I know my mom. She worries. And when she worries she will tell you what is going on without tact. The fact that I was often plagued by her criticisms and experienced her negatively so much was not all her fault. She's just that way. It was me who GAVE HER REASONS to worry. I made bad relationship choices, bad financial choices, I had problems with bosses, and my life was fraught with drama that I didn't realize I brought on myself.
Mark,
We always have a choice no matter what life gives us. You did give your Mom reasons to worry yes, but the rest of it was entirely up to her. There is no manual on parenting. She clearly loves you and is doing it the best she knows how considering she might not have gotten a copy of parenting 101 either.
I love the saying "Let it begin with me".
I loved your post here Mark - as someone already said - it's so beautiful to hear the words from your heart.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 20th of January 2013 08:11:21 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
For years and year I thought of my mom as being a thorn in my side and I have defined her as constantly critical and grating - Though at any given time I would always have told you I loved my mom despite these things. She would typically call me once a week and berate me telling me she worried about me when I didn't get in touch with her or she didn't know what I was up to. She would also constantly give me reminders that I needed to handle this or handle that. I though she was a horrible nag even though I loved her always.
So I noticed that I hadn't talked to my mom in about a month. She finally called me and left me a message about one of my nephews doing a school project where they have to write a letter to someone that lives far away or something and to look out for the letter coming from him and she says to call back.
I was expecting to get guilted for not calling for a month and to hear some criticism. What actually occured was a nice conversation about a variety of things including the cruise me and my partner just went on, work, what they've been up to.
Mom told me about a cousin who continues to struggle with drug addiction and my aunt (the mother of this cousin) whom she recently talked to and got all the gory details about how my cousin was stealing all their stuff and selling it for drugs etc....
Mom tells me "So I told her going to AA is one of the best things Mark ever did. It really works."
After I hung up, I was like "OMG! WTF!" Not only did she not criticize me, she just paid me major compliments or she paid AA major compliments - either or both of which I am pleased with. She is talking good things about me to family instead of the latest problem and drama. And furthermore, I looked back and realized we haven't had one of those conversations where she gives me backhanded criticisms and "nagging" for a really long time.
I know my mom. She worries. And when she worries she will tell you what is going on without tact. The fact that I was often plagued by her criticisms and experienced her negatively so much was not all her fault. She's just that way. It was me who GAVE HER REASONS to worry. I made bad relationship choices, bad financial choices, I had problems with bosses, and my life was fraught with drama that I didn't realize I brought on myself. In retrospect, I was basically functioning like a teenager that still requires strong parental guidance. Shockingly (not) that is the age that I started drinking. Imagine why that's where my maturity was at years later. Combine that with my mother's nature and there you have it....
The relationship has changed. Now I have enough clarity to know it's because I have grown up some and I don't give her so many reasons to worry about me. Among the numerous rewards AA has given me, this one is probably the best. All my parents ever wanted was for me to grow up, be happy, and not struggle. My alcoholism (and the soul sickness at the root of it) caused me to be perpetually emotionally stunted, unhappy, and struggling with the simplest things.
It feels so good to have conversations with my mom and they are now so enjoyable because I'm not the same person. We are two fully functioning adults. She doesn't have to worry any more. Her job was really not done until I grew up. AA help me grow up and that's the best thing that could have happened for me and my relationship with my mom. For this, I'm grateful.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
That's a wonderful thing to be grateful for! As I was reading your post, Mark, I realized this is also true of my own mother and I.. The 'nagging' to call her back, my petulant teen attitude. I also think, in my case, ignoring my mom was a means of controlling the relationship.. And also a means of punishing her for the mistakes I thought she made during my childhood. I didn't want to cut ties completely- I wanted just enough to manipulate. Thank you for posting this- you put into words many aspects of my own relationship with my mom that I hadn't really thought about:)
Can truly identify Mark, I started my plummet into oblivion before my teenage years.Spent 25 years out on the tiles thru 3 marriages and divorces,jails ,institutions,derilicition and WE know the rest.My mom ,now 88 has 'been in my Life' for almost last 30 years,herself a closet alcoholic herself, who knows her boundaries.WE share a common ground,one which we both have faced and have worked to remain free and in the God of our understandings care.Thanks for reminding to call more often than I do.For years,because of my lifestyle I chose not to visit or have either one of my parents visit me or me them,sometimes for over a year.My pops left early in '83 a year and a half before I surrendered and began recovery,but mom still there with that little spark I see in her eyes though a little dulled by nearly 9 decades of LIFE. IN RECOVERY,LOST DREAMS AWAKEN AND NEW POSSIBLITIES CONTINUE TO ARISE. We know that worrying is a lcak of faith,but I dont think,from my own evidence that parents ever do stop,but they can know,that there children have found a better way to live and that truly brings comfort.Thanks for sharing from your heart Mark,,,stay blessed.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
My mother's memorial service, laid torest 25 years ago today..My mother saw me as a different person from the drunk I was..She always took care of me.. I Never mentioned much about AA but she knew something was working...Time sure flies.
Do I miss my mom..not really..In a better place I figure..someday re-united
On 12-9-11 I celebrated 10,000 days of continuous drug-free sobriety........(got published in Grapevine on line "Angel in the Glass", for the miraculous event)..... On that same day, my mother was put into a home for alcoholic dementia (aka wet brain)..... She wanted to be a real mom....but her alcoholism prevented it....................I love my mom sooooooo much...but, from the start of my alcoholism, I drank with her alot.......We have had no real relationship since I got sober 28 years ago.......I often wake up weeping for her......God has sent me other "Mothers" in A.A., but noone can replace your mom!!!!! My mom CANNOT care about my son and I! NOONE CAN REPLACE YOUR MOTHER!
On 12-9-11 I celebrated 10,000 days of continuous drug-free sobriety........(got published in Grapevine on line "Angel in the Glass", for the miraculous event)..... On that same day, my mother was put into a home for alcoholic dementia (aka wet brain)..... She wanted to be a real mom....but her alcoholism prevented it....................I love my mom sooooooo much...but, from the start of my alcoholism, I drank with her alot.......We have had no real relationship since I got sober 28 years ago.......I often wake up weeping for her......God has sent me other "Mothers" in A.A., but noone can replace your mom!!!!! My mom CANNOT care about my son and I! NOONE CAN REPLACE YOUR MOTHER!
