In the very beginning - too much. Learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut about it and do it for me and give him a much needed break - space to breath - time to heal and eventually think about trust through my consistent better choices.
At some point, I realized that he just needed a break from it being ALL ABOUT ME!
First all about my drinking - now all about my recovery - sheesh! Where was he in the mix????
I began to ask him as I grew emotionally... after quite some time.
Finally he began to ask himself.
Then he began his own recovery process slowly, first coming along to aa speaker meetings and going to alanon meetings here and there.
Now he reads the literature, does daily meditations just like me, and we speak recovery often and even joke about it and poke at each other in a fun way to help us stay in check while parenting - discussing things - dealing with others etc.
We are learning we have a much deeper relationship now - but we are also learning to not take it too far. Mostly, we can't get carried away thinking we can tell each other what to do etc. Just like in the program - we can offer experience, suggestions if we're asked - but nothing more.
And - because we are husband and wife - this sort of respect has been great for our marriage. We were certainly very lacking in that!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 7th of January 2013 04:48:02 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
If you are married or in a relationship, how much do you talk with your partner about recovery? Do they 'get it'? I find myself not knowing how to talk about it.
I'm sure it varies greatly between relationships ... I've heard some spouses don't want to hear a word AND they 'for sure' don't want to hear about their 'character defects' ... as far as they are concerned, we are the ones that are broken and in need of fix'n ... AND due to the fact that 'anonymity' is the 'spiritual foundation' to all our Traditions, we tend to stay 'mum' about certain aspects of our program ... even to family and friends ...
Most families of the alcoholic are 'spiritually ill' too and if they come to realize this after a certain period of our sobriety and want to learn how we can change to different persons, then usually they will be curious and come to us and discuss this wonderful new person we've become ... they may actually, after a time, want what we have ... (our new 'attitude and outlook' on life) ... they have Al-Anon available to them if they're not alcoholic ...
It's kind of funny now with me and the little woman ... if I have missed a week or so of meetings due to illness or travel or whatever, she'll slip in the phrase "don't you think you need a meeting?" ... you haven't been in a couple weeks ... of course she's right, but it hits me funny, cause she never used to pay attention to anything I did ... AND when extra time is required for me to work with a new sponsee or something, she's VERY understanding now and very supportive ... (and I only questioned her motive once ... I asked why she was concerned for my meetings ... she said, cause I don't ever want to go back to the Hell I used to live in ...) ... nuff said ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My ex partner is in AA and has been sober and clean for 15 years. When we were together i never got AA and when he would talk of the big book and meetings it use to get on my nerves a bit,i didnt understand why after 15 years clean and sober he still felt the need to go to meetings. Its only now that i am starting to see the bigger picture as i start my own journey with getting sober and staying that way,i have a very long and hard road to travel but will make it with the help of AA and friends and family.
My wife and I are both in recovery, she is more NA but we both go to meetings together and separate. Its nice to have someone your close with that knows what your going through.
There is a lot written on this subject in the Book. Around p98/99 this little passage:
"After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree."
The general thing is that the family or partner may be slow to come around, not without good reason. It's kind of up to them to set the pace. Regardless of how they feel or what they say, we must remember it is our problem, not theirs, and it is up to us to show by example that we are on a new path.
That reminds me of what BB (bikerbill) shared one time ... a guy said to his sponsor, I thought you said if I come to AA for six months, I'd get my wife back ... the 'old timer' said 'you keep coming for another six months and you won't want her back ... LMAO
(It's a joke people ... no offense!)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
as the wife of an aa'er, its offensive. you guys think you've solved your spiritual and moral delimmas--and perhaps you have. the 'other' person is left having a relationship with aa rhetoric, albeit sober aa rhetoric. the fact that i might 'come around' is interesting...come around to what? your way of things...again?
as the wife of an aa'er, its offensive. you guys think you've solved your spiritual and moral delimmas--and perhaps you have. the 'other' person is left having a relationship with aa rhetoric, albeit sober aa rhetoric. the fact that i might 'come around' is interesting...come around to what? your way of things...again?
tread lightly...
Welcome cgpmep, ...
Correction ... the 'other' person is left to make their own decisions ... Al-Anon is one choice that offers a 12 step program also, which closely parallels ours ... you can judge us however you like if it makes you feel better or superior to us, we don't care nor will we hold it against you ...
A lot of us have, over time, become grateful to be alcoholics lest we would not have learned of our higher power and the power and miracles of such a knowledge ...
cgpmep, ... you said "come around to what?" ... We pray that you are able to come around to a life that is happy, joyous , and above all, free ... that is what we have come to experience and we wish it to all we come in contact with ... I'm truly sorry for the attitude you seem to be carrying with you ... it doesn't make for a happy existence ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Correction ... the 'other' person is left to make their own decisions ... Al-Anon is one choice that offers a 12 step program also, which closely parallels ours ... you can judge us however you like if it makes you feel better or superior to us, we don't care nor will we hold it against you ...
A lot of us have, over time, become grateful to be alcoholics lest we would not have learned of our higher power and the power and miracles of such a knowledge ...
cgpmep, ... you said "come around to what?" ... We pray that you are able to come around to a life that is happy, joyous , and above all, free ... that is what we have come to experience and we wish it to all we come in contact with ... I'm truly sorry for the attitude you seem to be carrying with you ... it doesn't make for a happy existence ...
you're right--i'm new--and don't know how to use quotes:)
i do make my own decisions, not sure what you're talking about there. i've been to al-anon on and off for a few months, fine group. and i have spirituality, not as you all describe/proscribe it, but i guess that's my choice, isn't it. i'm not judging you--except for your offensive joke--i am judging that. have your program, however, tread lightly on saying that we want to feel superior, how about just human? and having a conversation with our human partner, not a set of steps that has helped you. when i am told i choose to feel a certain way, it feels extremely invalidating. how about taking some responsiblity for your current (and i'm using 'your' in referring to my own relationship) actions/nonactions? i'm obviously feeling stressed right now due to our situation (which is too long and complicated to foist on this forum) and i've come here trying to see how others handle having a relationship--too steal some kernels of great relationship tips--not hearing about YOU--but US. if you subscribe to the 'none of my business' and keeping my side of the street clean quips, it doesn't seem to make a relationship...perhaps good fellow humans, but not intimacy.
as for a happy exsistence, well that's not my goal. peace and a rich relationship is my goal. i have wonderful daughters and a good, supportive grouping of friends and on the whole, a good life. it simply feels as if i don't live and speak the aa way, via my spouse, i'm not 'doing it right.' and the little ball under the clam shells seems to be constantly on the move.
One thing about our program and new way of life is that we enjoy it and laughing at each other and ourselves is a significant part of the healing process ...
I have been married to only one woman in my lifetime ... we are coming up on our 40 year anniversary this next July ... our relationship has improved drastically due to AA's program and the lasting sobriety I've come to know through the program ... ... So, married jokes are just something to laugh at and are in no way meant to point a finger at you or anyone else, it's just a freakin' joke ... no big deal ... when BB told that a month ago, everyone thought it hilarious ... (my wife loves jokes like this too ... we don't take them personally)
I beg of you to try and find a way to remove the 'emotional' chip you seem to have on your shoulder, lighten up a bit ... this will lower your blood pressure and do you a world of good ...
Just cause you don't speak the AA way via your spouse, doesn't mean that you or he either one are in the 'right' ... but maybe he's learned more 'acceptance' in the program and it's helping him stay sober ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I say go ahead and be pissed. You've been through living hell because of this flippin disease. We are in that boat together at least. I've been pissed that I am powerless over alcoholism too. What a drag! I'm just as powerless over this disease of alcoholism, as I would be of cancer or any other life threatening disease - and so are my loved ones. They can't just tell me to "stop" having cancer, and they can't just tell me to stop having alcoholism.
When someone has cancer - they begin to do what it takes - reach inside - lean on a HP - reach out - learn to think about things differently - try and look at the good in life instead of the bad... all sorts of things to get through it and survive it. We do the same thing. We start to think and eventually BECOME different to live. It takes time and patience for us and for those who love us and are going through it with us. But just like you can't take chemo for someone... you can't take the steps for an alcoholic. You do however, have to deal with all the puke, all the time, all the trips to the hospital... all the rest of life for sometimes a long while. And in the process... you lose you... if you don't take care of yourself, and find a HP, try to look at the good... etc etc etc. Whatever it takes for YOU> to be the true you.
So. I guess where I'm going with this dear friend of ours, is that maybe you are stuck where my husband and I were stuck. We did not believe that alcoholism was a disease - or HOW it could possibly be one.
First I learned all about that, and my husband did not... and it took a long time for him to decide to learn about it, but once he did... he could then accept that it is in fact a disease, and understand that he is powerless over it... just as much as any other. From there... things got better for him.
For now... if getting super pissed is what you need to do... then have at it. Be pissed... there is no shame in that... just don't get stuck there... and that's what pappy was trying to say... that is no life and we don't want to see anyone suffer...
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
