Prayers sent your way Sober Mc! Sounds like your head isn't doing you any justice at the moment. Very common. I've been there. That's why it's a WE Program. Alone, the diesase is too much for us. Consider your head/thoughts like a bad neighborhood. Don't go in there alone. Write on here or talk to others in The Program- a lot until the noise settles down. That's all it is at the moment. Noise! Negative thoughts from a disease that wants you sick. A diesase that says I can do this- my way! An AA speaker I listen to calls this a false sense of personal adequacy. He also goes on to state; a false sense of immunity. Meaning, I don't need to work the entire Program???? Keep in mind, half measures availed us nothing. That's my experience also. It availed me more of the same.
When I try to figure everything out, it's me attempted to control everything around me, including my thoughts. It's all self-will and self-reliance. It's means I haven't fully surrendered to my HP and it's still my show. Let go and Let a God of your understanding take over. Love ya brother!
-- Edited by Mike B. on Monday 28th of January 2013 02:19:20 PM
I don't know if I've ever asked anything like this before. Maybe I have in the depths of the despair of one of my hangovers but I can't remember. I'm having such a struggle right now. I feel very lost and confused. I'm willing to try anything. I have everything to live for but when I'm in the grip of my alcoholism I'm not really living, I'm just in a strange sort of limbo. My brain hurts from trying to figure out why I can't just surrender and accept this program. My alcoholism is too strong for me to fight on my own. If you could just give me a moment or two in your thoughts next time you talk to your higher power I would greatly appreciate it.
I will definitely pray for you! I am 10 days Sober today and I had no idea others felt the pain that I felt 10 days ago. I have tried to stop before on my own but realized that I am truly powerless over the addiction. God has brought me to my knees and that is the place that change happens. I have a long road ahead, I am digging into AA now, but know exactly how you feel, I was just there. If I can be 10 days Sober, anyone can. I am praying for you Sober McHappy to surrender and like Mikef said "with God all things are possible"
Consider it done and I will ask you to do the same, for you. McHappy, for me there was definitely the two distinct personalities residing in my head. The one that I call "the kid" was the arrogant egocentric rebellious one that was the ambassador to my alcoholism. He was the one that really emerged when I began drinking. The life of the party. He made all the bad deals, the spontaneous plans that got us in big trouble. He was also very entrenched in my personality and false sense of self esteem. The big book refers to Mr. Hyde, John Barlycorn, and later our ego. Once I was able to see this personality in myself it's easy to see in others, primarily I think of my old drinking buddies, many dead, some in jail, others really beat up, and thankfully some made it into these rooms. It's easy to look back and see the similarities in our alter ego, bad boy immature selves.
Then there is our authentic self, and our inner adult that knows what's right and wants to be good. We have to make a great effort to identify with this guy/girl. In my case, Mr. Hyde thought of him as a wimp, the guy that couldn't get the girl, couldn't win the fight. But in the big picture, the game of life, this is the person that will win, get it done, achieve all, and it's the person that will work for our recovery. Look inside, change your mind, change alliances. It's a one day at a time game. Have a plan, stick to the plan. I literally had to make a weekly calendar that accounted for every hour of the day, all planed out. Eat, Sleep, Work, Meetings, exercise, House cleaning, Pay Bills, Socialize.... It was all in there and when I stuck to it I was sober, safe, and happy. Get busy my friend, you have to act (take action) your way to feeling better.
Wow Dean, this hit the nail on the head for me: "He was also very entrenched in my personality and false sense of self esteem." (except she, obviously). Such an interesting way of looking at it!
Sober Mc...prayers coming your way from the Mississippi gulf coast. Just wanted to give you confirmation that your request was received, processed and already in progress. I know how the confirmation of my requests have given me comfort. Hang in there and do your part!
Just this morning I woke up and wondered if I'm only here because of all those people who were praying for me while I was spitting in their face. Wow - humbling. I am forever indebted to the great people in this world - and I think it's awesome that you asked for this MC - it must have saved me : ) It can save you too!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Sincere prayers sent. Thank you McHappy for asking. I know that was a big step and I really appreciate the balls it took to do so. Like Dean and Jerry F said, now is the time for you to quietly do the same, and ask for help from "Above" and then throw your struggles with: "Depths of the despair, hangovers, struggle, lost and confused, I have everything to live for but when I'm in the grip of my alcoholism I'm not really living, I'm just in a strange sort of limbo, brain hurts, my alcoholism is too strong for me to fight on my own"
right into the lap of your HP and ask Him, Her, Place or Thing to take these burdens for today. Thats right, something like:
"Dear Spirit That is Greater Than Myself,
I have been trying to reach you, but you are so hard to define, that it was easier never to try. My life is so filled with
Depths of the despair, hangovers, struggle, lost and confused, I have everything to live for but when I'm in the grip of my alcoholism I'm not really living, I'm just in a strange sort of limbo, brain hurts, my alcoholism is too strong for me to fight on my own that I surrender. Now I would like to seek you. Please just take the burden of my problems with
Depths of the despair, hangovers, struggle, lost and confused, I have everything to live for but when I'm in the grip of my alcoholism I'm not really living, I'm just in a strange sort of limbo, brain hurts, my alcoholism is too strong for me to fight on my own and lift them from me for today while I focus on remaining sober. I am at the point where it is too much for me, and I surrender to it."
S McHappy, please do not recoil from my attempt to show you how easy it is. I am sincerly sharing with you how I made it easy on myself many years ago. I could not understand it either, but I still "reached out" to the unknown, and I did find peace simply by asking and humbling myself enough to ask to be shown a way out.
Ok, I just prayed twice for you and my wife did as well,
Good Luck Amigo,
Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Tuesday 29th of January 2013 08:28:58 AM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I will do for you what I would want you to do for me...just a name change. Mine will go like this, "Father place Sober McHappy where you want him and tell him what to do." What ever version you use coming back will be appreciated. After you throw down the flag you throw down the weapon and then you drop to your knee and ask..."help me.......please".
Father place Sober McHappy where you want him and tell him what to do.
St.Dean I love your descriptions! Yes...my evil twins name is Heather Leather hahaha! Oh SoberMc! We all love you! We All are just like you! I am praying for you! I've seen chronic relapsers go through absolute hell......I think each time back, it is harder to STAY back...... Honey, there IS no "bottom" till this vile thing kills us....(and my theory, is that each soul must survive one trip through....as a drunk/addict.....if it kills us....GASP...we gotta come back, till we survive it!!!!! Yes! Terrifying! and Possible too! YIPES! I never wanna hafta go through THIS again! lol) I know Doc Bobs obsession with booze, didnt budge for 2 and one half YEARS! I think one neccessity for me to have stuck....was that moment, from the beginning......and every day since......I was and am...WILLING to do ABSOLUTLEY ANYTHING, for protection from that hideous first drink/drug (Yes! I even read all processed food labels.....ie. the Marie Calander pot pies have Burgundy wine, I swear to God, these bastards are trying to poison me lol) "Any lengths" means even....am I willing to: feel bad.....feel really bad...for as long as I must?...face any and all fears?....do whatever it is I dont wanna do????.......YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! I do NOT hafta like it, to do it! Thank God, its all ODAT, and that my Angel gives me the Power to do whatever A.A. requires.......Dear SoberMc.....(Irish eh? Why did God invent whiskey? To keep us Irish from takin' over the world! Why did God give us A.A.? To give the world back to its rightful owners!!! US! The Irish! lololol ;) ) ......Dear SoberMc....I prayed and pray for sobriety NO MATTER WHAT, and that is EXACTLY what I have received! Please keep coming back...it DOES WORK (with all that "Any Lengths" stuff!) Beannachtai!!!! (Blessings in Irish!) Beannachtai A Stor Mo Chroi!!!!! Love, Lady Eli
I couldn't surrender and keep my weapons in my hands. I had to put them down. The excuses, the justifications, the explainations, ... because when I used them, the bullet of alcoholism always bounced around the room and then hit ME!
I got tired of shooting myself in the foot! LOL
I surrendered and put the weapons I used down.
Sober McHappy, you sound like you are still a few fries short of a Happy Meal... surrender, throw yourself into this program and allow us to just simply love on ya til you learn how to love on yourself.
We say a prayer at the end of every meeting, and before it starts, we declare a moment of silence for the sick and suffering, in and out of the rooms.
You will be in my moment of silence and in my prayers.
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I don't know if I've ever asked anything like this before. Maybe I have in the depths of the despair of one of my hangovers but I can't remember. I'm having such a struggle right now. I feel very lost and confused. I'm willing to try anything. I have everything to live for but when I'm in the grip of my alcoholism I'm not really living, I'm just in a strange sort of limbo. My brain hurts from trying to figure out why I can't just surrender and accept this program. My alcoholism is too strong for me to fight on my own. If you could just give me a moment or two in your thoughts next time you talk to your higher power I would greatly appreciate it.
Maybe it's time to stop fighting, Lack of power is every alcoholic's dilemna. Wishing you all the best.
Let go and Let a God of your understanding take over. 
Love ya brother! 
