I dont think I will ever get it..

ChristineG · Senior Member

I dont think I will ever get it..

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

I had 3 months, then 6, my longest was 8 then I relapsed and had 4, well the past few months I have been smoking weed and justifying it to myself (its legal in some states) well I slipped up last week, had about 5 long islands and lost $1000 at the casino, worst part was I took my wife on this trip and she relapsed too. Shes stronger than me, had over 14 months and she chops it up as a experience to remind her not to drink, she hasnt had any for a week, no desire, I sit here typing this tipsy wondering how mcstagger can finally grasp this but I cant, its like my mind goes and goes til I give in, maybe I need to find a rehab, problem is Im broke, again I ask for prayers and come to you all humble. Thanks

mrpeel · Senior Member

Prayers for you coming from the gulf coast.

Col · MIP Old Timer

Prayer sent your way

yogiart · Member

Prayers are going your way SoberSteve. You and your wife remind me of me and my wife. We both triggered each others for years. We are both addicts and alcoholics. One day we just got it and continued being clean and sober. We got ourselves involved in the program and done so much service at the beginning. If you think you need a rehab, then maybe you do and it could be the most important investment in your life. Keep coming back to meetings no matter what. I am just sharing what worked for me. I am not trying to preach, I am just sharing with you what have worked for me and my wife.

Once I heard a speaker in a meeting saying that he spent $1000s of dollars in rehabs only to learn the AA is free and it does work.

You'll get there my friend. I've been there and I feel you.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Steve, ...

Sounds like you weren't broke before last week ...

My life started turning around when I started doing what pg.s 85, 86, and 87 of the BB suggested ... Father, take me today and do with me as you see fit, may thy will be done, and definitely help me to not take a drink or drug today ... Amen ...

Prayers from us won't hurt a thing Steve, but you must 1st make a decision, and follow that up with action ... Neither I nor the others here can work the program for you, you already know that ... you know the things you must do ... stop making excuses why you can't or don't want to ... just do it ...

Go to 90 meetings in 90 days ... please don't cheat yourself out of them ... else 'progress' may never visit you ...

Pappy

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Steve - you keep coming back. You've been around a while. What would the sober recovering you say to the relapsing you right now?

It's all in there inside of you Steve. Just let it work. You know the drill. Quit kicking your own ass and let a HP work from inside of you now.

You can do it.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hey Steve!

Reservations are places in our programs we have reserved for relapse.(my mind goes and goes until I give in) This is what we are told" Page 59, paragraph 3: "Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery!!!.You know the drill but its an inside job,emotional acceptance of utter defeat. You are still alive and through God's grace and mercy you have another opportunity so I can only suggest.. Just For Today WE dont have to use alcohol or for that matter any other mind altering,mood changing substance.Relapses don't occur overnite,somewhere along the line some part of our process was probably neglected?.I am always reminded that A.A.(if that is the program of recovery you choose)is not a program to get us Sober,its a program to teach us how to live our livees sucessfully ,happily, possibly joyful once WE get sober. In prayer and thought ,you have my email........God will heal our broken hearts,we just have to give God all the pieces!!! Peace man..

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Thank you everyone, I just threw away my pot, my pipe and a beer and a half. going to do 90 in 90 with God on my side. I felt your prayers, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Sober McHappy · Veteran Member

Steve,

I have struggled and tortured myself for two decades with this crazy disease. And I'm certainly not confident the suffering is over yet. I don't have much insight or wisdom to share but I can tell you what turned the tide for me. Completely by chance I found someone even sicker than I am and offered him whatever encouragement and guidance I could. Somehow sharing what I could remember from the big book, meetings, long forgotten sponsors and this forum made it real to me. I felt like a small but important stepping stone to this person getting well.

I remember many an oldtimer telling me that it's never too early to reach out a suffering alcoholic. I was too wrapped up in my own head to listen and too full of self pity to think I could be of help to anyone. All these years later I think i understand. When you pass it on it grows inside you.

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Hugs, Steve. We are here for you.

Sober Mc, I am so glad you posted that. Sometimes I hesitate to give support because I am so newly sober myself and think it won't mean anything.

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

RubyTues wrote:
Sometimes I hesitate to give support because I am so newly sober myself and think it won't mean anything.

It ALWAYS means something even if you can't see it at the time.

Prayers and support on the way Steve. You'll get there.

vixen · MIP Old Timer

Prayers sent. :)

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

OMG...McHappy... That ruled. What you said is very true. When you give it away, it grows inside you...

Also Steve, stop comparing yourself to others. The program has worked for you or your wouldn't have accumulated these fairly decent stretches of sobriety. Yes, your program needs tweaking. You need to stick to what folks say and recognize your relapses coming. Beware complacency. I'm guessing you didn't run this "pot idea" by your sponsor?? Liquor is legal too and that is everyones whole problem here so that logic was pretty busted.

My brain does not know what's good for me. It's better now than when I had less than a year sober (and when actively drinking) but I still need to run things by other sober alcoholics so they can call me on my BS. Get another sponsor and utilize them without fail and don't stop this time. The program works for you CLEARLY - you just stop working it.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Steve, ...

Just wanted to add that it helped me to get out from behind the computer and go to f-to-f meetings and to have a f-to-f sponsor ... this is really the part where we need to 'take action' to make our sobriety real, not fantasy, being isolated at home ... I know you've tried to assist others in their sobriety, but I think it requires more 'up close and personal' time than most of us realize ... f-to-f makes it real ... Web site forums are nice and a great way to help others but there NO substitute for the hugs found at every meeting, those are real ...

and I have to add that Sober McHappy has made a great impression on me by the wisdom he shared below ... WOW ... you go Sober Mc ... I knew you had it in you, but it's just wonderful to see the change in you ... you are an inspiration man, God Bless ...

Sober McHappy wrote:

I remember many an oldtimer telling me that it's never too early to reach out a suffering alcoholic. I was too wrapped up in my own head to listen and too full of self pity to think I could be of help to anyone. All these years later I think i understand. When you pass it on it grows inside you.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Welcome back Steve. Begin at the beginning on the 1st step.

chris · Senior Member

There's a guy I've known forever who comes in and out of the program on a regular basis. In the 6+ years I've been regularly attending the meetings I like to go to, I can always tell when he's relapsed. He starts coming less and less and distancing himself from others. Steve, do you attend meetings every day, even more than one a day? In early sobriety I was going to 10+ meetings a week or however many it took for me to stay sober. I immersed myself in the program, had a coffee job, set up job, greeter, I did it all at one point. Good luck.

Db1105 · Senior Member

Every day is a new day and a new beginning. Keep trying

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Steve,
Not to worry. You know deep down you are a drunk and need to stop. Your demon just keeps outsmarting you. What will you do different this time? You've tried "A". You've tried "B". The trick is perseverance. Would it have made a difference if you lost $2000 AND killed someone in a car wreck? Your chances of that happening are large when you drink. Like Dean says, simply start over. Take your time. The stress will be less because you know the drill.
Tom

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome back Steve. You know what it takes. If you can detox ok, you don't need treatment. They mostly want to et you to meeting and into the steps and BB.

Dodsworth · Senior Member

As Bob Forrest told me last week: Perfection gets people drunk. It does me. Why set a sobriety goal you have no intention to complete? When I fail at some principle or goal (say, 90 in 90), I use that as an excuse to drink- "I don't have the willingness!!". The saying "meeting makers make it" is misleading in my head. It's like saying "People who choose to do something other than drink don't get drunk". If I miss meetings or don't pray or don't call my sponsor or fall short of some recovery bullet-point...so what? The name of the game for me is not to drink. If I want to drink, I'll drink whether I do any of those things. Give yourself a huge break. Life is too short to beat yourself up. There is nothing to "get". That is my experience. What kept me sober yesterday?- A miniscule amount of faith and talking to another alcoholic. If I take some direction from others and not drink, my life will improve, or so I'm told. If i choose to be an idiot and be fearful and defiant, well thats bound to happen. Don't have to drink over it.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Hi Steve, sorry to see you are still battling.

My experience with weed is limited but the most telling time I used it was at the suggestion of friends. I was dry for a few months and very unhappy. They felt I would behave better with dope than I did with booze. I felt an easier softer way would be better than what I was feeling. Note there was no thought about whether to drink or not.

The thing was I had lost the power of choice where drink was concerned. I couldn't choose not to drink, but equally I was not choosing to drink either. This was always the way with me, drinking even when I had decided not to, drinking without conscious thought.

So I smoked the dope because I wanted to feel better. I felt bad because my spiritual malady had not been treated. I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. My choice was to try an easier softer way. The result? A drink was down my neck in seconds. But I didn't choose to drink. That started a two year bender over which I had no control.

But why was my alcoholism untreated. Simple. I made a choice NOT to do the work. That is where I had the power of choice, to do the work or not, to be rigorously honest or not, to hold back in the steps or not, to help another alcoholic or not, to seek conscious contact with a higher power or not, to try and do His will or not, to place my dependence entirely on Him or not, to try and practice these principles in ALL my affairs or not.

Those were the sort of choices I could make, and when I made the right choices, my alcoholic problem was removed and, if I continue to make the right choices, experience shows it will stay away. Today I still don't have the power of choice as to whether I drink or not. The question just never comes up. God has never put me in any situation where drinking has occured to me as an option or possible solution, He has always helped me through life's problems.

Steve, once you fully understand the first step, what it means to have absolutuely no choice either way, to be utterly powerless, therein lies the real reason to do the rest of the work.

God bless,
MikeH