So here I am. Waiting around for someone to notice me. Hoping that someone will pick me. Bursting with the desire to share what I have found... yet... opportunity does not knock.
Do I really trust in the path today? Do I really believe I am exactly where I am suppose to be? Do I belong to this moment... or do I let it slip by as I dream of what could be or could have been...
My husband and I lay face to face on the floor. He has a stuffed caterpillar for a pillow, I have a bunched up old baby blanket that still smells like mothers milk no matter how many times it is washed.
Our children now 3 & 6, still find the greatest joy in climbing all over us, tugging at this or that like little lion cubs until they finally get a tickle or a bit of jostling. We are instantly transformed from big Mama and Papa bears, to toddler jungle gyms, that must smell of lollipops, as the minute we hit the ground they appear as if from thin air to bounce and play on us.
He asks me what I thought of the reading this morning. I say that I didn't read it. He runs to collect his book, and reads this morning's passage leaning into it with a smile. It is relevant to some of the feelings we had this morning as we discussed our finances and the heat went up a few degree's.
I asked to speak about it later. I felt it wasn't healthy to continue on until we were calmed down. Now he is receptive to that. He wanted to applaud my self care, and reiterate the fact that I had done the right thing... as it stated so in our book. He told me I didn't have to be afraid of him anymore, that he could feel he is changing and can be calmer.
Now he is finding the joy of the program, he wants to be of service and share what he knows too. No one else has picked us, so we listen to each other, help each other, commend each others efforts, even when it means we must throw our own self under the bus. Well, really, just attempting rigorous honesty another day.
What happened was, I left the room when I felt the anger coming on, and he thought that was a very good thing... distancing ourselves from the hot tempers.
"Here's the thing though", I said "I can run and never look back". I can use anything for a selfish excuse... even healthy boundaries. I can turn that into: Leave me alone, which really is just a cover for "I'm scared".
If I don't come back and talk about it later... communication breaks down. Resentments can fester. Responsibilities left unattended. So here we had alanon and AA butting heads? Hmmm. What a nice problem to have after all : )
I felt that as a selfish alcoholic, I could use "distancing myself" to the point of creating my own little run away bubble to hide in... and what happens to me then? I know the feeling all to well. That feeling of feeling all alone in a room full of people... even people who love you... they just quit trying to knock on the door all together after a while.
Today I can build a door. It doesn't have to a big fancy door, just a small, easy to open door. Maybe one with a window to let the sun shine in. I can take small baby steps through it. I can put a welcome sign on it, and a beautiful inviting wreath. I can let the past be the past, and see what might show up on my door step today. This is a new day after all. We've all changed and grown and learned new things since yesterday... and oh what a gift it is for me to have done it sober.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks Tasha, .... Kinda looks like you are able now to step back and review how the 'old ways of thinking' compare to the 'new ways of thinking' in a very constructive way ... nice job!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Good share , Tasha. One of the greatest challenges in my early recovery was living with my wife, who had no recovery. After she joined Alanon, things improved dramatically as we earnestly worked our programs with our sponsors. All my 2 little children, then 2 & 5 years old wanted, was a stable home with sane parents. I know that you are on track to many wonderful things. God bless.
(((Tasha))) I relate because I am also one of the natural critters on the face of this planet...human and imperfect. I have never been able to find perfection and so I stopped looking for it. What I look for is the power and assets to be a "part of" what I am obviously a only a part of. Sometimes...not always the sum of the parts do not fit in harmony; it might be me for whatever humane reason or sometimes I want to perceive that it is the "other" part that doesn't fit and I remember that the perspective often times isn't shared...only I am looking at the pictgure the way I am looking at the picture and the "other" is not. There are solutions that I may choose...many of them and if I am able to catch myself in time the list of alternatives will be wide because it is the list of "we" or "us" alternatives...after all I am a "part" of and not the "whole" of. If I stay ahead of my "self" and do that with an "open" mind, keeping in mind the part that is larger, the bigger picture, the "we and us" perspective I will participate "wholely" looking at the sum of the parts and I can remember that "feelings" are choices and often times it is better for me to choose the "feeling" early rather than later because that makes it easier to focus on and maintain.
I like your metaphor for being open and the awareness that resentment is often the lock that keeps the door firmly closed. Often it is better to remove the wall of resentment and to take the door in it off of its hinges. I do that when I let go of the fear of not being able to fit. If opportunity doesn't knock you must listen deeply for the call to be patient is often very very soft and that in itself is an opportunity. There are many parts...you have one and are one...maybe just not yet. Stay a "we" one.
