Aloha Ghost...that sounds like a good tantrum in the making. What I learned in early recovery was to plan my tantrums. You are invited to practice....Pick a time and a place for the tantrum...make sure that it will not be physically harmful to yourself and others; a back yard or open park area or similar. Stand in one place and then start jumping up and down waving your arms and hands all around and over your head and pumping your fists in the air. Hop up and down and around and use your most colorful french at the top of your voice or just scream, scream, scream include this in the movement parts. You are not allowed to look around to see if anyone is looking at you...this is your rant and trantrum. Do this for 30 seconds at full energy and then quit. Straighten out your clothes and your hair...oh wait if that avatar is you; you won't need to make nice with your hair and put a smile on your face. Say nicely and firmly..."There I got myself good that time" and then go on with your day or to a meeting or whatever. Just don't go on to the bottle.
Notice that no one here is falling for your belief...and yes we love you unconditionally.
Now go practice before you won't feel like it.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
By the way I never make suggestions I don't have experience with...Later on we'll work on the Tantrum In A Busy Shopping Mall Part 1.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 30th of December 2012 09:50:27 PM
Yep. You fail to realize you are among a group of folks that have all caused tremendous pain to others and we have come to terms. You have not done anything any worse than any of the rest of us. You are exactly where you belong. I hated myself so badly when I came into AA I wanted to punch myself in the mirror.
Of all the folks that come here and start posting, you are pretty honest and I would actually put you in a better position because you sound like you are pretty much hitting bottom and at that point where there will be nothing left but AA to fill up on. I got there and I think you are ready.
This works better if you start from a point of being desperate, empty, and disgusted with yourself. Nobody comes into AA thinking they are great and deserve awards.
You belong for sure. Keep coming back.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
WE will love you until you learn to love yourself..It is agreed,some are sicker than others ,but there is HOPE and help for us all. I sometimes allow myself 5-10 minutes after I had a setback to beat myself up (analyze what happened) and then I can move forward trying to incorporate a learning lesson if one was to be found (not only in active addiction ,but in all Life on Life's terms situations). Its not how hard we fall,its how willing we are to get back up....The lights always on here..Start this New Year in sobriety ,it will be an easy anniversary date to remember :)
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I dont belong here. I just cause to much pain to too many people.
That is exactly what I used to say to myself when I looked into the mirror the morning after ... I hardly resembled the person I once was ... I'd look in the mirror and call myself horrible names ... sometimes I was so disgusted with me I'd even spit at the mirror ... great life, huh??? ...
There is a way out of the giant trap we've built ... go to meetings and shut up and listen ... when you're sober long enough to begin to understand you're staring at the solution to your problems, then ask for a sponsor to guide you ... then do what the h*ll he suggests ... or don't, and die a miserable death, your choice ... you're not going through anything that the rest of us here haven't already been through ... and we have some pretty sick puppys here and we haven't had a drink in a while ... you can do it if we did ... time to decide ... time to take action ... nothin' changes if nothin' changes ... trust me ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You've been sober in the rooms for awhile so you just need to drag the tools back out.
1. Do you believe you are powerless over alcohol and your live is unmanagable?
if so,
2. Do you believe a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity?
You better, otherwise your higher power is a powerless alcoholic.
You are now on step 3, where your problem can start to be solved.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Read pages 60-64 a number of times. If we F###ing hate "self" the answer is to have God relieve us of the bondage of self. The past is the past, you are going to be alright if you can do the above. God has a reason and a purpose for you to be here on earth, our experiences will give us strength to help another drunk someday.
Get out of self and into God's will. When the thought of your situation comes back into your head, ask God to remove it. It works.
Reach out and help another person however possible, this forum is a good place to start. If we keep hanging out in "self" and all the crap, nothing good will happen.
Hope this can help,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Ghostman, be careful that energy that you're wasting, condemning yourslef, is likely your disease backing you into a corner that you'll have to drink your way out of. Nothing that you could have done is new or unique, hence there's not pitty required. Get busy going to meetings and don't drink on day at a time.
Ghostman, we're here reading and commenting on your post. You belong here and you are accepted here. Nothing you have done can keep you out of here. If you are sober today, go to a meeting maybe a few, you will slowly and surely get back to your positive senses. None of us started out thinking we'd be here......this is where our disease led us!! Come back, share and I hope to see you comment on our posts to you......I'll pray for you and yours and me and mine tonight!!
That is exactly what I used to say to myself when I looked into the mirror the morning after ... I hardly resembled the person I once was ... I'd look in the mirror and call myself horrible names ... sometimes I was so disgusted with me I'd even spit at the mirror ... great life, huh??? ...
There is a way out of the giant trap we've built ... go to meetings and shut up and listen ... when you're sober long enough to begin to understand you're staring at the solution to your problems, then ask for a sponsor to guide you ... then do what the h*ll he suggests ... or don't, and die a miserable death, your choice ... you're not going through anything that the rest of us here haven't already been through ... and we have some pretty sick puppys here and we haven't had a drink in a while ... you can do it if we did ... time to decide ... time to take action ... nothin' changes if nothin' changes ... trust me ...
Pappy pretty much said it all. When I came in to the rooms I felt I didn't deserve a better life because I knew me and what I had done to so many other people better then anyone else. Finally I had to decide what kind of person I wanted to be then I knew what I had to do. I wanted what others in meetings had and in order to get it I had to do what they did. Even though, at that time I didn't like where I was I knew it was a hell of a lot better then where I came from. So I went to work got a sponsor worked the steps and enjoyed where I was on the way to where I wanted to be. Like papy said this isn't a trap do what you want make the choice. Every morning each and every one of us has to make a decision to get drunk or do what we did yersterday in order to stay sober and have a life of serenity. What I did yesterday won't keep me sober today.
-- Edited by Bob K on Monday 31st of December 2012 11:43:17 AM
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
If you are thinking of doing something harmful to yourself, call 911. Seriously, perhaps hospitalization is the best measure for you at this point. Your safety is a priority!
After a long period of drinking and blaming PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS I found stuck to my bathroom mirror "YOUR LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM". It took awhile to come to terms with that and start to look at myself. I had to stop drinking first.
Ghostman, I have thought long and hard about how to respond to this post. I am quite certain that my first response would not have been the right one. I call these verses the resentment promises. The Big Book contains well over a hundred promises aside from the ninth step promises which we often hear at meetings. The resentment promises (i.e. promises for those who practice resentment) are found on page 66 of Alcoholics Anonymous and these promises are certainly yours if you choose to stay the course that this post seems to indicate.
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience,this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."
I strongly recommend looking up these words: resentment, futility, permit, squander, insanity, grave, and fatal. Heck look up any word that stands out to you in this paragraph. It does not say a life that is based on or is filled with but a life which merely includes deep resentment leads to futility and unhappiness. And I would suggest that this includes any resentment we harbor against ourselves.
Just don't pick up, Ghost. Don't pick up the first one. That is all you need to begin to unravel the insanity that your life has become. You have a sponsor. Use him. You know where your local meetings are. Go to them and listen. Use the steps. They will absolutely change your life. You may not be able to see the other side of your misery right now and, if you choose to remain as you are, you are not likely to ever see it. I keep hearing that things do not change...we do...and I promise...the steps will change YOU.
Ghost, I believe that the God of my understanding has so much more to offer you than the lies you are choosing to believe and accept as reality right now...so much more. Please give yourself a chance, give yourself a break, and stick around. It gets better. It doesn't always get easier but it always gets better. And that skin you are living in? Well, that gets a lot more comfortable.
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"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
Ahhh! Dear Ghost....Do you rilly rilly mean it? If THAT is the feeling you need, to be willing to go ANY lengths for sobriety...then you can thank your god for that feeling! It is a gift! You might try asking that Angel on your shoulder, to help you get INSIDE of A.A.! I KNOW you have a really true live Angel, because you are doing what most drunks NEVER do....that is admit to a bunch of us meddling (lol) drunks what is really happening! NOW, if it is trully a cry for help ( and not just attention ), then you just might be ready to leap into A.A.! The water is fine! The water is wonderful! The water is better than anything I had while drinking! Thank you for keeping me sober today! Angels bless you, surround you and carry you!
Ahhh! Dear Ghost....Do you rilly rilly mean it? If THAT is the feeling you need, to be willing to go ANY lengths for sobriety...then you can thank your god for that feeling! It is a gift! You might try asking that Angel on your shoulder, to help you get INSIDE of A.A.! I KNOW you have a really true live Angel, because you are doing what most drunks NEVER do....that is admit to a bunch of us meddling (lol) drunks what is really happening! NOW, if it is trully a cry for help ( and not just attention ), then you just might be ready to leap into A.A.! The water is fine! The water is wonderful! The water is better than anything I had while drinking! Thank you for keeping me sober today! Angels bless you, surround you and carry you!