I hate myself. I have this overwhelming sadness mixed with anger about who I am, what I look like, how I talk, that I'm not enough, that i can't keep up. I can't stand being in this body anymore. And, I know that when I bring these feelings to my sponsor or another AA friend, they think that meditating or going to a meeting or reading the book will help but it's like a demon steals my voice and revolts against everything. It's hard to imagine that they prayed and "stepped" their way out of this place I am in. On some days I feel right-sized and harmonious, at peace with where I'm at. Most days though, it is not this way. Meditating, praying, contrary action has limited effect on my core beliefs about myself and life. I can physically feel the emptiness. I have four months sober. This isn't working. Does that make me constitutionally incapable? Not done drinking? Or, just Fuked? I am not drinking but I'm not ok and to be honest, I think about checking out a lot lately. There is a reason I drank myself to death, literally. This is why. I don't know how to not want to drink, stick a needle in my arm, or just not be. How do I give a damn? How do I believe that life is worth living?
Hey Adam Sorry to hear that you're suffering with some depression.
I was a tough case like you. I suffered with depression and self loathing for about the first 6 months, it was ****ing hard. I don't remember having any "good days" in the first 30 days, maybe 5 good days in the second 30 days, and about every other day sucked in the 3rd 30 days. After that it was like 3 days a week I felt like s*** for 6 months, but it graduly got less and less, till about a 1 year. Then I'd have a bout 2 down days per month (usually 2 in a row), for the next 2 years. At about 3 years sober, these "down days" would be like months apart. One thing that really helped during those "down days" was to just do what I had to do those days, eat, get to a meeting, and go to sleep early so the day would end. I wouldn't pay attention to what was going on in my head just blanked it out with music. Don't give up, don't give in. You can't expect to drink and drug for for years and for everything to right as rain in 120 days. It doesn't work like that. figure you gotta put in a month or so (clean and sober) for every year that you abused body and mind. Don't forget to take good vitamins and exercise
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 27th of January 2013 11:10:17 AM
(((((Dodsworth)))))...God you woke up my memory kinda like watching the movie of my life in 3D with that freight train bearing down on me...how he hell did I ever get out of it's way? You woke up an old taste in my memory...no not the taste of my usual kind of booze but the taste of a chemical that oxidizes the metal on one of my weapons called gun metal blue. There but for the grace of God without question.
Did you know that alcohol is a chemical depressant? Have you been told before that depression is anger turned inward and that it is temporary as you learn what we have learned...how to do the opposite of anger which is acceptance. Page 449 of the 3rd Edition of the Big Book by Dr. Paul was a jolt of electricity for me. The first time I ever heard it and then read it I came to understand what the fellowship was all about and what the consequences were for me if hung with and in the fellowship and listened listened listened with an open mind.
You think that you have no value and that 4 months dry is the same as 4 months sober....think this question over, "could you be wrong"? If you can answer yes to that question...stay in the program one day after another and follow the suggestions that are given to you. Keep pressing others for help especially your sponsor and follow their suggestions. You might have some right and ready excuses for that like I did and then for me I undeerstood that I was already insane and mostly by my own design and behavior...I needed to follow and not try to lead cause working "My" program mean't I would not get any better and working "the" progrm meant I would arrive at a different place...which became okay for me.
I can see how you can't meditate if you were anything like me. My brain was so overcome with weird noises, voices and pictures I had to learn how to just be silent first...just silence...living in quiet and then learning to have hope in practicing something new. How are you with the 2nd step and the 3rd or do you believe like Iuse to, that my life was hopeless. At this point I was wandereing around in empty parking lots at 3AM looking for some kind of space craft to land and take me the hell off of the face of the earth.
I learned the difference between a failed suicide and a successful one. The failed one is when a person looses their life while the successful one is where a person changes how they are living their life. The consequences bear no explanation.
One way I learned how to understand "spirit" or "spiritual" was thru the definitions of "motivation" or "intent/intentions" and then it expands and I learn that there really is another level to my life beyond the material and physical and then I had to work the program...starting at, of course, Step 1, expecially the 2nd part and when I got a grip on that I eventually arrived at abandonment of my self (yes the totally wrecked self) to a power greater than my self (yes the totally wrecked one which could still find more room and some bs reason to drink until I died that made no sense at all).
Where is your value?...It's down the road a bit to that day when you meet another man with short time driness and a huge desire to drink and/or use, full of self pity and remorse, depressed as all get out and thumping himself on the head with a bat saying "I hurt so bad and this doesn't work". He's talking about himself and describing you as you are a while back and you might say to him, "I know exactly how you feel. Just shut up for a while and let me tell you where I came from and how I stayed alive just so I can listen to where you are at now and where we can get to together".
That basically is how it happened for me.
Prayer as I was taught by the elders of recovery in both of my programs is simply conversation with my Higher Power...listen, speak, follow. When I wake up every morning now I am ready and because I am ready and willing all I have to say to my Higher Power is, "Place me where you want me and tell me what to do".
Meditation I was taught is simple...I can do it 24/7 and I don't need a certain period of time...blocked out and blacked out with any special devises or noises or the like. I am doing it now in fact. Nothing can disturb my meditation which is the continuous focus on a spiritual truth and for me that is "God is". It doesn't matter who you are or what or how you are and what you think about yourself..."God is" You are powerless over "God is" The most you can do, I have learned with this meditation is, say in conversation "Please help me" and then to place myself in a position to receive God's help which for me means not doing anything to screw it up which is what I was very good at doing. You got 4 months...go look up the definition of gratitude and next meeting you get to chair it on the concept of gratitude and listen because for me...nothing so much screwed up a good practice of depression like gratitude. Chair the meeting and let the fellowship fill your cup and when it's done...of course say, "thank you very much".
Of course keep coming back here and sharing your recovery.
I hate myself. I have this overwhelming sadness mixed with anger about who I am, what I look like, how I talk, that I'm not enough, that i can't keep up. I can't stand being in this body anymore. And, I know that when I bring these feelings to my sponsor or another AA friend, they think that meditating or going to a meeting or reading the book will help but it's like a demon steals my voice and revolts against everything. It's hard to imagine that they prayed and "stepped" their way out of this place I am in. On some days I feel right-sized and harmonious, at peace with where I'm at. Most days though, it is not this way. Meditating, praying, contrary action has limited effect on my core beliefs about myself and life. I can physically feel the emptiness. I have four months sober. This isn't working. Does that make me constitutionally incapable? Not done drinking? Or, just Fuked? I am not drinking but I'm not ok and to be honest, I think about checking out a lot lately. There is a reason I drank myself to death, literally. This is why. I don't know how to not want to drink, stick a needle in my arm, or just not be. How do I give a damn? How do I believe that life is worth living?
This sounds like someone who hasn't totally given themselves over to this new way of life ... like someone who is desparately holding on to an old way of life that just never 'pans' out ... this sounds like someone who wants to change but cannot get past Step 2 in order to allow the healing to proceed and to take shape ...
Four months is a long time to just simply not drink and expect the miracle to happen ... it takes action in order to make things happen, to make things change ... you just can't sit around waiting for your 'boat' to come in ... it doesn't work that way ... it will never work that way ...
You say it feels like a 'demon' comes in and steals your voice ... that will continue to happen as long as you give your demon more power than you do your 'higher power' ... the choice is yours, we cannot make it for you ... (a power greater than you is already working to some small degree in your life for you to have not had a drink in four months ... we can see that ... why not strengthen this relationship through prayer? ... why not become the change you wish to see? ...)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Awesome post Jerry....I loved it. Dodsworth...That demon that revolted for me was my alcoholism....My Higher Power when I arrived at AA. I had to replace that one....I did that working those steps. You have a sponsor....That's great. Can I ask what step you are working on with your sponsor?
Everyone else has said some great things, so I will just say I'm sorry you're having a rough time, Dodsworth. I talked a bit about feeling like that in a meeting yesterday, and there were some great responses:
- Don't be a slave to your mood. Your thoughts and brain are what got you in this place, so don't trust them. - Act your way to good thinking (I like this one) - Addicted life didn't work so well, so why not wait out sober life and give it a shot?
I'm agreeing with the feedback you are getting from others Adam. For the first 2 or 3 years (and still at 4 and a half) I get periodic, but less frequent feelings like "I just don't want to feel" and "I don't feel right." I didn't necessarily want to drink, but I wanted to escape from feelings badly.
It's like a gutwrenching process of just putting the days together until they get better and you develop more coping skills. Your life will change as you get substantial time in sobriety. I have serious depression issues and went through a fairly severe depressive episode in the first 6 months. Everyone was wondering why I wasn't gaining weight like most people do when they sober up. I lost like 40 pounds cuz I was depressed. It let up just like Dean described. I'm pretty stable now.
What are your choices here? You can drink or use and check out temporarily, but then you ensure misery and/or death. Or you can gut this out and cling to the program for all it's worth with the hope that things will get better. They will get better too, even if you don't believe it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Dodsworth! Have you been seen by a Medical doctor ruling out other medical issues? Clinical depression,manic depression etc??? WE do not give medical advice but do not disregard this help where it is available. My 27 year old son,is a recovering heroin addict,who also suffers from severe depression. OCD,manic depression and highly anti -social behaviors(dont we all)He is in recovery,day by day, by not using but also taking proper medication for his medical issues.He self medicated as a way to deal with his other demons..
Page 133, 2nd paragraph: "But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward."
I will Lift you up in prayer,many fine suggestions and input here, but there is One ultimate Healer ,Draw nearer to God and God will draw nearer to you...WE are here but for a fleeting moment,As long as you don't use each God given day is an opportunity for "LIFE" (learning how to live after we put the substance down)The progression of recovery can be a continuous uphill journey and without effort we start our downhill run again and WE remember the progression of the disease is ongoing even during abstinence(it will try and flair in many other areas of our lives) I wish you Peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hey Dodsworth! Have you been seen by a Medical doctor ruling out other medical issues? Clinical depression,manic depression etc??? WE do not give medical advice but do not disregard this help where it is available.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
I've been at this over 23 years and just around Christmas I was at a meeting and one of the 30 something oldtimers said "Half measures availed us nothing".
It was like God was saying "Quit beating around the bush, Bob". All I could say to God was "Well, I'm making smaller circles .."
Time to get tighter with the program. My first sponsor said that I had to commit to AA, not just be "involved".
He said "It's like a bacon & egg breakfast ... the chicken is involved and the pig is committed". I got his message.
Great post, Rick. There is so much stigma around mental health still. It's just like any other type of mental health. Sometimes things go haywire and need to be treated.
get medical help now AA is great been a member 22 years but we are not equiped to handle members who are suicidal I lost a cousin last year because he would not seek help Dodsworth we are praying for you
