Remembering to assert my boundaries

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Remembering to assert my boundaries

Chaya · Senior Member

So, I offered to help another AA tonight but I'm concerned she is already setting up a situation that would go above and beyond what I'm able to do. I want to help, but I'm struggling myself some days. I need to keep in mind that being of service does not mean being taken advantage of and that it is ok to say no. Her reaction is her own business, not mine. I want to help, but I must take care of myself and my family, too.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

smile Hey Chaya,

Thanks for working it out "out loud"...Good luck, WE always keep our recoveries up front smile

Picaposie · Senior Member

No is a valid answer and there is no Y in the word no. I had to look up the word boundaries in early sobriety...I had none. And boundaries are flexible. Practice saying no...we all had to and still have to. There are a lot of things that newbies ask of us that isn't right, but we are working with sick people. We need to be well ourselves. It's all just good practice! I don't remember how long Bill was sober when he started working with others, but he stayed sober by working with others. We are not there for their use, we are there for our own sobriety. If we try and they move on, oh well, but at least we stayed sober. Good luck, my friend!

-- Edited by Picaposie on Wednesday 2nd of January 2013 09:37:22 AM

yogiart · Member

My wife is struggling with the same thing. She has a service commitment where people in her service group ask her to do so much. She is also practicing to say "no" Or "sorry, but I will do this differently", or "this issue have to wait because I am busy right now.

Chaya, I think you've said a key point "her reaction is her's" also her expectations of you is her's.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I agree there Pappy. Everyone does move at different rates, and it seems slowly is the most common. That's the best way I think. Better to let yourself soak for a while in my opinion. However, I think it's good to move through the steps quickly like it states in the bb.

Chaya - you have all the right things to say, and you know exactly what you're suppose to be doing. I hear you, like Mike said above, coming here and basically thinking out loud all the things you know are the right things to say.

I hope you are opening up to your sponsor at least, and not doing this same thing there. I am sorry if this is forward or I'm out of line or wrong, but I see in you something that I did and that never did me a bit of good: hiding behind the right thing to say while wanting to scream yet inside.

I think it would be great for you to try and let your guard down a bit. Be okay with not having the right things to say. Practice just being vulnerable and talking more about how you're feeling than how you're 'suppose' to be feeling and getting through those feelings.

You're a newbie in a position that most of us aren't. You have your mother to focus on, you have a job that keeps you focused on being of help to others with addiction, you have an alcoholic ex and a young daughter. That's a lot of things to keep the focus off you. That's a lot of areas in life where you are probably having to 'say the right thing'. Wow. Let it out Chaya. Where are you in all of this? What are you feeling?

I think it's time to not have to say the right thing for you.

I hope this isn't out of line - and please just slap me if I'm totally wrong!

I care about you Chaya... I'm sure I'm not alone here : )

ChristineG · Senior Member

justadrunk wrote:
I agree there Pappy. Everyone does move at different rates, and it seems slowly is the most common. That's the best way I think. Better to let yourself soak for a while in my opinion. However, I think it's good to move through the steps quickly like it states in the bb.

Chaya - you have all the right things to say, and you know exactly what you're suppose to be doing. I hear you, like Mike said above, coming here and basically thinking out loud all the things you know are the right things to say.

I hope you are opening up to your sponsor at least, and not doing this same thing there. I am sorry if this is forward or I'm out of line or wrong, but I see in you something that I did and that never did me a bit of good: hiding behind the right thing to say while wanting to scream yet inside.

I think it would be great for you to try and let your guard down a bit. Be okay with not having the right things to say. Practice just being vulnerable and talking more about how you're feeling than how you're 'suppose' to be feeling and getting through those feelings.

You're a newbie in a position that most of us aren't. You have your mother to focus on, you have a job that keeps you focused on being of help to others with addiction, you have an alcoholic ex and a young daughter. That's a lot of things to keep the focus off you. That's a lot of areas in life where you are probably having to 'say the right thing'. Wow. Let it out Chaya. Where are you in all of this? What are you feeling?

I think it's time to not have to say the right thing for you.

I hope this isn't out of line - and please just slap me if I'm totally wrong!

I care about you Chaya... I'm sure I'm not alone here : )

I do all of that, too. Maybe it's a female thing.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I struggle with boundaries and saying "no" myself.

This has resulted in my having 1 skeezy stalker type in AA. It's not that they guy is evil, but he constantly oversteps bounds, yet I always forgive. I call him my "frenemy" cuz I do sorta care, but on the other hand, enough asking me for money and making unwanted sexual overtures. Blech.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

justadrunk wrote:
Chaya - you have all the right things to say, and you know exactly what you're suppose to be doing. I hear you, like Mike said above, coming here and basically thinking out loud all the things you know are the right things to say.

I hope you are opening up to your sponsor at least, and not doing this same thing there. I am sorry if this is forward or I'm out of line or wrong, but I see in you something that I did and that never did me a bit of good: hiding behind the right thing to say while wanting to scream yet inside.

I think it would be great for you to try and let your guard down a bit. Be okay with not having the right things to say. Practice just being vulnerable and talking more about how you're feeling than how you're 'suppose' to be feeling and getting through those feelings.

You're a newbie in a position that most of us aren't. You have your mother to focus on, you have a job that keeps you focused on being of help to others with addiction, you have an alcoholic ex and a young daughter. That's a lot of things to keep the focus off you. That's a lot of areas in life where you are probably having to 'say the right thing'. Wow. Let it out Chaya. Where are you in all of this? What are you feeling?

I think it's time to not have to say the right thing for you.

I hope this isn't out of line - and please just slap me if I'm totally wrong!

I care about you Chaya... I'm sure I'm not alone here : )

Oh Wow, ... 'Right on the money' Tasha ...

We must have some boundaries where others are concerned BUT we need to be very careful NOT to allow those boundaries to become barriers or walls ... Try to imagine it like this, the same defenses we build to protect ourselves can, and often do, become the same walls that isolate us ... so we must keep an open mind to just what our main purpose is ... if we start locking others out, we are locking ourselves in ...

The key here is to establish a 'relationship' ... communication that works both ways ... love and respect should be the main ingredients ...

Pappy

Chaya · Senior Member

Talked to my sponsor about it today. She reassured me that I was being realistic in my expectations of how much I can take on. In fact, she wants me to really be focusing on myself and was hesitant of me putting too much of my energy into another person's issue. As for the nicey nice only say the right things feedback--I totally hear you on that one. I'm trying to "stay in the solution" to combat that circus in my head. There are times when I write crazy ranting posts on here or emails to ppl on here and then I stop. I stop and erase them because I realize it is all about others instead of focusing on my stuff. I have a terrible habit of self talk that gets me to some depressing dark scary places. Sometimes saying the right thing to alter my thoughts is all I've got. Inside, last night, I was resentful that this girl with way more time than me was asking me to take on so much for her. I was disappointed because when I've seen her in meetings before I was enamored with her sobriety. I was mad at myself for offering help. I was in fear of telling her no to her large requests. I was in fear of hurting her feelings. Fear that bc she is so notable in our community that if I don't help others won't like me. I felt stupid and selfish like maybe I just tried to help her bc I wanted her to notice me. Seriously, I had all sorts of stuff up there in my head. But, focusing on that wasn't going to help me. I accepted that whatever happened was simply what happened and that I can use this as a learning experience. Well, that's it for now. I'm tired and it's time for bed. Thanks to everyone for the very thoughtful and useful feedback. I'm going to take into consideration that perhaps I'm being overly compliant and it's coming off as inauthentic. Something to think about.

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Chaya, that sounds like awesome progress to me.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Oh Chaya - you're just one smart cookie - that's my opinion : )

I have done those exact same things - writing in out - makes my mind slow down and also helps me alter and turn my thoughts in the right direction.

Nice Chaya!

Sometimes QUICKLy - sometimes slowly...