treat you how you want.
5 months is a long time in many way, but on the other hand, it's a drop in the hat. It's not enough time to truly rebuild trust. It's not enough time to even know whether you are doing "everything" or not. You will have more revelations as you stay sober and work your program. Probably in a year, if you and her are still together, you will look back at how you were at this time (5 months) and think, "Dang. What did I know? I was so demanding and not humble."
Remember, she has her own journey in Alanon too. It's not all about you. Walk away from verbal abuse, but heed criticism when and if it's appropriate.
My experience was that I thought I deserved a lot of recognition and kudos for being sober 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 5 months....but in reality, I was expecting kudos for stuff that people outside of the program don't give a rat's ass about.
Breathe deep. Call your sponsor. Focus on your steps. Let your wife be on her journey. I'm guessing the "attitude" she's throwing you now is NOTHING compared to what she put up with from you for YEARS prior to 5 months ago. Keep it in perspective.
Also, there is a chance you guys might not be compatible in the end. Both of you are undergoing major transformation in your respective programs. Some arguing and butting heads will happen as you both find your way and get to know each other all over again. Either this is gonna work, or it's not. You are largely powerless over it. Hence, take it one day at a time just as you do your sobriety.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey joby, ... just think of all the changes you are, or have been, going through this past few months !!!!!
Just think, she's going through all these changes too, just on the other side of the 'see-through' mirror ... I know you're kinda proud of yourself, and you should be, BUT ... when we were drinking, we acted and responded to everything like a little brat child ... ... ... she may still be seeing that part of you from time to time ... give her, and yourself more time ... 'patience' here is the key to your happiness ...
5 months ??? ... that's great, but there is still a ways to go ... (I'm with Stepchild here ... I needed more than 3/4 meetings a week at this point too ...)
Just keep doin' what you're doin' ... I've seen so many 'give-up' just before the miracle came to them ... don't let that be you ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
When I look back on 5 months, although awesome to have been sober for about 150 days, I still had so much more to do....and that continues even today....I am constantly learning. Moreover, when I look at what I put my family through I am just SO grateful and Blessed that they did not give up on me. I know you feel as if you are doing everything you can....but as Stepchild and Pappy said.....at this point we all needed more than 3 to 4 meetings a week.....remember....at any length.....it sounds like you really have the right motives and the right heart, but I agree with everyone else....you must remember that 5 months is not that long for healing to be done and she too is working through some pretty significant stuff herself. I never posed the question, "When will you trust me again?" I just lived one day at a time, did what I had to do each and every one of those days and before I knew it I had earned all the trust back....these are the gifts....the things that come from doing the right thing one day at a time. Hang in there, concentrate on your sobriety for the day....be grateful to your HP that you are sober today and you are able to spend the day with your family and work towards the healing. The healing has begun....now give it some time.....
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Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in His Grace......hence, Imperfect progress.........progress not perfection....
I have been sober for 5 months today. I go to 3-4 meetings a week and feel great. Lately I feel as if my wife, who is active in al-anon, has been treating me as if I am still drinking, ponting out what I am doing wrong. I am trying to do the right things at work and at home. Being the responsible father and parent that I wasn't before. I like the way I am now, I am sober for 5 months after 30 yrs. in the bottle, I am responsible and can hold my head up high, and no one will take that away from me, or push me back to the bottle, I'm done with that. Even though she is going to al-anon she does not fully understand the physical and psycological changes that I am going through. I lookeed at her tonight and told her she treats me like I am still drinking, and if she was going to treat me this way I might as well be drinking. I swear to each and everyone on this forum that I am doing everything that I can to make things right with my household. I am actively working the steps and spending time with my sponser. I try to continue to stay focused on my soberiety, and being a better man, and I also know that I should not expect things to happen overnite, but damn!!! I hope that I have not been rambling just abit confused right now.
Where are you at with your step work Joby? The fact that you feel if your wife doesn't appreciate your efforts, you might as well be drinking, indicates you still have an alcoholic mind. You still messing around with 3 or 4? I don't agree that more meetings is the answer. This isn't a self help program, it's more of a God help program, if we are beyond human aid that is, and the priority is to have a spiritual experience through working the steps. Nowhere in the Big book does it say we can recover by attending lots of meetings. Instead it advocates working the steps quickly and thoroughly and learning to apply them in every area of our lives. Nothing much seems to happen for real alcoholics, in my experience, before they are well on with step 9, and learning to live in 10, 11, 12. By then they are safe and protected, which means nothing external can make them drink.
For me it took about 90 days to reach this point, but for others it often happens more quickly. And there were some quite sudden almost breathtaking events along the way, character defects removed (only some), prayers answered, but above all the obsession to use was gone, and I remember the day that happened.
Since then I have been free to make mistakes and learn from them, rather than drink over them. Life is not always a bed of roses, but the booze problem has been removed.
Aloha Joby...I relate to your share as the exhusband of an alcoholic/addict. Our family got destroyed by the disease and we didn't get enough program to progress alot and perfection isn't an option and guarantees are not offered either. Page 449 of my 3rd edition Big Book has a disertation from Dr. Paul that reads in part, "...and I have found that acceptance is the answer to all of my problems." Both y you and your family will be learning this over time. I am sure that with or without the program your wife has practiced up to her current amount of acceptance whether it has worked wonders or not. The opposite of confusion is openmindedness and patience. Keep coming back and stay on the trail. ((((hugs))))
when i am truly practicing the principles in all my affairs, i dont fight anyone or anything, i have an ability to look in the morror and see why poeple may not trust me. 30 years of drinking would make a skeptic of anyone who stayed around me. as stepchild said, it took me T.I.M.E. and footwork witht he right motives. changing me for me and not being concerned what others opinions were helped greatly. to understand the family afterwards, i studied the chapter"the family afterwards" and "to wives."
-- Edited by tomsteve on Monday 4th of February 2013 10:51:40 AM
Dear One........There is a possiblity that your wife, has had to think of you, as her extra, sick child........In many ways, she had to find ways to carry YOU......As a drunk, have you ever lied? We TRAIN those about us, to not believe our words.........After 3 lies, our families havent a clue WHAT to believe......after 10 lies, they no longer KNOW who we are.........after 5000 lies.....it is to THEIR credit, that they believe us ever.....NOT OURS!!!! These people love us, because of who THEY are, and in SPITE of who we are (and , as the BB says," beyond all understand is the patience wives and parents have shown us.....without whom many of us would HAVE no homes.......or perhaps be dead " (not an exact quote, sorry) ............ Us drunks OWE! Getting sober, immersion in A.A., and doing ANYTHING to STAY sober....these are but the bare beginnings of payment...............I have heard, that getting sober, just due to the physiology of the thing.....causes our functioning level to regress for a time, rather than progress........... and the people about us, have been crushed and overburdened by us already, must pick up yet more of the slack.......as our fog, begins to clear............We are unawares of this regression (Heck! I had to learn how to do EVERYTHING!).....but I believe, our loved ones are painfully, frustratedly aware of it.........I am allowed to share this with you, because I am a drunkard....who caused the most damage to those who cared about me... the most....damage that I was blissfully unaware of.......that became clear er as I worked the program......the good great news, is that when the real guilt hits, we have a real way to try to repair it......I have been TRYING to repair mine, for 28 years ( and, am much cleaner with the world and my family,and can look the world in the eye ) Please keep coming back....a L O N G road of reconstruction, lies ahead of us.....one day at a time! Bless you and your wife!
