dating! Dating is a huge handicap of mine and it has been even before i started drinking. I was a shy guy (still am) when it comes to talking to women. actually no thats a lie. TALKING to them i have improved upon. the whole ASKING OUT thing is still an issue. alcohol would of course make me relaxed enough to build up the courage to ask out BUT it would come out in a very sloppy form and be an epic fail. i of course isolated myself into habitual drinking and am now a year and 3 months sober. still, im back to the drawing board on the whole dating thing. any thoughts on this? am i the only one who thought alcohol would improve my dating life?
The only comment I can make is that I haven't 'dated' since I got married in 1973 ... so I'm out-dated on that issue ... BUT yes to your question of if I thought alcohol would improve my dating life ... ya see, alcohol is called 'courage in a bottle' for a reason ... it helps us 'let our hair down' so to speak, and do things the real us wouldn't dream of doing ... that's why there's a lot of relationship problems in today's society ... a lot of couples get together over alcohol to aid them in feeling comfortable and have fun, then they sober up and the person you thought you were getting close to isn't the person you find when sober ... them or you ...
We become different people when we drink, and that is a fact ... and if we continue to drink for a very long time, we become very dark and disgusting persons and usually die alone ... If you haven't discovered this in your drinking history, I pray you never have to go through it ... so my advice is to keep working your program and steer clear of girls that drink heavy or even just moderately ... you need a strong 'spiritual program' here in AA to be able to handle the 'roller coaster ride' of a new relationship ... just say'n, be on your toes ... relapse ain't pretty!!!
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome:) yup, I totally get it. I couldn't deal with a guy unless there were drinks involved. I managed to be in a 10 year relationship with a guy I lived with where this held true.. Not sure how I managed that haha. I think it wise advice that was given me to not even think about dating when first becoming sober. Honestly, its the last thing on my mind. I will admit that I've developed a bit of a crush on a guy I see often at meetings, and I cannot imagine hanging out with a guy without drinking.. Even at 7 months...even with a guy i know from AA!! So, obviously it's not time for me to get involved with anyone. Just my take on it:)
This whole program has been about stepping out my comfort zone. I suppose just like anything, you just have to do it - no expectations - and it should get easier over time as you learn to handle the yes and no's that will come. It's hard for me to remember that there are two answers to my questions - yes OR no : ) I can get prepared for either by remembering that my HP thinks I'm 'awesome' no matter what - and that there is a plan for me. If someone says no - it just wasn't in the plan: Oh well!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks for the thread DJ and the group for the ESH. I also was a loaner...mostly an isolator drinker given my own druthers. I was self conscious and had low self esteem and within that box I use to spend alot of time telling lies and talking about myself as someone I wasn't. I was fearful and clumbsy with an overdrive libido...make sense? Didn't make sense to me until I got into recovery and started to tackle the inventory steps. When I began to learn about myself I also began to learn and ask for the direction necessary to put me on the right track with myself and others including that other group of people called women. I built a value system on how to treat myself and others and began walking it or else all of my relationships would continue to go sideways. Learning how to respect others especially women for what they were and who they were and to love them unconditionally (that doesn't include sexing them) became very important to me and I found was very important and indearing to them also. Asking a woman to "hang out" with me for dinner or a movie or game or whatever wasn't a commitment other than to be on my very best casual behavior and reminder not to disrespect myself also. I learned I wasn't expected to lead the date and only to enjoy the time with someone else who was as important as myself. Self confidence..."getting rid of the fear" was the big lesson. Body language is the largest form of communication so I had to walk the talk...If I was jittery...I told on myself and might ask for help with keeping composure. Yes they love to be asked. Build the solution DJ and have fun.
Hi DJ, At 18 months I told God I was ready for a relationship...my ex called and asked me to come back...I said, you're right God, I'm not ready! I had a hard time with dating too. I used to go to AA dances and I would stand there wondering why nobody came up to me and asked me to dance. I still had to have a couple cups of coffee to be brave...and one day I realized that they were probably standing there asking themselves that same question...and the answer was...we're all too busy thinking about ourselves instead of being brave. I got brave. Read chapter 11 in the 12x12...it lays out a good plan for relationships. Good luck to you and welcome to the board!
