I don't know where to begin. I was sober for about 6 years and met a woman about a year ago that I fell in love with. She was the woman of my dreams. We got married about 2 months ago and things were going fine until right before Thanksgiving. I found something out that caused a big fight between us and she said something particularly mean to me. It was like a switch flipped in my brain and I went out and bought 2 pints of vodka and got wasted. I came home and said some really nasty things to her and she left because of it.
I didn't see her for a week as she was staying at her sisters. I spent my time binge drinking and missing her and calling and texting her to no avail. Well one Friday night 2 cops came to serve me with a injunction. I was drunk out of my skull after drinking almost a quart of vodka and really didn't know exactly what was going on except that they wanted me to leave. I remember calling somebody to come pick me up but that was about all I could do I could barely sit up in bed. I don't even remember what they were telling me. I was basically in a blackout.
The police report says I ignored their orders to leave the house so they could give me a ride to a store to wait for my friend. All of that I remember was that I couldn't sit up and had the spins and laying back down in my bed. Well I woke up the next morning in jail. The report said I was arrested for breaking an injunction by failing to leave immediately when they told me to and resisting arrest without violence. That second charge was added on for the same reason.
Anyway I bailed out of jail and had to go to court for the injunction hearing 2 days later. While she testified that there was no physical violence she said I threatened her. The injunction was granted by the judge. It meant no contact. Well the very next day I get drunk and leave her a 30 second voice mail telling her I loved her and would miss her. The next morning after that the cops were at the door where I am staying and arrested me again for breaking the injunction. I bailed out of jail again 2 days later.
On Dec 13th, knowing that I screwed the pooch and lost my wife and had significant legal problems that I had to face I went out and bought 3 pints of Rum and drank them and then took about 90 Robaxin pills to try to kill myself. The person that I am staying with found me and called 911. I was taken to the hospital and stabilized and then sent to a facility for 2 days so I could be mentally evaluated. They didn't really evaluate me as we just had group talk and colored pictures for Christmas. I was then let back out in only 2 days.
I have been out since Sunday Dec 16th and have not been drinking and actually made it to work a few times since then.
So after 6 years of sobriety I lost everything and life as I know it is over because I drank again. I have no one to blame but myself but I am devastated and my future is bleak.
I work as a security guard so I'm sure as soon as the information comes out about the 2 arrests for violating the injunction I will lose my job. I cannot stay with my friend forever as she has problems of her own and she is starting to take a liking to me in more than a friendly way. I do not need those complications. So homelessness is also a bleak possibility.
I have heard through several sources that there is no way that my wife will ever consider reconciling with me and her whole family hates me now. I wouldn't expect her to take me back as I said some pretty vile things to her when I was drunk.
I just don't know where to go from here and I am scared. Today was the most miserable Christmas that I ever had. All I could think about was everyone around the tree except for me. Thank God I had to work or else I think I would have drank again.
I have been going to meetings and have a sponsor but the depression and rejection that I feel is profound. I destroyed everything.
-- Edited by ghostman1960 on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 11:03:32 PM
-- Edited by ghostman1960 on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 11:05:31 PM
-- Edited by ghostman1960 on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 11:06:56 PM
First of all, I like to welcome you to M.I.P. It's a great resource for recovery, so I suggest you dive right in. The second thing I like to say is you're not alone. All of us, at one time or another, have teetered on the edge of uncertainty whether we realize or not. So don't beat yourself up over this, okay. You're back and that's what matters most of all. The Part about screwing the pooch is also a bit premature if you ask me. Yes, you did relapse -that's obvious, but it may not be all that bad. The legal problems can work themselves out, but sobriety is something we need to work on every day.
You do have the opportunity to make this right, ghostman, but it must start with the first step. When you get to the point where drinking no longer becomes an option, you're headed again in the right direction. Then, you can make other needed adjustments from there. But we need to get the first step in its entirety; only then can we move forward without regret.
I can't begin to tell you how many times I actually relapsed. It became like a ritual for me; after so and so time I would go out again and get drunk, just like that. And why you may ask? It's all I knew. Every time I came across an adverse situation, I would get drunk again out of regret. I had no 'real' coping skills to balance out all that adversity, so I got drunk instead. It was my way of saying 'forget this' and run. That was until my first 'real' sponsor came into the picture. Now I don't get those impulses anymore like I once did. I can face the storms of life today without those same regrets, and so can you.
If relapses have taught me anything, besides using some much needed discretion, it would be about choices. I had to put sobriety first in my life before I could accomplish anything worthwhile. We can't make those same mistakes again like we once did, but as you already know that's easier said than done. So start with what you do know and then make that sobriety commitment happen, like you once did. It's the first step towards achieving what we call lasting sobriety.
You could have become one of those unfortunate souls who never take sobriety seriously, or worse -a mistake that would never prove worthy if you ask me. No, you made a decision instead that I believe saved your life; a decision to become sober once again -so be proud of that. I would take this one step further, though, just in case you get that desire again like before. The actions, from some of my dear friends, made one thing clear to me: The only way I can maintain a quality of life was by giving sobriety my all. I could either make sobriety a long term commitment or just wait around for the next shoe to drop, my choice. I had one final chance to make this right and so do you. So get involved early and tell people exactly what happened and why. That, I do believe, is the key that can unlock your future. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 26th of December 2012 01:30:09 AM
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." Alcoholics Anonymous p 24
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." Alcoholics Anonymous p 43
I feel that the key word in the first paragraph that I quoted is the word "in." As soon as we are in drink, as soon as we put that first drink in our bodies, all that follows is a crap shoot. We don't know what choices we will make, what harm we will cause, or even where we will wake up the next day...if we are fortunate enough to wake up. One would think that in the face of such incredulous behavior, one would choose not to drink at all but this is rarely an easy choice for the alcoholic.
I don't know how involved you were in AA before. I do know that at some point your recovery was no longer your first priority or you would not have picked up that first drink. It is so easy to forget the gratitude we have for the gifts of sobriety when we get wrapped up in the tasks of living and allow worldly clamors to slowly but surely blot out the voice of the Spirit. I know this because relapsed after four and a half years of sobriety and my life went to hell in a handbasket as a result. I lost my home, one of my children, a wonderful job, and the greater portion of my self respect. I picked up two felonies, went through homelessness, went through pregnancy while homeless, lost my relationships with the people who mattered most to me but most importantly, lost my connection with God. He didn't let go of me but I was very quick to let go of Him.
At present, I have 349 days sober. Relationships have been restored, I am gainfully employed, and I have no criminal record. 350 days ago, I could not have imagined any of the possibilities. My life was in turmoil, my spirit was anguished, I wished only for oblivion or death. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Only an act of God could have placed me in a residential rehab instead of at the business end of a six shooter. I know I could not have chosen life on my own so it had to be God. There was nothing in my life worth living for.
From your post, I am going to venture a guess that you know precisely how I felt. I cannot say if you will keep your job or get your wife back but I promise you this: If you will take the suggestions of your sponsor and honestly work the program to the very best of your ability, you will get your life back. And while I cannot claim to know what that will look like, I can guarantee that it will be better than anything you expect because likely, you will expect less and simply live more. You will know serenity. You will know peace.
My prayer for you is that you will go to bed without taking a drink and that you will find a meeting first thing in the morning. And that you keep reaching out. YOU CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. Don't "keep coming back." Just stay.
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"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
I don't know how involved you were in AA before. I do know that at some point your recovery was no longer your first priority or you would not have picked up that first drink. It is so easy to forget the gratitude we have for the gifts of sobriety when we get wrapped up in the tasks of living and allow worldly clamors to slowly but surely blot out the voice of the Spirit. I know this because relapsed after four and a half years of sobriety and my life went to hell in a handbasket as a result. I lost my home, one of my children, a wonderful job, and the greater portion of my self respect. I picked up two felonies, went through homelessness, went through pregnancy while homeless, lost my relationships with the people who mattered most to me but most importantly, lost my connection with God. He didn't let go of me but I was very quick to let go of Him.
Same here, ... I don't know how involved you were with your program ... All I can say is if I don't practice the principles of AA on a daily basis, I put myself in jepardy of losing contact with my 'higher power' whom I chose to call God ... and without His/Her help and the fellowship of AA, I'd be doomed ...
My suggestion ? ... ... ... go to 90 meetings in 90 days and recommit yourself to recovery ... you're still alive for a REASON ... don't throw that away ...
By the way, Welcome to MIP, we're glad to have you ...
Take Care and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I was just thinking of your post before saying my prayers and retiring to bed and I wanted to add something ...
What you are going through right now is but a moment in time ... a moment for you to reflect on just where 'your thinking' got you ... if you desire to change, you must try to change the way you think and what it is that's important to you ... after all, we are what we think ... and if we don't like who we are, we must change the way we think ...
I, and most of those here on MIP, have been to Hell ... we didn't really care for the trip ... we decided there was a better life out there if we changed ... and indeed there was ... we decided there was more to life than the pain and agony that seemed to follow us around constantly ... once we accepted the reason for our situation, we decided to take action by working the steps of AA and to live the set of principle laid out for us ...
You have a choice, and no one but you can make the decision ... you can either go our way of life or continue going your way of life ... you decide ... we'll be here to help guide you if you choose our way ...
Love man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The thing that stood out for me when reading your post was the part about your wife never coming back to you again. I'm sure it is just devastating to you as is relapse. I tend to make those fortune telling comments, too, which perpetuate depression and destructive behaviors. Now, maybe you are right and she won't, BUT the priority now is your sobriety and getting into recovery. Everything else will follow according to G-d's will. I'm so glad you are here.
Hello Jim, and welcome to the board. Tasha pointed out that you were sober today, and for a few days, that's a good start. A failed marriage isn't the end of the world by any measure. Most of us have that on our score card. You didn't explain what you found out (presumably about her) but there must be some issues on her side of the fence. It takes two to tango. If the woman really cared about you, she wouldn't have given up. I wouldn't project about your job, chances are they won't find out. I'd stay put until you find another place to live. Why make it harder on yourself. Get to meetings every day and work with your sponsor, you'll feel better soon. Do a gratitude list. Concentrate on eating and sleeping well, get some exercise. Quit beating yourself up.
Don't catastrophize too much. If you lose your job, you will find another. It doesn't sound like you "lost everything." It sounds like you probably lost your marriage. I'm not sure why she has 100 percent control over the house in such a way that it would leave you homeless.
I do think you described the crux of the problem in 1 simple distorted thought "I lost everything." You lost her and because you made her your everything, that resulted in losing more stuff including your sobriety. Another person cannot be your higher power. Your wife is not and was not "everything." If you believe that, you really did make her into your higher power.
A good start in going back to meetings will be to get your vision of a higher power back to something that can't leave your or abandon you and keep it that way. You have not lost your true HP...in fact, this might be a gift because now you can have a real Higher Power instead of having your wife overshadow what HP you originally had that got your sober.
P.S. - I am not judging you. Losing love/divorce is pretty catastrophic and I don't know if I would hold it together either. It does sound like you hit your bottom already with this go round and are headed back up though.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Don't catastrophize too much. If you lose your job, you will find another. It doesn't sound like you "lost everything." It sounds like you probably lost your marriage. I'm not sure why she has 100 percent control over the house in such a way that it would leave you homeless.
I do think you described the crux of the problem in 1 simple distorted thought "I lost everything." You lost her and because you made her your everything, that resulted in losing more stuff including your sobriety. Another person cannot be your higher power. Your wife is not and was not "everything." If you believe that, you really did make her into your higher power.
A good start in going back to meetings will be to get your vision of a higher power back to something that can't leave your or abandon you and keep it that way. You have not lost your true HP...in fact, this might be a gift because now you can have a real Higher Power instead of having your wife overshadow what HP you originally had that got your sober.
P.S. - I am not judging you. Losing love/divorce is pretty catastrophic and I don't know if I would hold it together either. It does sound like you hit your bottom already with this go round and are headed back up though.
The reason she has control of the house is because she got a domestic violence injunction against me. While there was no actual violence she testified that I threatened her and that was enough for the judge to grant her the injunction. Now I may not contact her or go back to the house until the injunction is lifted by a judge. I wish I could remember everything I said that night.
That make sense Ghostman...I know when I started my sobriety it was fresh off a break up. I had to live with a friends for 1 month to save up to be able to afford the first set of bills in my own place. If you set a time limit like that with this person you are staying with, that might help you gain some direction. Look in the paper and find a "room to share" situation with as much privacy as you can. One possible alternative. You will be regrouping, in your own spot, and moving fowards shortly. It's not the end of the world. We care...You always are at home here in AA. You are going to be okay whatever happens.
I can't guarantee what will happen with your job, but i do know some folks that work as security guards instead of police BECAUSE of their criminal records...so...
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Coming here to vent and seek help is a good start. Someone recently said to me 'when you feel you've hot bottom, the only place to go is up'.. I feel as though that's true. Although its difficult to see things that way, you do have the resources to remain sober- you've done it before. Drinking isn't going to improve or help the situation, as you know. When I feel the panic of wanting to drink, I try to make it very simple by thinking "at this moment I am ok".. Literally moment by moment. It helps to calm me and focus on options, and realize I'm not stuck- there are actions I can take to get through the situation. Sometimes that action is to simply not drink again. I dunno, keeping it VERY simple has helped me through some situations I thought would sink me. Meetings, meetings and more meetings.. And staying in touch here help to keep my head on straight. Hope that helps:)
Welcome back,Relapse does happen,it is part of many peoples stories. I have always heard very loudly that relapse is not the shame(although never good)not making it back is..You have the tools,today is a new day and Just For Today you dont have to use alcohol(or any mind altering ,mood changing substance)take a look at what you are going to do different this time.Totally in support and prayer.Stick around let us know how your doing okay!!Thanks for the help this morning...............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I keep going from profound sadness, to anger to bitterness to grieving over and over again since all of this happened. I need to break this cycle if I am going to make any progress.
I know.. I very recently found myself in a situation that I thought catastrophic. I go from 'it's all going to work out eventually' to 'omg wtf is going to happen??' pretty quickly. It's difficult to work through those moments. For me? Really staying in close contact with my HP and staying connected to AA has helped me tremendously. I'm newly sober, and losing my job with very little financial resources is certainly the first big challenge ( involving external circumstances) that I've faced. I feel as though it's a real 'make it or break it' situation.. I have to see what I'm made of yknow? Or what I'm willing to do to be sober.. Dunno if I worded that correctly haha. I've realized that sobriety has to take priority and be the center of my focus. I'm so grateful for meetings and the people who will support us. I thought I was the biggest piece of crap around, until I reached out and others told me they'd been in similar circumstances and made it through. Sometimes that's all you need to hear.
Get off that 'emotional train ' at the next town ... take a break, get on your knees and have a talk with your 'higher power' ... offer yourself to Him/Her for Him to do with you today as He sees fit ... then this situation is given over to a power that can actually do something about your situation ... you need not carry this line of thinking with you throughout the day ... turn it over and don't rent space in your head for the depressing thoughts ... your choice ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Get off that 'emotional train ' at the next town ... take a break, get on your knees and have a talk with your 'higher power' ... offer yourself to Him/Her for Him to do with you today as He sees fit ... then this situation is given over to a power that can actually do something about your situation ... you need not carry this line of thinking with you throughout the day ... turn it over and don't rent space in your head for the depressing thoughts ... your choice ...
You are correct Pappy. I need to stop with all of these emotions. I have been praying like mad.
