Relapsed...sponsor trouble...guilt

Gleek22 · Veteran Member

Relapsed...sponsor trouble...guilt

AlcoHater · Senior Member

First of all, FORGIVE YOURSELF. The wonderful thing about this fellowship is we'll take you back! It's kind of like saying "You fell? We're here to help you pick yourself back up!" One hook in your post said that you were her first sponsee. Starting out as a sponsor is not an easy task, and sponsors are every bit as fragile and complicated as any other alcoholic. Your 2nd paragraph includes some fantastic advice from the other ladies. Get phone #s from them if you can! Don't give up on yourself, and know that we won't give up on you, either!-J.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hello britney!

Thanks for sharing.Unfortunately relapse is part of many of our stories. Alcoholics drink alcohol and it is a daily process of work and desire to stay stopped.I can suggest you pick yourself up and start again focusing on what are you going to do different this time.Relapse usually has preceding occurences so take a look at the exact nature of whats going on with you.I would also suggest you revisit the sponsorship pamphlet P-15 - Questions and Answers on Sponsorship @ www.aa.org, pray about your relationship and taking responsibility for your recovery. I would not make any judgements on your situation with your sponsor and Sponsorship has many unspoken guidelines..My personal relationships with my sponsees were worked out before we formed a relationship so we were on the same plane and understood what the relationship would be about.My relationship with my own sponsor is somewhat different but in each situation they are helping,loving and caring relationships.Again sponsorship has many different unspoken guidelines.Just For Today,you dont have to use alcohol.pick yourself up,dust yourself off and move forward again,guided by your Higher Power and instilling the Solution,the Steps applied in all areas of your lives.....Blessings of this day!! smile

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Who else but an alcoholic would drink when it was the last thing they knew they should be doing?

Don't beat up on yourself. It was a slip and not a fall. You're here and the third tradition still applies.

Prayers.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I would like to echo what AlcoHater said and let you know we love you, faults and all ... It wasn't easy for me either ... I had multiple failures over the years before the program finally took hold ... The best I can advise is to turn yourself over to the spiritual context of the program as a whole ... stop trying to fix things 'your way' ... I found out that that, just doesn't work ... I found out that to keep doing things the way I always had in the past, I would then keep getting the same results I always got ... we must learn a new way to think and do things, else it's like we're just sitting on the train tracks ... sooner or later, we're going to get run over ...

If the action you're taking isn't working, take different action ... maybe since you're your sponsor's first, you should have a 2nd ??? ... I don't know ... I have my sponsees carry a call list, with several numbers on it ... if they're in trouble and about to drink, I want them to get a hold of someone at all costs ... because I'm only one person and could possibly miss the call sometimes ... I always call back, but that doesn't help if you need someone right now ... I hope you carry a list of numbers with you ... use them ...

ChristineG · Senior Member

Hugs and prayers

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Britney,

Thanks for sharing with us. Hang in there and get back to meetings. It sounds like your sponsor might be still a little caught up in herself at this point, but she may need you as much as you need her, so just things unfold and the right answers will come.

Like you are doing, you want to build a stong network of women around you and a number of people you can call.

Next time, call your sponsor or come here to MIP before you pick up a drink or drug!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I could see it being reasonable sort of for the sponsor to feel a bit let down...we are human. HOWEVER, it's a whole nother story to be telling your sponsee that you need "space" after their relapse. It's not about her it's about you. Sounds like there are some wishy washy friend boundaries going on in the sponsor/sponsee relationship. At first, it's much better to focus on mutual work and being a team with your sponsor. Get those steps done, but be thorough. She doesn't need to be calling you. It's a sponsee's job to call their sponsor, not vice versa. You have to build and work YOUR program. She's just helping steer you. Misplaced worry is pretty common in early sobriety. I used to think I knew what "keeping it simple" meant, but I formed all kinds of resentments and had drama over my 1st sponsor that was so unecessary. Work the program, work the steps, open up, do service...No need to spend an iota of time worrying about your sponsor calling you, what she feels, if she is mad at you. Just get busy on saving your life! I don't think you necessarily need a new sponsor, but you don't need her to be your friend. If that happens, great, but build a better sobriety foundation first. Priorities. Sobriety above all else...above friends...above sponsor's "feelings"...

Back to work Britney...no time to feel sorry for yourself. You can do this. We believe in you!

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 25th of January 2013 08:48:13 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Lots of good posts here. A sponsor shouldn't measure their success by their sponcees continued sobriety. I had a sponsor give up on me for smoking pot once and he wasn't very nice about it. He too was inexperienced, could've been his first time. Before that, I picked a sponsor that was my age and one I thought would be "easy on me", instead of choosing an old timer that I had always been impressed by his profound and intuitive shares at a home group of mine. After floundering for right at 2 years, I tracked down that old timer and told him that I was ready to do it right. He just smiled and said "let's get started right away". It's probably no secret what I'm going to suggest next. Find yourself a wise old timer and tell her you're ready to do "whatever it takes". The rest will be confidence inspiring. That first great sponsor was never my friend. He was somewhat indifferent to my day to day drama, and told me how it was straight up and often things that I didn't think that I wanted to hear. I owe him big time. He died just before my 3rd anniversary, like a lot of old timers, of lung cancer from second hand smoke, from sitting in smoking meetings for 20 years. Oddly I met him in a rare non-smoking meeting in '87.

lady eli · Senior Member

Bless you! Keep Coming Back! I asked God to send me a Teacher/Sponsor! They said,"Stick with the "Winners" ".....meaning the people who were not drinking or drugging...NO MATTER WHAT! See if your Angel wont send you someone with more sober experience?

2granddaughters · Senior Member

Gleek22 wrote:
I guess I just feel like people are starting to give up on me again and I know they have a right to just hate loosing people that I started to trust.

I guess I just feel like people are starting to give up on me again and I know they have a right to

The question I have to ask myself today is "why" would I feel that way and "why" would they think that way.

Talk to the oldtimers, ask them ... I always jump to the wrong conclusions when I'm "not too grounded".

Oldtimers always have a way of shining the light of truth on things

just hate loosing people that I started to trust.

I have to remember that whan I can feel myself taking back my will. Small problems are easy to address... big ones, not so easy and I get overwhelmed.

All the best.

Bob R

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

God doesn't make junk.

(((Brit)))

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I never texted my sponsor...He preferred to hear my voice...And when in person...See my eyes. For me...I had to remember...I had to do the work...My sponsor is there to guide me and answer questions....It worked out well for me that way....I'm glad you are moving forward...One thing that helped me was praying for willingness everyday....Keep on keeping on!

-- Edited by Stepchild on Tuesday 5th of February 2013 06:58:34 AM

Gleek22 · Veteran Member

I was going to start a new post on an update but I felt like it would be best on here. I have taken your suggestions and other people's suggestions in my aa journey and have decided that I will move on. That's all I really could do right unless I want to sit in my own mess. I know I can't beat myself up and I also cannot beat my sponsor up. I am her 1st sponcee and the only way were both gonna learn is if we practice. It has been a hell of a 13 days but we got through it. At first she wouldn't talk to me for the first 6 days (maybe like 1 sentence answers a day through text) and I was getting nervous but then realized the world really doesn't revolve around me and other people suggested maybe get a new sponsor. I gave it a good thought and was like idk maybe it will work its self out. Its been going good but last night and today has been really rough I couldn't get in touch with my sponsor and I wanted to drink so I used my phone list and on that list was my old sponsor (she was temporary for 2 weeks in october and we didn't get along) well she met me for coffee and calmed me down...I got home called my sponsor and she didn't know how to handle the situation and doesn't talk to my old sponsor because they have things they have to work out... She called me out on "what was my motive" for calling my old sponsor. It wasn't to hurt my sponsors feelings at all or for anything involving her I needed to talk to someone and I couldn't get in touch with 7 people on my phone list and she was on it so I called her. I flat out told my sponsor I need direction and I need help. She got back to me about 4 hours later and gave me direction and alot of it. I am happy and that's what I wanted from the very start. Now we have to practice on talking to eachother on the phone or in person because she has been texting me and I am not into that because you can't have a good conversation. I can never tell her what I truely want through text, just doesn't work....emotions are hard to identify with texts as well. But 13 days and moving forward! Thank you for your support!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Gleek22, ... ... ...

You have just brought out 2 very important issues that face all of us in recovery today ... well, at least in my book anyways ... ... ...

1) Text-ing has no place in recovery in my book ... I strongly feel that that is an open 'gossip' line to the world and when we are working in recovery,
we should be keeping 'Anonymity' as a top priority ... (you are for sure aware of the 'celebrity' text-ing that goes public even when the texter thought
everything was deleted ... there is no such thing now as completely deleting a text ... it's there for all time now ... in cyberspace!!!

2) I don't think you should be 'using' more than one sponsor ... ... ... okay, having other friends to call at times is an excellent idea and works good ...
but to have two different sponsors is not, imo ... ... ... it is too easy to call one sponsor and hold their advice above that which may come from the other one ...
in essence, pitting one against the other ... in my experience, this never worked out very well for the sponsee making this a regular practice ...

TeganTantalize · Veteran Member

I dont know if thats how a sponser is supposed to react to that asing you to give her space and all that..If you have had problems with your sponser several times, i think you should proabbly find a new one i been debating rather or not i should keep my sponser or not..Im her first sponseee she always pshes back big book she always cancells on me..she always tells me to reach out to other girls i try to reach out to other girls there all in there own little world and groups..