Welcome - Well, I'm in AA and I have an opinion: You're either clean and sober - or not. Therefore, you're either in recovery - or not.
Alanon can help you with your feelings of being at the end of your rope. Try some face to face meetings - the message board here is okay, but you'll want to give yourself the best possible care right now, and that will come from a live meeting. You deserve some healing and peace from all of this. It's not fair that the focus is always on him - first all about his drinking and using, then all about his recovery or lack there of. Where are you left in all of this??? It's time to put some time in for you now I think... get your sanity back... find the book "courage to change" that's my favorite alanon book which helps me take the focus off everyone else in my life, and back where it belongs... on myself. There are a lot of wonderful books out there which you can pick up at your meeting. Nothing at all bad can happen from taking an hour for yourself to hang out with a bunch of other people trying to live a better life... you deserve support too... make time for you.
Bravo for reaching out for help - that was a smart move - keep doing that!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 1st of February 2013 05:03:18 PM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Cam612, it might be time to mention that he could live elsewhere, then he could drink and smoke all he wants. Most of "US" don't really get it until we've run out of options. What you think of as "supporting him" may be contributing to his problem. An alcoholic/drug addict is a child walking around in an adults body. An impostor. The substances stunted our development and maturity and we get stuck right at around the time that we began using. If it were me I'd tell him "Get your **** together or start packing, you've got 90 days to get 90 days continuously clean and sober". It's highly recommended to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. If he doesn't think that he can, you might want to suggest impatient treatment. Life is short, git-er-done!
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 1st of February 2013 05:55:27 PM
"Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with me! I haven't drank or smoked anything! It's not my fault if I look stupider than a rock sometimes!" Maybe if you wouldn't nag me so much I wouldn't look so stupid!" LOL
Get real, there is not a clue in any thing you have shared here that would suggest HE want's to recover or has a true desire to stop using or drinking. That's your dream. Until it truly becomes his, you are just playing the role of the insane one in a alcoholic relationship, which has you, instead of him on a AA message board seeking help. Go to Al-Anon, ( their message board is at http://alanon.activeboard.com )they can't tell you how to control someone's drinking or drugging, but they can teach you how to handle it so you are not the one going nuts trying to figure everything out. And it will give you a safe place to find those who have been where you are and how they resolved things for themselves.
Just a suggestion.
John
PS. My cell phone number is on my signature... he is welcome to call me if he has a desire to do something about his drinking and drugging. If he doesn't want to, then calling even me won't do him any good. He has to do it when HE is ready to do it.
Hello. My husband is a new member of AA. He has had trouble obstaining from alcohol since he joined. He also continues to smoke pot several times a day, everyday. There are times when I will think he has been drinking but he denies it therefore I think it must be the pot. Usually when he has had something to drink I can smell it instantly. I want to ask him to stop the pot, he says AA doesn't have an opinion about it so it's ok. Can I get some advise? I'm at the end of my rope.
My opinion is if you're taking any mind or mood altering substance, you're not sober. If you're husband is still drinking while in AA, he needs to start working on Step 1. I agree with justadrunk, Alanon would really help you out with what you're going through right now. One thing I do know as an alcoholic, you really can't believe anything an active alcoholic says.
Thank you for the great responses. It is really sad that I don't believe anything he says. We went from complete trust to complete lies straight to my face. I realized just today how truly angry I am. I thought AA would help him but I question his commitment. I don't think he goes because HE wants to but because he thought it is what I thought he should do. I think its an act.
I also think your husband is an idiot ... ... ... that, or he's just plain clueless(stupid) (stupid is as stupid does) ... he needs a sponsor that isn't a 'stone-head' too ... any 'mind-altering' substances takes away our sobriety ... these substances make us 'air-heads' of the worst kind ... these substances give us 'beer muscles' or you might call them 'beer-Balls' ... and they will ensure that we continue to drink or use to the bitter end ... I don't know how to get it across to your husband, but this disease is a fatal progression ... it always ends in a most unpleasant death ...
Sorry, but the 'truth' can be uncomfortable ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
St Pete, I agree with you. I can't take anymore. I know he's been drinking today. He gets this stupid look on his face and I think he believes coffee hides the smell. Is there anything he could be drinking that wouldn't smell? I had heard vodka but I definitely can smell that seeping out of his pores.
Yeah, there a point you reach with drinking that it doesn't matter what you drink ... it starts seeping out of every crevasse you have and it smells ... vodka may take longer to detect, but if you're drinking enough of it, you'll .... I mean others will know ...
LMAO ... The 'goofy look' on his face was certain to be your first clue ... Sorry, but I had to laugh at this ... cause I know my wife has seen that same look on my face a thousand times ... and the thing is, is we act like nobody else can tell ... ROFL .. LMAO ....
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yep, he doesn't believe me when I tell him about the look on his face. There are two of him - the drunk and the sober. It's amazing how different the same person can look.
I can't really add a lot to what has been said. We all know that recreational pot smoking is not what people in AA consider being "sobriety".
For the record, he is technically correct that "AA has no official opinion on pot smoking", as it is a "outside issue" (does not mean it is OK). This would be a topic of conversation between him and his sponsor.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
AA doesnt have an opinion about it. thats funny. great way to rationalize smokin dope. advise? print off this thread and show him how some of the sober members of AA look at smokin dope and not drinking. it aint sober. i know only what ive read here, but it sounds like he aint ready to get sober. i hope im wrong, but smokin dope and not drinkin was something i tried before. it didnt work. always ended up back at the booze and always got worse.
Oh dear One......Wowie! "A.A. does not have an opinion on it....." Is a new line to me..............We do NOT smoke weed! We do not use ANY mind altering substances EVER, or we canNOT claim "sobriety"..... "SOBER" MEANS CLEAN AND SOBER....PERIOD!! And that means: not a drop of alcohol....not a hit of drugs......Dear Cam...Q. How do you know an alcoholic is lying? A. Their lips are moving! ;) Ditto the whole room.....and Alanon has helped many many families and friends of drunks/addicts!
My dear, stop second guessing yourself. You know when he is drunk or high. Get to Al-anon and cease to allow this clever manipulater to make you question your own sanity. He clearly does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. If you read the personal stories in the back of the Big Book, you will see that many alcoholics used multiple substances and quit them all when they stopped drinking. We traded in self will and substance feuled decision making for conscious contact with a Higher Power that could run our lives alot better.
Sweetie, trying to figure him out and fix his issues is a part of your disease. Get to Al-Anon, read their literature as their experience and subsequent recovery knowledgewas just as hard won as ours. Take care of you. You don't deserve to ride this merry-go-round of bs anymore. You know what is real. Quit allowing him to play and manipulate you.
__________________
"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
Thank you for all of the advice. I spent quite some time on the Al-Anon website last night. I have to say hearing all of your responses/perspective has really opened my eyes as you have all been in his shoes. I told him today to get sober or get out.....he said he would move out. He's not ready and I'm not going to sit and watch him destroy himself. Thanks again for all of the replies.
I did the same thing....My ex gave me a choice and I wasn't done yet....I hadn't been beaten to that state of reasonableness yet...As the big book talks about. Alcohol was the great persuader though....I got there before it killed me....We get worse....Never better. I wish you both well.
Well, ... I've got nearly the same story ... I put my wife through Hell years before I tried to get sober ... then I continued to go back to drinkin' for another 13 years ...
We both had been through more than anyone could be expected to survive mentally, with the kids 'n all ... then add my 'drinking to escape' our situation, finally she told me, the last time I crawled up the steps from the basement to ask her to take me to rehab again, she told me she would help me this one last time ... We'd been through this same scenario many times the last 13 years ... THIS time, I could see in her eyes and hear in her voice, she was DEAD serious ... She said this is it ...
She said she still loved me too much to continue to stand back and watch me kill myself ... she said she had the papers drawn up while I was in rehab this time, for the divorce ... ... Thank God it all came together for the miracle to happen to me this time, doubt that I have another relapse left that I could recover from ... that was 5 years ago ...
This coming July, my wife and I will celebrate our marriage of 40 years ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Best wishes to you... try and figure out how you ended up picking an alcoholic to marry... the answer to that may just hold the key to a miracle for you too : )
Whatever you do - stay away from alcoholics until you know the answer to that question!!!!
Read some stuff on the co-dependent page here on MIP too - very AWESOME in my opinion! Good books out there by Melody Beattie : )
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thank you for all of the advice. I spent quite some time on the Al-Anon website last night. I have to say hearing all of your responses/perspective has really opened my eyes as you have all been in his shoes. I told him today to get sober or get out.....he said he would move out. He's not ready and I'm not going to sit and watch him destroy himself. Thanks again for all of the replies.
No. He's not ready. The insanity that lets you choose that over the things that really matter will always baffle me. All you can do is remind him that AA is there for him and the doors will always be open.
Most of "US" don't really get it until we've run out of options. What you think of as "supporting him" may be contributing to his problem. An alcoholic/drug addict is a child walking around in an adults body. An impostor. The substances stunted our development and maturity and we get stuck right at around the time that we began using. If it were me I'd tell him "Get your **** together or start packing, you've got 90 days to get 90 days continuously clean and sober". It's highly recommended to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. If he doesn't think that he can, you might want to suggest impatient treatment. Life is short, git-er-done! 
