I'm drunk

radtk018 · Newbie

I'm drunk

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Hi Amy. Glad you're here. I do understand and I know it hurts. No lecture, but I must quote a slogan "it works IF YOU WORK IT" and that's the god's honest truth. A million meetings, a million days of not drinking will not last if you don't work the steps, ALL of them. There is no time limit on them, you're right about that, but I almost bet if you go back and think about your time in sobriety there was opportunity and possibly a "nagging" if you will, to do a 4th Step. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but when it was over, what a relief. Today I have a sense of peace and it came only AFTER STeps 4 & 5.

No one will tell you to end your relationship, but you may want to think about taking care of you first.

You've taken Step 1 again, and there's no shame in starting over. The shame comes if you don't.

Keep posting. Pray. I'm praying for you.

Love and hugs

Doll

rosie light shines · MIP Old Timer

doll said>>>>>> "it works IF YOU WORK IT" and that's the god's honest truth. A million meetings, a million days of not drinking will not last if you don't work the steps, ALL of them.

rosie says>>>>> AMEN to above, AND for me until i was ready adn WILLING to admit my defeat, i mean REALLY belly up and say "i am powerless over my life" things didn't change....i had to really admit that on MY will--- forget it!!!! working the STEPS and TOTAL cooperation with my higher power is keeping me straight.....AND its a day to day situation.....i will never be "cured" of my many problems, but i CAN overcome on a ONE day at a time basis....knowing that keeps me workin the program and doing ALL the sugesstions it says......i am glad you came here, drunk or no, i am glad you came.......i am not here to lecture you either...but i AM here to listen and encourage and give MY experience and strength adn hope......... DAY to DAY, i maintain my emotional and physical sobriety......and only by looking within to my higher power..........hang in there, amy, there IS a way, i know, becuz i stay willing and i stay open and i stay honest with me and my higher power....and i work the STEPS....again and again, over and over, i do the steps...they are a habit now...a good one!!!!! thanks for your honesty.... as to the relationship U R in??? i broke up with my EX for the very same thing....i wanted recovery...he did not....he than became a liability to my taking care of me...i sadly let him go!!! but i did the best favor to me......i got into recovery.........peace/ rosie

radtk018 · Newbie

Thank you for responding to quickly. I cry so hard as I writte this. I know I need the meeitngs. 90 in 90 days. I don't know I can do it. WHY AM i SO D**** WEEK????? I don't want to lose this relationship after nearly 3 years, but I don't know how the heck I can ge sober without him getting sober too. And that will not happen.

I'm a drunk. I am drunk now. There's not a meeting to go to right now. And, I don't trust it all. I've seen people come and go, I don't trust anybody in this program 100%. Did you in the beginning? Did anybody? Who goes because they want to, like me in 1992, and who goes just because the court said you have to which happened to me in 2002? Now, the court does not require "proof" of going. But even the, the members signed my card, and i lied about staying sober - just wanting somebody to sign my card for the probation officer.

I am such a loser. I fool the PO and I fool myself. But, there's no more fooling me. I am a drunk - this minute. Right now.

I appreciate your words. I want to try. I want today to be my last night drinking. But I don't know that it will happen - especially without meetings - which Derek, the "significant other" and my drinking buddy, will likley disapprove of , thinking thats a way to meet other men. I hate fighting and don't want to fight with him, even though I know I need help.

Amy

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Hi Amy,

I can feel your pain and your loneliness. I too, quit for six years only to return to drinking, heavier then before. I believed I could handle it and after I returned to sobriety I truly read the big book and did the steps for the first time. My first sobriety, I maybe went to three or four meetings in those six years. After returning to sobriety, I openned up the book and the first line I saw was "knowledge will not keep you sober."

It is the truth, I tried sobriety with no AA and just my own knowledge. I failed! This sobriety, I went to meetings 3-5 times a week for the first two years. I had a great sponsor to help me with the 12 steps. I knew my way didn't work - so I tried the AA way - and it works.

As far as losing a lover - that's your choice. But drunk or sober, do you want to lose your lover... or... yourself...

In my thoughts and prayers,
Dave Harm

Creating Dreams

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hi Amy,

Your are right about the 4th step, it is the hardest. But I think you are way ahead of yourself.

First, the 1st Step is the only step that has to be done perfectly, when "we admit that we are alcoholic, that our lives have become unmanageable". When we can see that the reason, the only reason we drink, is due to Alcoholism.

Someone in Recovery told me that if I was having difficulty with any step, I needed to stop, and repeat the past step. He said if I was vigously doing the step that I was on, that the next step would be possible.

I want to tell you that for 10 years, A A had swinging doors, in and out I would go, I raised my hand as a newcomer just about 8 times a year, for TEN years! have to say that the biggest stubbling block was the 4th step, which included bring up stuff, well that I just had made a previous committment to taking to the grave with me.

But through this AA Program, and a Final Surrender, i was willing to do what I needed to do, and that meant doing the steps - in order, and I was so beaten by this disease, that I would finnally do whatever it took.

And please remember Amy, the Only Requirement in this Program is a Desire to quit drinking.

Certainly hope this does not sound like one of those "lectures" you mentioned.

But finally after many years in this program, without the need to be a newcomer, by not drinking one day at a time, I can tell you that the work is only for your benefit, the 4th step had a lot of toxic stuff in it for me, and I was so incredible relieved when that stuff came up and out of me - Never to Return.

Send me a personal message, if you want, or email me at tonidorazi@AOL.com, anytime. If I hear from you, I will give you my telephone number and you can call me. I have unlimited calling in the U.S.

Amy, this program is One day at a time, and sometimes, one hour at a time, and one minute at at time. I am here for you, if you need me. My prayers and love,

Toni

radtk018 · Newbie

Thank you so much for your reply. I have to go to bed and "pass out" now. Too drunk to write anymore. I will , though, take you up on the offer to email. I'm at radtk018@msn.com

I need to be braver and do the steps. I know this. I've never really had a sponsor. I wamt to recover. I want to heal. I know I am a drunk. I'm just so da** scared - of the changes it means in my life and the changes it will mean for my relationship and the crappy things he will say if I try to recover that will hurt so much - words cut like a knife.. Too much change for him, but I need and want to stop. I can't do it alone, this I know for sure.

Thank you so much for your response. I am tired, drunk, and ready to lay my body down in bed. I'll check the board again for anyone else with words, advise, encouragment and email you in the morning.

I am a crying, lonely drunk right now, as I'm sure most have been because the tears come so easy when I have dranl too much. If only I wouldn't take that first drink each day life would be better. But, once I take the first, I keep going until; like now, when I just want to sleep and forget it all.

I am sorry this is my last post for today. I wanted to reach out and I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated the replies and the honesty. I just want my brain to stop, go to sleep until tomorrow which will bring the next opportunity to be sober with any luck.

Thank you all from an active, "high" drunk tonight. I'm glad you were here.

Amy

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hi Again Amy,

Hope to hear from you, and you don't have to live like that anymore, can clearly recall those feelings of incomprehensible demolization. You don't have to any more.

Trust me, trust us, that that self loathing does go, and it goes fast when we put "the Plug in the Jug"

I believe most of the self hatred I felt for myself, came right out of the bottle.

Just want to say one thing more, (I noticed you were still online) All you really have to do are baby steps now.

God Bless Dear, and hope to hear from you,

Toni

Doll · MIP Old Timer

The BB quotes and the AA Slogans, Daily Meditaions, etc., REALLY DO HELP ME. Here are a couple of my favorites.

*****************************************

The more difficult your burden, the stronger you are after you overcome it.

Lord, bless me as You bring me to everlasting life.

*****************************************************************************************************************

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference.

-- Edited by Doll at 01:01, 2005-12-26

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

wow. There are a lot of people that don't get to the 4th Step, never take responsibility to do their part in self-improvement. There are various reasons,,, one of which seems to be scaring you. We are afraid that if we face ourselves we will only prove what losers we are,,, and we are afraid that we will have to do amends that will be just too humiliating to bear. But.. we are encouraged, in doing the 4th Step now to also see our strengths,, and if we have really done Steps 2 and 3 we are trusting that God is going to change us,, that we are going to be restored to sanity.

Another thing we tend to do is to think we have to come crashing into our future all at once, and then we just want to get blind drunk. But that is why they call these 'Steps'.. to get from here to there we have to take Steps. And they say 'a day at a time'.. 'just for today'... our future will unfold later.

So, what is the first Step you need to take right now? The first Step is to avoid the next drink, so you can think straight. right? Sounds like you might need to be detoxed, from the symptoms you describe. Then go from there.

About your drinking buddy? He is not thinking straight either,, so you going to stay confused cuz he's confused? You are basing your behavior on fears, but where does fear bring us? I have been motivated by fear a lot in my life too,, fear of my father, fear of failure, fear of hell, fear of success,,, and so I have spent a lot of time running away from the things I've been afraid of... right into a corner.

It is the AA program that has helped me to get out of the corner I was in. And I had to be in recovery myself before I could be any good to anybody else. Me and my loved ones were all on a path, hell bent for destruction. I shudder to remember it,, my bottom,, and then my desperate prayer to God to help us.... and He did,, and is.

I'm glad you're here.. that is a first Step toward recovery too. We're praying for you.

love in recovery,

amanda

zoomie · Senior Member

Good morning! I have to say I too was sober for 6 years and was out there for many years. I got married to an active drunk. After I came back almost 4 years ago,it took me some slipping and sliding to get back in the program mold. What I did was (and I'm a drama queen too LOL) was I was laying on the bed after only two drinks (along with medication) praying to God to either let me die or get me sober. I was in no danger of dying right then mind you,but i was in a lot of mental and emotional pain. A thought came to my head and it was to go to AA meetings. Just plain and simple. So the next day I up and went. I also got serious and knew what I had to do. 90/90,got a sponcer and read and did every step with my sponcer. I remembered to do exactly what I was told to do in my first rehab 17 years ago and what I learned in the program. I went cold turkey (not that I advise it) because I did't want to subject my children to another hospial stay with me being gone. It was hard,but I put one foot in front of the other. I also did the program one day at a time and still do. I don't know if I'm going to drink tommorrow,but I know I'll be sober today with 16 months under my belt. It feels so good after being a loser for so long. I was very honest with myself as well and anyone els. I was ashamed,but I'd be damed If I was going to let anyone els make me feel ashmed,so I got up and spoke and said I'm a loser, I'm one of those relapsers that everyone hates,"got a problem with it". LOL, no one said a word or lectured me. I also got active in the program and treated myself like I was a newbee. I was a coffee maker for a while until I passed it on to my sponcee. My sponcer made me go out and do 12th step work right away being he knew that would be the only thing that kept me sober. Writing to you today is helping me stay sober. As far as the forth, thats the easy part, it's the 5th step that has got people worried. Being that I was in the program before, I started my 4th where I left off when I started drinking. No use in rehashing old things. My sponcer being a man asked me if If I wanted to do the 5th with him or a woman, I said I do not mind doing my 5th with you as long as you do not mind blushing. We took an afternoon and did my 5th right from my 4th. The big book shows you how to do it in a non feeling way by writing short lines. I did not take a lot of time on my 4th being the 4th was just a reminder of what I wanted tosay and I talked a lot in my 5th. My other steps where easy too. I had to get real and lots of people I had already made amends too from the last time, some where dead and some it would be harmful for me if I made amends. It says "make amends to such people whenever possible except when to do harm." I will not put myself in harms way no matter what same as I would never put others in harms way. Just remember that and you'll be fine. This program wants us to live not tear apart ourselves. also giving the oppertunity and you cannot make direct amends to that person,do it for another person. Say you took $50 from your mom's purse when you where a kid,your mom has passed,then give $50 to the salvation army. My saying is keep it simple,do not cause yourself harm,your no good in jail or in a hospital and try to get the steps over with ASAP to get on with the last 3 steps to live a good life. Onec yoru done your done! Now I am divorcing my hubby for the simple fact that he is a big trigger for me. He has stopped drinking too,but he is not in the program,so it would be very easy for me to manipulate the situation and have us both drinking again. Plus there is too much water under the bridge for me to go back with him. I'm not sying to give up you S/O just to keep in mind of People, places and things...

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Rad.

You know the route.

Been there..done that..

Youre call...youre choices..

We care about you...and we understand..

recovering jb · Senior Member

Amy,

Glad you posted- I too have been in and out of the program for the past few years- mostly in, but the outs nearly killed me, and were excrutiating, mentally, physically, and spiritually- Often I wanted desparately to stay clean and sober, then drinking the next day, or that same day- Trying every way to successfully drown my emotions without destroying myself, but failing-

It seems like, if we are lucky, we are given windows where we have opportunities to get to meetings and get back on the path- I think its vital to get help when you can and while you still want to- even if you have to try a few times- For me, getting to a meeting, praying, calling other people, and listening to AA speakers from www.xa-speakers.org helped get me through it-

Well, I wish you the best-

Take Care and Don't be a stranger-
JB

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hi There Amy,

Hope you could feel all the love and caring that went your way last night. It is all sincere.

I think you mentioned last nite, that you really didn't like the meetings all that much - well a lot of us, and speaking for myself, really did not like the meetings at all, thought their cheeriness was fake.

But I made a decision that I was not there for them, I was there because I wanted to stop the prepetual blackouts, and it worked. It can take some time in the program to feel comfortable. But the day comes when you look forward to seeing all those people you did not like in the beginning - I promise that that will happen.

Anyway, hope you are feeling Just a little better, considering you probably

have a duzzy of a hangover. I hope to hear from you. You have got my email. or you can just write a note on the board so we know you came back.

Lots of caring.

I know I care.

God Bless, Toni

mikey50 · Senior Member

HI AMY ''

DONT worry about working all the steps right now ''you are not there yet

get your selve to a meeting and tell them you are new 'get phone # this is a we program

try not to do your selve'' you main focus should be on not drinking'' one day at a time.

herd some really good advise here good luck to you.

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hi Again Amy,

Let us hear from you, hope you are feeling a little better today,

I was just checking the board to see if you came back.

Toni

buckeyebear · Veteran Member

Hi Amy My name is David and I had 6 years and then 4 years sober but kept going back out because I didn't do step 4 and 5. It does work if you work it. I think you know that because you brought up that you didn't do them steps.It is on your mind so get to quite a lot of AA meetings, find a spounsor and get buzy on them steps. PLEASE!! Thanks and wish you the best. If you need to talk email me or someone on here you feel comfy with, but don't give up.