Hey Ron, ...

Those of us with families here went through some really tough early sober times with family ... One reason is because we went to great depths to destroy every ounce of trust they had in us ... and now we're changing and they are not sure what it is they should expect ... they experience a type of 'fear of the unknown' ... it takes a long time to regain the trust of those we hurt ... the best I can suggest is to keep working your program above all else ... and when the time is right, you'll be able to do for family without them having to fear your recovery is only temporary ...

Just keep in your mind that there's no problem you're going through right now that a drink or drug won't make worse ... Sobriety is my top priority at the start of each and every day ...

IDK if that's a option. She doesn't work and is in no condition to work she says. I can't afford to support two homes. I know drinking is not a option. She asked me last night what would happen if I relapsed. I told her a head full of AA and booze don't and if she thinks she is in he'll now she hasn't seen nothing yet.

Booze and AA don't mix I meant and that drinking again would be hell.

My sponser suggests to just let her go but not leave her. Hard to do when u are in the middle. He states just work on you and things will get better and it takes times. Says she identifies the abuser in me cause I'm closest to her. The funny thing is she has wanted and trying to get me sober for yrs now that I have things are worse not better.

TIME ... It takes time ... just try to bare with it ... Try to explain that you are 'a work in progress' ... that what she sees now is NOT the finished product ... that whatever abuse she thinks you're dishing out is one of the things that you're working on ... turn it around, tell her if she can't use patience with you, then she's free to leave ... unabused ... above all don't draw out any argument ...

I know that in my early sobriety my wife was upset with me. Upset that I would no longer be the whipping boy, who I was while practicing my alcoholism. A drunk is much easier to control than a sober person. I consider myself fortunate that we remained married and are thriving. We both needed to come to terms with my sobriety. We did this on our own. Keep your sobriety going no matter what. If she decides to be positive you can go through this miracle together. If she continues to be negative, only you can decide if life with her is better than life without her.
I'll pray for you and yours tonight.
Thanks for letting me be of service, if I have been.

It sounds like she was not and is not ready for an adult relationship as equals. Having you in a child-like state was less threatening. That is her issue though and not yours. It may or may not wind up leading to a separation. That will come to you via your HP later on. You continue to treat her with respect and kindness as much as you can. Don't take abuse from her though. Focus on your sobriety and give it more time.

It does sound like she is having a PTSD/paranoid sort of breakdown. I don't know what you insurance is, but it would not hurt to find the local mental health services provider and search therapy out (not marital but therapy for her). You can probably find a therapist that works on a grant or sliding scale there or at a women's service organization. It will really be up to her to do the follow up though. Otherwise she will say you are trying to "control" her into therapy.

Sounds like it's time for you and her to sit down and have a very long talk ... explain to her that sobriety is the number 1 priority in your life right now and that it would help if she supported you in that endeavor ... if she expects it to all be 'peaches and cream' then she needs to be told it's a rocky road for a while ... if she fears you for some reason, you need to know why and take action to quell that idea unless there's something to it ...

Ya'll need to talk it out ... discuss all the issues here ... it sounds like ya'll don't even know each other ... and don't start laying blame on each other for the way things are, just recognize where the snags are and come up with a plan to remove them ... and I suggest you keep your higher power in mind while doing this ...so as to have a 'long term' solution ...

I don't know, I think I might disagree with Pappy here. I don't know if she's ready for a long talk yet. I would wait on that one... I had to wait for my husband to hit a bottom. You will be able to tell when that happens pretty easily. You will remain calm, and they will increasingly act out, and finally just shut down in anger or sadness. Just like we have a bottom, they do as co-dependents too (I believe... but mostly just cuz it's been my experience). Just like how it was important for me to hit a sufficient bottom, it was equally as important for my husband to. And for me to try and fix him, would have just prolonged it from happening. Instead, I just remained quiet. I gave him space. I did not react when he flew off the handle. I did however calmly say it was not okay with me and okay that our children saw certain things in him. That I would protect them and myself if I had to. I did this in a very calm and loving way as to continue working my program, and remain in a state of fighting no one or anything.

The bottom he hit was very intense for him and he did shut down completely for a few days - to which I was patient and left him alone, offering hugs and let him know that my ear was available if he was in need or wanted to use it.

When he finally did break down and open up to me about how he was feeling - I think after I mentioned a few days prior - by the grace of my HP these words struck him: "When you bury your feelings, you bury them alive".

Finally we did have that long talk.

A month or so later he tried alanon. He has been doing morning readings, and going to some meetings now for a couple months. He's getting increasingly more involved, and healthy. Our relationship is new and wonderful, and full of hope and love. There is a future for us now, and I'm looking forward to it thanks to our program - one we both work on individually, but now can talk to about - and even joke about - together.

It's funny now, because we'll kid each other with program lingo - and we can both laugh and still be better at the same time. It's amazing. It's possible for you, but also I hear not likely. We don't recover at the same rate, and it's been up and down and discouraging more than not, but patience, love, kindness and persistence in working your own program can inspire others around you to want to work one too. So I will pray for you. My husband told me last night that at his first meeting, when it came to his turn, that he said "I see the enlightenment in my wife, and I'm here to see if I can find that too." I was overjoyed for our HP's work here.

Please keep posting and keep coming back : )