Maybe the fact that I've been coming to an AA forum off and on for years should have been a tip off. Or the revolving door they're installing for me at my home group should have convinced me. Or how about just the fact that I feel like a steamy turd when I drink and when I don't I feel far less turd-like. I'm a weak man. I cannot allow myself to believe in a higher power to help me. I think I may be one of the doomed. Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating the facts. Time to bump up the payout on the life insurance policy before my health goes to shit. At least that's something I can do that's good for my family. Merry Xmas :)
-- Edited by Rob84 on Saturday 22nd of December 2012 11:45:10 PM
TM. Go rent "The Bells of St. Mary's". I hope you are the old guy in the movie that has a conversion and gives the Nuns your office building to use as their new school. He becomes a happy man in his old age. His health improves. He has joy. That is because he finally made an act of faith, even if did not really understand why. I think you have two major malfunctions--the second affected by the first. The first is you can not "let go" of control. You can not admit that you have no idea WHAT the order of the universe is, and that it MAY be from a higher power. The second is your physical and mental addiction to booze. If you can fix the first, and admit there MAY be a HP somehow running the universe, and IF HE/SHE/IT is out there, and IF you reached out enough, you COULD find enough evidence, some glimmer of faith to latch on to and build on, that would allow you to use this program.
Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Saturday 22nd of December 2012 08:46:27 AM
-- Edited by Rob84 on Saturday 22nd of December 2012 11:44:53 PM
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I've also been thinking quite a bit about the insurance policy lately. Every time I buy a new bottle of booze or a new case of beer, I wonder if it will be my last. I hope for us both longevity, but I guess only time will tell. Good health to you and your family!
Tom you are right on all accounts but one. I don't come here to bring anyone down or hurt anyone. Most of the time I am fine, happy and things are good but deep down there's the war raging inside me and when it comes to the surface I come here and spout off. It's not right and I apologize. I can't explain what it's like to feel exactly as most of you do for six days a week and then all off a sudden have these other angry bitter anti-AA feelings on day 7. I know I'm not crazy and it's just me rationalizing so I can do whatever I want but it is very Jeykell & Hyde-ish. I'm a high bottom, binge drinking, drunk. Usually I can fight the good fight and white knuckle through life just by focusing on what makes me happy, "playing the movie through to the end", etc. unfortunately It doesn't always work and I fail. I may be an annoying pain but I swear to you, if I could stop hurting people I would.
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-- Edited by Tipsy McStagger on Saturday 22nd of December 2012 11:56:49 AM
Maybe the fact that I've been coming to an AA forum off and on for years should have been a tip off. Or the revolving door they're installing for me at my home group should have convinced me. Or how about just the fact that I feel like a steamy turd when I drink and when I don't I feel far less turd-like. I'm a weak man. I cannot allow myself to believe in a higher power to help me. I think I may be one of the doomed. Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating the facts. Time to bump up the payout on the life insurance policy before my health goes to shit. At least that's something I can do that's good for my family.
Ya know, ... my first impulse was to come back and slam some thoughts out here that would certainly not have been pleasent to read, regarding your last comment ... but then, I decided to stop letting you pay rent to be in my mind ... you have been evicted ... I don't need to rent space to thoughts that only serve to drag me down into the mud with some deluded individual ...
-- Edited by Rob84 on Saturday 22nd of December 2012 11:46:48 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Maybe the fact that I've been coming to an AA forum off and on for years should have been a tip off.
TM, you've had this screen name for over 5 years, then there are 3 other accounts of yours. You were a member before I was and I've been here 6.5 years lol.
I have heard so many folks say "I relapsed so much that I thought I was constitutionally incapable....." blah blah. It takes what it takes Tipsy. You do keep coming back and that is A GOOD THING. Also, the belief in your home group or that AA may work is a higher power of sorts. You DO believe in a higher power or you wouldn't keep coming back to AA. The task in front of you is learning to put more faith in your HP and utilize it to recover. You've been in AA enough and participated here enough to know there are folks that don't have conventional versions of "God" as their higher power. That is not required.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
As an atheist it was fairly simple to acknowledge that I was Not-God. It didn't matter who or what other people conceptualized as a "higher power", all that mattered was that I was willing to stop "playing God"!!! Ironic, but true. Attaining and maintaining some balance (I was also a binge drinker prone to episodic rage) required physical sobriety and, eventually, an effective psychotropic. Believing in a power greater than self (process greater than self will do) is not really all that hard--it just means we need to get out of our own way and LET the steps work, by working the steps. A little effort, a little attention to detail, a little shot of undiluted honesty, a little bit of shut up and listen--it all comes together eventually, as long as we keep showing up and have some shred of capacity in our brains to to see that we are not weak--just the opposite is the problem--we are too darn strong!! And Tipsy, if you are able to state that you feel like a steaming turd when drinking and less like a turd when you are not, then you have the capacity to be honest. As such, you are not a poor unfortunate who is doomed. I think you are feeling sorry for yourself and that is just another costume that "I AM GOD" hides behind, the arrogance of self-pity. You're not the first and won't be the last...that's not a put-down, just an observation from my own miserable experience (in the past; happy, healthy, sober today) that hopefully may be of use.
Christmas is not merry this year, and holidays not quite so happy, so I'll just wish everyone some peace and gratitude as we go on from here.
-- Edited by leeu on Sunday 23rd of December 2012 10:17:43 PM
-- Edited by leeu on Sunday 23rd of December 2012 10:20:56 PM
