A dark palor follows me. It finds me at times of sobriety. 

Why I drink daily, let me tell you. 

When I don't drink for a single day I find the weight of my memories unbearable. I do not like my picture taken. When I see pictures of myself I mourn for failures and past transgressions. Every picture is a memory of failure. I do not like to look at pictures of others even in magazines; I wonder how they can so flippantly and carelessly float through life. I hate more than anything looking at pictures of those I love. What happened to them, why did I not help, where was I when they needed me and why did life not allow me to be there when they needed me most? How did life drive such painful memories into them and what can I do to help them? 

Cruelty. Life has been exceedingly cruel and brought me to the realization that humanity will do anything for the basest of reasons. I cannot even utter or think clearly of episodes that exist in the darkest reaches of my mind. These episodes were real, they are not imagination. When they come forth, I divert, distract, run in another direction. My own mind is something I avoid. 

I've lived in so many places. Places to where I've run, numerous other countries, military, college, I left it all behind so many times with just a backpack. I love new beginnings, and when I had one I never drank. It wasn't necessary. But when memories start again to collect I despair and return to drink. 

When I drink, I don't think of these things. When I drink I think, 'I like this beer'.

Life really hasn't been inhibited by my drinking. I've not gotten a DUI or lost a job, I've not affronted anyone, I do this in silence, I have a great job and have hurt no one.  

Hello questionable, Welcome to MIP!

It is unusual for folks to show up here unless they are questioning themselves about their drinking habits.Here is a short questionairre for you ,a generic one and not the one on the www.aa.org site  BUT SIMILAR. Only you know if you are alcoholic or not.It does sound though as your spirit is in want and you are tending to block out things that are affecting you. Check this out   look @#15 and#16 This is only a questionairre and not a judgement call or a condescending message.I can identify as I personally was in denial for decades before I accepted my illness..Thanks for sharing and helping us today.I wish you peace and serenity.Cmon back and let us know whats up!!!.This is one of the few tests I have taken where I got a perfect 100%,, ..Are You an Alcoholic? To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

You do not ever have to show this to anyone, nor should you!

---

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

16. Do you drink alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

---

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

---

Thank You Mikef, 

I answered Seven! yes. According to this test then I'm surely in trouble. I'm not however a fan of standardized tests. How do you like that little avoidance there? 

 

1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?

Yes

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

No

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

Yes

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

No

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

Yes

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?

No

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

No

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

No

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

Yes

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

Yes

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

No

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?\

No

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

No

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

No

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

YES

16. Do you drink alone?

YES

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

Long time ago so No

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

No

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

No

20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

No

I drank like you for a long time. It just gets worse and worse over time. At one point, I could answer yes to 7 of those questions too. But I let it go on from there until I could answer yes to every one. : (

Oh well, it's over now. Maybe you can say that too before you can answer yes to any more of those questions.

If you do have alcoholism, it will progress. It's a progressive disease.

Only you can decide.

Best wishes to you,
Tasha

And...query...

I get immediate satisfaction from the first sip of beer. I'm as drunk then as I am after my eighth. Seem odd? I never drink more than eight...that is the hard limit and I never cross it. 

Greg

Yes, I did that too for years. Almost exactly like that - same time frame - same number of drinks. Same immediate satisfaction and couldn't wait for the rest - disappointed when it was over and I had to go to bed.

Lots of people are fine until they have a lot of free time/less work or responsibilities/less people watching over them/etc. Once the opportunity is there to go hard core - you'd likely be all over it. Maybe not. I sure don't know. But that's how it went for me. Then I'd get all sorts of things going again, drink rigidly again (very planned and very robot like - not normal) then things in my life would change to where I could drink like a fish and get away with it, and I would again. It's just not normal to have so many rules involved in ones drinking. That's a sure sign in my book. And it doesn't really matter if you're an alcoholic of my kind or the next guys - you can learn a lot in AA. Anyone can. The whole point is to figure out how to live your life to the fullest of your potential - work through the dark past issues - learn to cope with life as it comes - be healthy etc. The drinking then isn't so necessary. It's just a symptom of a deeper problem such as the one you wrote about in your opening post.

So why not just keep going? It sure can't hurt you. Hanging out with a bunch of people trying to live a better life has never hurt anyone.

I wear my seat belt just in case. Some days when my silly alcoholic brain tells me I'm not an alcoholic, I just remember that I'll keep on with what I'm doing then just in case... just for today... and wouldn't ya know it - now I get to have a better life. Just like they promised I would if I kept coming back, got honest (like you are doing here already) and remained teachable.

Stick with the winners : )

Questionable, I wanted to respond to this thread cuz you seem like you are really at the crossroads. I see some elements of strong surrender and denial busting going on, but I also am reading some minimizing and ongoing denial too.

As far as the varsity team....I would place you on it. You drink every day and get suicidal when you don't. You sound like a typical alcoholic to me and your judgments and misconceptions about alcoholism has you making yourself sound different in your own mind when really you are the same as most/all of us. It might not be a horrible financial bottom, but the mental and spiritual bottom sounds just about as bad as it could get for you.

Also, I would like to point out that you have alcoholism whispering in your ear when you think that it "relieves you and numbs your worries." That is only BECAUSE your alcoholism CREATES the state of worry, depression, and regret in the first place. It has tricked you into thinking it is the cure for the very problems it causes you.

Lastly, I used to think my drinking only hurt me. While it is true that it hurt me worse than anyone else, it did hurt my family to watch me be a depressed, self-loathing, isolating, self-pitying person not living up to what they knew was my potential. How harmful is it to anyone in your family that you are so self-focused that you believe only your dogs need you or care and your own family doesn't? Anyone that has ever loved you or still does is negatively affected by your drinking. I couldn't identify with that at first, but I do now.

Hi Greg,

Welcome to the MIP group. Well, everyone has their tolerance for the pain that alcohol brings. Everyone has a different story, there will be people who got off the elevator sooner than  you, some later, but it's always going down.

We are taught to identify with others not compare.  Nor do we want to compare our insides with other peoples outsides. Based on the description of your "insides", I would say you might be on the staring varsity team.

Lack of consequences can sometimes only serve to increase the duration of the misery, but only you can decide. There is a solution if you decide you want it.

Pg 151 The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!

All this feedback has been very enlightening. Pinkchip pointed out that perhaps this darkness stems from the drinking and doesn't actually numb it like I think it does. Among all the amazing advice and support this one struck a cord. It is worth a try. Today I won't drink. Tomorrow will be dark. I'll let ya'll know how that goes. 

Greg

Thanks for the thread, let us know how it goes. Welcome aboard MIP!!

I didn't make it one day.

Ooh - I think you took that differently than what was intended Greg. Sometimes I forget how I didn't know that I didn't know...

So you didn't make it one day Greg... but you came back here! Very good! We would love to know what keeps you from being able to go to a live meeting because there are people here who are remote or have been, or might have experience like yours and have some really great ideas and suggestions for you!

I came here even when I was still drinking. I just kept coming back no matter if I stayed sober or not... and I was always always welcome back with open arms! You are too! It will get better... just keep coming back : )