Well, I haven't been hiding the fact that I'm struggling a bit with the program lately. I felt very let down after my 5th step, feeling lost, dumb, and like I'm just not getting it. My sponser likes to say that she has a tendency towards 'getting drunk on self pity'. I like that phrase, and I felt myself doing the same over the course of the past week or so. I thought myself a failure because I didn't feel an instant joy, serenity, and a sense of 'being cured'. How naive of me! Last night I was praying/meditating and my thoughts went to perhaps my most tangled, deep resentment that has really haunted me throughout my life- my Father. I'm thinking about him, praying for him (kinda talking to my HP on his behalf). My Father passed on a little over a year ago, he had no funeral, no grave, no service- his children were not informed of his passing until a month later. That's how he died-completely broken and utterly alone, much like he lived his life. That's how he wanted it- he simply wanted to leave no signs that he was ever here. It's heartbreaking that a man lived and died this way. Since becoming sober I often pray for him... Ask God to 'take care of' him in the afterlife. Like, show him the way.. I hope he's happy and loved by God regardless of the things he had done on this planet. Last night, I felt this peace about it...a sense of calm came over me and I felt cleansed. Maybe this is the 5th step 'result'? I dunno. I feel like all that B.S. in the past is finally over. I'm not that tormented soul any longer. I think I was scared to let this go, it was a huge part of my identity all that anger, sadness and victimization. It simply isn't anymore. Funny how it just kinda struck me.
-- Edited by Col on Monday 28th of January 2013 10:31:35 PM
As alcoholics, subtlety was not our thing. We are all or nothing people. (i am either stone cold sober or i am roaring drunk, we are never "buzzed") outsiders will see how far we've come because on the inside all we see is how much work is left to be done. I like to believe that its higher powers way of balancing us, keeping humble.
I remember some of your earlier posts, and i remember incorperating some of your knowledge into my life. We didnt become alcoholics in a day, heck, god didnt even finish the world in one day. Take it easy, one day at a time.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
As alcoholics, subtlety was not our thing. We are all or nothing people. (i am either stone cold sober or i am roaring drunk, we are never "buzzed") outsiders will see how far we've come because on the inside all we see is how much work is left to be done. I like to believe that its higher powers way of balancing us, keeping humble.
I remember some of your earlier posts, and i remember incorperating some of your knowledge into my life. We didnt become alcoholics in a day, heck, god didnt even finish the world in one day. Take it easy, one day at a time.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Aloha Col...very good processing. He was no more alone than you were as HP has no more or less pejudices than alcohol and much more compassion, empathy and unconditional love. I heard that in your post...you came to softness...serenity about that part that man of your life and you continue on in surrendering any negative attachment you had to him. For me the anger and rage and confusion and such almost gave me purpose until I got into my reocvery and was able to turn all of it over. I came to admit that I didn't know or underestand everything and so many of my perceptions were suspect. Who knows who was touched by your Dad or the people in my life that I held ridgid resentments and anger and hatred for? I didn't know and often didn't know that I didn't know. I love to hear expressions of humility because they mentor me. Mahalo for your ESH. (((HUGS)))
Sometimes we just wake up one day and the resentment or Character defect is no longer part of us, but we need to stay busy in the process and doing the right things.
Some stuff I held onto for years and they slowly drifted away....some stuff I still have :) but I've also learned not to take my self so damn serious. "Just a drunk" trying to get a better a day at a time. The good thing about having less than a year or two is you can still get away with doing dumb stuff every now and then.....seems like I have too may people watching me these days
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Oh Col! Sigh....This sounds like a spiritual experience!!! Yes...hmmm....what IS that odd, bizarre feeling????? P E A C E! I am so happy for you! Bless you and keep coming back!
I can't say I had any burning bush experience from doing the 5th step, in fact I have done several over the years. What I know I did get is freedom from being stuck with me. See, I had to ask my sponsor one day "why when he is alone we call it alone, but when I am we call it isolated and he replied... "when I am alone I get to be by myself, but when you are alone you have to be with yourself!" And he was right. With all the sewage that would be rolling around in my head, the anger, fear, shame, guilt, sense of inferiority, is not a good place to live. I wasn't good company to myself, no less any one else, because I was so stuck thinking about me, my world, my problems, my issues... my, my, my..... There wasn't enough room between the I, Self and Me (ISM) to really make room for any one else. After doing a fifth step and dumping that "stuff" out there, no longer trying to disguise it, with half hearted smiles and friendliness, and trying to keep from contaminating others with that sewage... I was free. I wasn't locked inside me any longer.
Also, I might add that I was told repeatedly.."I don't know what you will or won't get from doing the fifth... but I do know if you don't work it, you'll end up drinking it".
That was enough to motivate me to do it, and let God sort out the mess that came out.
Thank you Col, I needed this today. I have had a very similar experience with my Father & his death and have had many of the same thoughts. I am still working on receiving the peace and after reading your post several times it clicked. I need to pray for him daily as well, so thank you. I agree with the others, great Spiritual experience for you! Bless you Col!
