And I've skipped another in law holiday gathering.
Oh well. This is where I'm at. I tried to get farther faster than I was ready to. Time pushes back and says - nope - you must allow me to be what I am. So I will give it more time, and more consideration, and maybe try handing it over to a power greater than me instead of twirling it around like a yoyo - seeing if I can trick out a way to be something I'm not.
Dean taught me a valuable lesson a few days ago when I was whining about some sponsor stuff to him: He didn't respond.
He didn't allow me to be pathetic, whiny and selfish - he knew it wouldn't feel good to me either. He displayed a type of boundary to me that only now I could grasp - even though he's probably done it many times before. I didn't get it until now - I guess I wasn't meant to. My HP operates kind of like this. I get no where with my HP when I'm blobbling around for undue attention either. He doesn't seem to baby me or cuddle me through it. He doesn't seem to offer much of anything but a little more time to get it right... boy... I'm very grateful for that.
It takes as long as it takes. Time just takes it's time. It's a powerhouse that we can not control or budge no matter how hard we try. It teaches a very valuable lesson in boundaries for me as well.
The most awesome display of love, and my gift for today, has been the knowing of love through boundaries... something that today, is like a hug from across the sea. It can carry love with it anywhere. Just as the love from our HP can come from anywhere - and now that I finally know it - I can give it away by simply not allowing people to be pitiful. Big revelation for me today... and such a gift.
This came in handy today, just in time, as a sponsee came into my life grasping for this exact same treatment. Good thing I got to learn it just in time... gee... everything does seem to happen like that now doesn't it?
As an ex athiest - I will appreciate this little spiritual Christmas gift, and take care of it as best I can.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Yah, obviously you internally feel such a gathering is a threat to your sobriety and your program right now. Better safe than sorry. Maybe you are guarding against what you feel might be a set of fresh new resentments. I do guarantee that in time, if you keep working your program, you will eventually not give 2 craps what they think of you and you will go to a future family gathering figuring they will love to see you and be around you and if not, there is something wrong with them. You are right that it will take time though. In thinking back, it did take me longer than 8 months sober to feel that different about myself. I still pulled the pity card VERY frequently at that point and it's okay to just be where you are at Tasha....you have made a ton of progress. The healing you are doing with yourself and immediate family (husband and kids) takes precedent over extended family right now.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"It"...my life and will must always be turned over regardless of my gut. Place me where you want me and tell me what to do is the simple version of the 3rd step for me. I have choices always...some simple and some not and some I just do regardless because I can, I'm old enough and sober enough and I know what outcomes I want. Was just speaking with a female local member of our world wide fellowship and we agreed that no matter where we are at and when we carry it with us and maybe give it away when were there. Making sober choices is what it is about today. ((((hugs))))
You'll make that commitment happen, Tasha, but only when your good and ready. So for now, give time, time and recovery that much more. The rest is still a work in progress. Happy Holidays...
Thanks guys. Mark - what kills me most inside is that it isn't a threat to my sobriety. I'm NOT going to drink over anything that would happen. So I really don't have any excuse other than I'm chicken shit.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks guys. Mark - what kills me most inside is that it isn't a threat to my sobriety. I'm NOT going to drink over anything that would happen. So I really don't have any excuse other than I'm chicken shit.
Hey Tasha,
But the big picture is that it would have affected the big picture. Keep it simple.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Tasha, don't sweat this, it's chicken poop, in the larger scheme. It may be awhile before you sort your feelings out about this. You may find that you mistook the desire to not be in a place that you thought you were'nt truly welcome, with fear. Happens to me all the time . Let it go. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt that, deep down, you knew what was best for you, even though you needed to be a little selfish to take care of yourself, that's just the way it is sometimes, and growth is learning how not to feel guilty when deciding to go with your gut and do what you need to do. You can send a card later excusing yourself for personal reasons, that let's them out of taking it personally. Put this behind you and don't waste anymore emotional energy on it.
Yes, I'm doing great and thank you for asking : ) Merry Christmas TG!
Today, my kids were asked to pick up their toys, put the wrapping in the garbage, and then eat some food before delving into the discoveries calling their names. They didn't buck, they didn't make excuses, they didn't pout or anything... all they said was "ok" and it was the best ever!!! I'm trying to learn from them. ; )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
. Let it go. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt that, deep down, you knew what was best for you, even though you needed to be a little selfish to take care of yourself, that's just the way it is sometimes, and growth is learning how not to feel guilty when deciding to go with your gut and do what you need to do. You can send a card later excusing yourself for personal reasons, that let's them out of taking it personally. Put this behind you and don't waste anymore emotional energy on it. 