Ok.. I got fired days before Christmas.. It sucks. Ok, my usual m.o. Is to play victim, manipulate peoples sympathies, toy with their emotions and lie my way out of it. I could probably manipulate my way back into my job. I could tell my coworkers that our boss is a jerk who wronged me. I could portray myself as an angel of perfection and how could they do this to me?? After all I've done?!? Ha.. That's easy for me. Its what I DO. I'm pretty damn good at it, actually. What is not easy is to say " I f**ked up, I got caught." and look for other options. I'm not going to fight for my job, or attempt to defend myself. Im going to behave as though I am a sober WOMAN of grace and dignity (which my sponser keeps telling me that I am, I wonder if I've fooled her, too lol). I'm gonna be a grown up. I'm gonna work the heck outta this program. I'm gonna pray that I never make the same mistakes again. I'm not going to use the same tactics of deceit that Ive used most of my life. I want to drink when I do this, because I realize that I hide behind my perfect angel facade, then drink to oblivion because I know what a piece of crap I really am. I'm not doing it anymore. If it takes me getting fired and being dead broke to shed these defects of character, then I guess that's just how it's gonna be. Im tired of hiding behind my mask. I'm done I can't do it anymore. This may turn out to be the best f ing thing that's happened to me. I finally have no place to hide and have to face myself and some unpleasant consequences. And now I'm gonna go finish the 4th step that I've dragged out for way too long:) man, when people told me being sober was the hardest but best thing they've done I didn't really get it. I think I'm starting to get it.
Dang Colleen, I'm happy and sad for you at the same time. Happy because this all sounds like you are exactly where you need to be in your recovery....but sad because I identify with it and know how hard it was. We are here for you. Keep walking through this and you will reach the other side with your head held up high.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Ditto what PC shared ... ... ... Some day, some how, we all need to grow up and face the music ... I waited til I was 55 y/o and it sucked the big 'you know what' ... but I have never regretted getting and staying sober ... that's when life actually began for me ... hope and pray it does the same for you ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Tasha, but I just don't think I can do this. I'm not going to take anymore of anyone's time or kindness. I'm done
Colleen, ...
You haven't taken (robbed us of anything) a thing from us, you've only shared your life with us so we, too, could get better ... and for that, I am grateful ... your last message is very, very disturbing to me because it sounds like you're giving up ... you have moved ahead tons in this program and fellowship and you are loved beyond what you can comprehend right now, please stick with us, we are the winners ... giving up is not an option for us here, at least for those of us who are serious about the fatal nature of this disease ... so hang around ... we'll continue to support you through this 'hiccup' in your life ... chin up!!!
Love you and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Don't sabotage yourself Col. You've had some amazing posts lately, and I'm truly - truly - not just saying that to be nice inspired by your growth. You are honest - you're doing this - and you have made great strides.
It's okay to feel sad about your situation currently. But it's not okay to just give up on yourself. You are worth this. No matter what has happened in your life, you deserve the best. Do not let go of what you've got going. It's a very very good thing, and you have lots to offer others already! You give excellent support to people here, and you're making an impact on me and I'm sure others.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Col - seeing members act really different to certain people was so confusing to me. I was not used to seeing people come down on others here. I didn't know they were so far away from being new, that they might have forgotten how badly we need to see consistency in the love and actions we take here. How much damage they were doing by simply "fighting back". They may have thought they were only defending what keeps them alive, but in fact, it was going against everything I was being taught - and I didn't like to see the people who were saving my life act like that. I had them on a pedestal I guess. Now I can see we are not saints. No one is a saint, but I can love them anyway.
What was happening threatened my sense of security. I was very very upset and feeling lost the last time a certain member here came on the board and posted - and I saw people displaying there own personal boundaries to what they had determined necessary for their own sobriety. I didn't see it that way at first. I felt sorry for certain members that people were coming down on. I was so confused about my own posts and replies to my posts suddenly. I wondered if everyone was also judging me.... in reality... I was still mostly just thinking of myself : (
Remember that people are not always exactly how we want them to be... even here in AA... even here in this place that has brought us support and safety. We see people judging others, and we wonder if they are judging us too... I wondered that anyway. Now I know, that they are trying to keep this a safe place for everyone... especially newcomers... but sometimes they forget to send a loving message always. That we have stopped fighting anyone or anything. They forget that we treat our fellows who are still sick with compassion... as a sick friend. But they are only human. They get frustrated sometimes just like us. They make choices that scare us sometimes, but that doesn't mean they are scary - it just means they did one thing that made us upset. Don't focus on that. Focus on the good. It was hard for me to grasp that at first, but I see it differently now, because I still kept coming back - even when it was tough. Please give yourself some more time to understand what's going on here, and with you Col. You deserve that. I have learned so much from the same people who have also disappointed me at times. Now I know I can love people - INCLUDING what I perceive as mistakes and through their growth. Not mistakes at all - just where they are suppose to be for a reason I don't have to understand actually.
We are all just doing the best we can with what we know... all of us... including you - you are one of us and we like that : )
We'll be here for you if you change your mind and want to come back - and with open arms. Don't be afraid to come back...
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You have reminded me of yet another thing my sponsor told me ... "What other people think of you is none of your business." ... So, I learned that others can judge me all they want, I am what I am ... period ... My main goal here in AA is to learn to live sober and to gain that 'peace and serenity' that I see in others who actively practice the principles of the program ... ... all of us have bad days from time to time, and we may say something that we may could have said differently ... thank the Lord that it is rare for someone to intentionally try to hurt someone else here ... 99% of the time, I only see others doing their best to help each other, which is why AA has the longevity it has ... AND it's the main reason I continue to come here to this board ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
So I think maybe I missed something here. When I read your post Col, I thought "Wow" what a great example of how this program works. You sound like you are moving forward in your recovery, despite what life has thrown at you. From your recent posts, you sound like a woman with both dignity and grace. Being able to identify and admit to our character defects is no easy task. Honestly, there are some days when this whole sobriety thing is so hard and I do not want to do it anymore. At those times, I try to make use of the tools I have been given and know that there is nothing but misery and despair waiting for me once I pick up that first drink. I'm not sure what happened that makes you feel like you want to step away from MIP, but I hope you change your mind. Your sharing of your journey has been truly inspiring to me. I know I don't post much, but I check the board almost daily, it and you have been a huge part of my recovery journey. Whatever you decide, know that we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))
__________________
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Thanks for sharing. You're post really shows some growth and honesty. We change and sometimes other thinks change that helps us change.
I had been working at a job about 6 months when I got sober in AA, the damage had been done my attitude and MO seemed to be set in stone, and looking back I don't think I really changed my behavour much during the next 1 year sober, but not sure it would have done a lot of good anyway.
I changed jobs after a year sober and worked to put in place what I learned in the rooms. I had this job about 9 yrs, earned several promotions and always have a good reputation.
If I work the AA program in all areas of life/work, things turn out best. Just like AA, I get back what I put in try to steer clear of selfish and dishonest motives, be helpful and of service to co-workers.
Some of the concepts of the traditions are really useful in the workplace, common welfare, primary purpose, self sufficiency, opinions on outside issues :0
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks very much guys. I dunno, my head is just spinning. I go from 'everything happens for a reason, it'll all work out for the best, it's in my HP hands, etc' to 'holy crap, what am I gonna do???' in an instant. I know this job wasn't what I should be doing anyway, but $$ is money ya know? I've realized that a lot of choices I've made are just plain dumb, and I'll learn from it. I have learned from it, but the immediate panic coupled with a lonely holiday... Well it's tough to stay focused on the possible good. It's tough to stay connected to spirituality and growth when the matters of practicality are staring me in the face. I came extremely close to drinking last night. It was scary because I don't want to go tie one on and have a good time. I want to wallow, destruct, and destroy myself. I KNOW that going back out would be the end for me... But it was appealing. That's the frightening thing. I dunno, my heads just not on right. But I didn't drink, though I really wanted to. I'm struggling, but I guess we all do.
good morning! So glad to hear you didn't drink. We are so close in our soberity, and I thought about t alot last night. Nice to wake up and see you are ok,. Times are rough but you will get through it. We all have ups and downs some worse than others, but as its said, just don't take that first drink. Have a great holiday, reach out if you need.
If you do nothing else today, call Tasha ... Please ... she PM'd her number to you and is willing to help you see things more clearly ... I trust her judgement and would be comforted myself just knowing that you are continuing to seek the help that's being offered so freely ...
My problem in early recovery was the 'way I would think' ... I would interpret things wrongly and let my 'thinking' spin out of control, mostly 'doomsday' kind of thinking ... I was taught to see the bright side of the picture here and in AA and have come to know how great changing my attitude and outlook on life can be ... I prayed for you last night and will continue to do so for I want you to come to know the miracle of recovery such as I have found here ...
You have found a place in our hearts and we love you no matter what you do, God Bless and keep you Colleen, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Doomsday thinking is right. It's very difficult for me to stop this type of thinking once it begins- everything's a big catastrophe. If I think what is most difficult about this situation is that it's my doing. I honestly have nobody to blame but myself. It's a tough pill to swallow. I'm trying not to dwell on it and put the focus on this actually quite perfect opportunity for growth. I can learn from this and make the necessary changes within myself and move on... Or I can stew in it, curl up in a ball and die. These are now my options. I have a great sponser who I've been fully honest with, and she still supports me. I can't be that bad off if this brilliant, wonderful person still deems me worthy of her attention and caring. My rents paid, my fridge is full. My HP has seen me through. I've made new friends within the fellowship since. I've picked up a few shifts at my old job to tide me over financially. AND I get a break from a job I quite frankly hated and was creating resentment within me on a daily basis. Ok.. It's not the end of the world:) and I'm still sober, which is #1.
Wow!! Col...good work what a dipper ride!! Done like how I've watch old timers do it...Yeppers you're learning. Gotta tell you tho that some of the bruises you're wearing came from beating up on yourself. No No....not allowed. Love yourself like we love you...be a good girl and give the you lady and nice hug and go have some ice cream or such....mint chocolate chip with chocolate syrup...yes a bit more syrup please...would do good. Love you...be gentle with Colleen please. ((((hugs))))
Wow!! Col...good work what a dipper ride!! Done like how I've watch old timers do it...Yeppers you're learning. Gotta tell you tho that some of the bruises you're wearing came from beating up on yourself. No No....not allowed. Love yourself like we love you...be a good girl and give the you lady and nice hug and go have some ice cream or such....mint chocolate chip with chocolate syrup...yes a bit more syrup please...would do good. Love you...be gentle with Colleen please. ((((hugs))))
Dag nabit!!! ... I just KNEW someone was going to mention 'ice cream' sooner or later ... oh boy, ... ... I've left the ice cream, in the freezer, alone for the last few days ... and now? ... BAM, I feel the need ... and damn, I just may have to make some brownies to go with it ... CRAP, ... there goes that 12 pounds I just lost ...
THANKS A LOT Jerry
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
