I've hesitated to write this, because I feel as though it may be due to something lacking on my part. I do, however, wish to see if anyone else here had a similar experience with Step 5. I did it with my sponser a few days ago. I was expecting to experience a great spiritual shift, and a lightness of being. I don't. I feel a pathological self loathing and insecurity. I cried for the first time at a meeting yesterday after someone shared something that played into my own insecurities and left the meeting- I returned, but it was unusual for me. I dunno, I feel very disconnected from AA since doing the 5th step. I'm not sure if this is an indication that something is lacking in my program. I'm just not feeling right. My sponser did 'warn' me that she had a similar experience with the 5th that left her in a depressive funk for close to a week. I'm curious if anyone else here felt the same?
I don't have any experience with Step 5 yet, but I just wanted to share that a fellow AA-er was telling me the other day to be careful of falling into 'I should feel like this', 'I should do this' in AA. Sometimes we have to just let it unfold as it will and wait for what we are supposed to get out of it, which may be the same of different than others.
You're exactly where you're suppose to be Col. Like Ruby said - it's happening for you how it's suppose to happen for you... not how it's suppose to happen for someone else : )
I did the 6th and 7th right away and that was a good thing. Did you?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Col, it doesn't always have an instant affect. In fact perhaps less than half of AAs have a dramatic "spiritual awakening". The rest experiences are more gradual. One of the things that really helped me was forgiving myself. I did my 5th with a Priest that was an old timer AA. After finishing he gave me "Absolution" and told me that I was forgiven. He also said that I did half of what I did because I wanted to be loved and the other half because I thought that I wasn't loved. It made perfect sense. Let it go, it's in the past.
For me, the reason my 5th step didn't feel like much of a burst of relief or anything I'd heard about, was because even though I had done a thorough 4th and 5th, I didn't get all the 'secrets' out onto the table until the 8th and 9th. At that point - I was loved for everything and exactly who I was by another human being (thank God my sponsor didn't run out of the room screaming like I thought she would) and I then knew that I was just a human worth love no matter what my past entailed - even the worst thing I had kept secret my whole life.
From that point - I could see that God loved me too through all of it, and in spite of everything.
AND THEN, like Dean said - I could forgive myself, as I turned over my faults to my HP and promised to do the best I could to be the real me from there on out. That has been a gradual learning thing, which is taking practice, but with practice - there is progress toward spiritual enlightenment.
Keep on keeping on : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
HALF MEASURES AVAIL YOU NOTHING..there was no conversion no forgivness, no understanding of YOU the alcoholic..by YOURSELF...no forgiveness ..just self loathing...
you FAILED...go back and do it again...IN MY EDUCATED & EXPERIENCED OPINION
Start back at step three pray for more insightful, clearer eyes..and greater understanding..then try again till you get it right
Since I wasn't there to hear your 5th step - there is NO WAY I could know if there was NO forgiveness, understanding of you etc.
I'm guessing since you are still here today reaching out for love and support and acceptance and understanding - that progress has been made. You have continued to do the next right thing: talk about it - not keep it bottled up - not keep your feelings a secret - show your true self and your true feelings. Wow! That's great progress! And you didn't fail - because you are sober today. There is no failing until you take the 1st drink in my opinion.
We love love love you Col - keep at it - you did NOT fail. This is just another 24hrs to stay sober and do the next right thing, which you are doing. A+
(((Col))) you are amazing and inspiring and exactly where you're suppose to be : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tomas, Col spend a lot of time and energy on that 4th and she's been through a lot of stuff in the process, give her a break. Col hang in there and keep moving forward with what your sponsor suggests to do.
I'm with Dean on this one, knowing how hard you worked on the 4th/ 5th step. Keep moving forward and burn that shit from the past in 6 and 7, you can always work on new things that come up in step 10.
Cheer up ;) you have a bright future! This isn't about morbid reflection...
Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Col, When I did my 5th step, my plan was to let go of the little stuff, the things that I could name but really were inconsequential to me. God's plan was different. The absolute thing that I swore for years I would take to my grave was the first thing I let go of. I was so ashamed and distraught, and thought my sponsor would be disgusted and " fire" me. Instead she hugged me, let me cry, told me she loved me. Told me that God had already forgiven me, and I needed to forgive myself. I told her I didn't know how, didn't think I could. So she told me to pray for God to give me the ability to forgive myself. so I did. Daily, for weeks. Bit by bit, the load became lighter. Today, a year later, I can share my story, the whole thing, with another woman in certain situations. I cannot say I have completely forgiven myself, and I don't know if I will ever be able to 100%, but today I can live with myself. And that's amazing, because I ran from myself for sooo many years. So don't give up, keep moving and get on to the 6th &. 7th step, as others have said. (((hugs))) & peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Colleen, doing the steps is just a framework for living your life. Yeah...sometimes it clears up junk from the past and you feel cleansed, but really, the process of step 4 and 5 (and 6 through 9 also) is so that you can do a good step 10 at the end every day. After a prolonged period where you are not acting in the destructive ways like you listed in your 5th step, you will be like "WTF. I am different. Cool!" That is what it has been like for me. It was anticlimactic at the time. The steps gave me tools to change as a person and that miracle was not apparent until I'd actually lived differently for a while.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Col, I wish you could have been at my meeting last night. The topic was step 5. There was such a range of experiences in the room. Many people said that they didn't feel how they thought they would, some people said their second step 5 was the best, or their third.
Thank you all for your responses, it's always good to listen to others. It provides an opportunity to hear some good things, and things that may not be easy to hear- those 'hard things to hear' are sometimes very valuable and provide an opportunity for growth. Tomas, you remind me of the men at a nooner meeting I go to often. Many of them have mind- boggling amounts of sobriety. Many have been sober longer than I have been on this planet. They tell their truth and don't mince words. At this meeting I keep my mouth shut and listen. I often hear things that I don't want to hear, but sometimes need to hear. Truth can hurt sometimes. After much pondering and prayer ( a lot of prayer) in which I questioned what the heck I'm doing here, and if I should bother to continue down this path I've become closer to my HP. I have not failed. I needed to hear your words to really know that. I thank you sincerely.
Hey col, ... ... ... After re-reading your first post again, and all the others, I just felt I there was something missing too ...
I don't know all the details of exactly how you worked your fourth and fifth, but the method I use with my sponsees is to have them begin with earliest memory and list all events worth getting 'pissed off' about down on paper along with a person , place, or thing that is significant ... no matter if the anger was 'justified' or not ... and it could be as simple as getting upset with mom or dad for not letting you have the car or staying out late ... or as criminal as my stealing something or trying to hurt someone for revenge or whatever reason ...
The purpose was to put down in front of me, the reasoning behind the 'way I think' ... it's like 'hi-lighting' a passage in a book ... this 'hi-lighted' the bad areas of my 'thinking' ... NOW, when I spend a long fifth step with a person, it's for me to listen, not judge ... THEN, together sometimes, or they can do this alone, but the list of 'character defects' is then set afire and burned to ashes ... ALL this 'negative stuff is now 'the past' ... it's ALL GONE ... not forgotten totally, but now NOT a part of my 'new way to think' ... it's is most definitely like being 're-born' to a 'new self' ... to learn all the right ways to live and think ... it's wonderful and it is frequently like the lode of the world being lifted off one's shoulders ...
OR ... ... ... it can be something as simple as a 'light-bulb' being turned 'on' in your head ... either way, we must 'Let go and Let God' ... ... ... We learn to let go of the past and release ourselves of it's strangle-hold on us ... we will wish to re-call certain things as we share our 'experience' for others to learn from at times, but that's it ...
Also, ... ... ... for me? ... it didn't HIT me til a few days later ... and it was BAM, everything, all of a sudden made perfect sense ... (I seriously almost wrecked my car while headed to a meeting ... I completely zoned out for only a few seconds, thank God, but I came to my senses soon enough to not run off the road entirely ...) ... ... ... all the years I was in and out of AA, all this time fighting the changes, all this time letting alcohol control my life, it all came together ... I knew now that God was in control of my life ... IF I'D JUST LET HIM/HER BE ... It all made perfect sense to me ... this was my BIG .. A H A! .. moment ... (it was my 'spiritual awakening) ... and I have learned it doesn't always happen to everyone the same way ... it took Dr. Bob a long time versus the way it happened for Bill W. ... ... ...
Col? ... as long as you don't drink today, you've made progress and you are where you're supposed to be today ... just don't do like I did in my early attempts with AA ... I wound up taking MY 'will' back and doing things my way ... don't know why, it never worked in the past anyway, LOL ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
