Feeling good physically so far but I'm wondering if I can expect some sort of increased "clarity" down the road. I hear about folks becoming much calmer and more at peace after having quit for months or years and I'm hoping to find that same type of happiness. So far I'm still quite agitated and depressed to some degree. Also bored beyond belief as booze had been the center of my life both socially and emotionally. Now I've lost my "friend" and I'm not sure what to do with myself.....beyond whine as I'm doing here. Sorry.
Congrats on four weeks, Mike! I'm nearly there myself. Have you been going to lots of meetings? I think it's still pretty early to be experiencing the clarity and the peace, for me, anyways. Personally, I'm just keeping my head down and showing up and doing the one day at a time thing. Perfectly ok to whine, by the way!
At the end of my drinking, three weeks was the most I could manage without taking action on the AA program. That irritability and restlessness would return - I call it the spritual malady - and i'd be drinking again. You don't say in you post what else you are doing to stay sober, but if you are an alcoholic of my type, you best get busy in AA if you want to survive this disease.
The trouble is alcoholism is a brain disease that works in two ways. Firstly an allergy of the body which means when we take any alcohol into our system we develop the phenomenon of craving and can't stop until the end of the spree. Then we have this insane thing, a strange mental blank spot that occurs just before the first drink of the next spree. We can't remember the reasons why we shouldn't drink, we accept some lame reasoning like "I'll be able to handle it this time" or often there is no thought at all. Before we know it we are out of control again. The problem is we have no effective defense against the first drink. And believe me, we have tried everything.
We lack the power to control our drinking and we lack the power to not start drinking in the first place. So we gotta get some power from somewhere. Where are you going to get the power Mike?
Congrats Mike, on on 1 month! I does get significantly better over a short and long period of time. At 90 days you should feel a lot more comfortable. If you search this forum for "post acute withdrawal" you'll find some good threads about Terrence Gorski's book "staying sober". Most of us suffered from "Paws" for a few months to half a year or so after we stopped drinking. It's just your body adjusting it's chemistry after so many years of the ups and downs of drinking. Hang in there, it's an amazing journey.
You're doing great. That first month is rough so it's good to have that out of the way. I'm at a little over two years and I can tell you that it does get so very much better. It's worth the white knuckle ride at the start.
Sounds pretty accurate for where I was also at at 1 month sober. Yes, it does get better, but you have to keep working at it in AA. Folks who just "go dry" and have no program stay the way you are describing. You can get through this and achieve a FAR greater level of serenity through working the steps and the program to it's fullest. I can tell you that from direct experience. I was a total basket case. Now I'm only half crazy LOL. Keep posting and keep us updated!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome Mike 1220, ... MIP is glad to have you here ...
Congrats on 4 weeks, that's a biggie ... The toughest part for me was my 'thinker' ... my brain could not settle down and concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes ... my 'thinking' would bounce all over the place and just not settle down long enough for me to truly relax ... what I did was to read, a lot ... I looked for anything to do just to keep my mind from racing off into the sunset ... in fact, I started cleaning my house (much to the delight of my wife) ... I mean I went through any and everything and cleaned up or cleaned out the stuff that didn't need to be there anymore ... I had the cleanest house on the block for a while ... LOL
Just don't drink and go to meetings right now, and read the AA Big Book for sure ... more will be revealed in time and you'll come to enjoy your new 'way of life' soon ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I agree, especially when you have some issues come up and coping can be a struggle at times. For me its easy to look back and dwell on poor choices made over the years. Hang in there!
Well, you have hope. That's a great place to start. Next comes action. Take some actions that other sober people around you take. If you see or hear someone who gives you hope, figure out what it is they do, and do it. Ask them if you have to. See if you can find out what their journey has looked like, and what they do today to maintain that serenity and peace that has given you some more hope. Then start doing those things. Have some faith, then take a leap of faith if you can... that it will work for you too. Cause it can : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I've only been to one meeting so far. Some how I had the idea that if you stopped on your own...you would not need meetings. So I've stopped....but now I'm in limbo. I think I'm learning that the peace, serenity, and personal growth comes in part from participating in meetings and AA in general.
I've come to realize that I have no friends left after all these years. I was never a raging drunk.....just a constant drinker. Not sure yet how I aliented eveyone. I'm facing Christmas alone again after 55 years of life, 3 kids, and a full life. This is telling! Telling me I've been doing something wrong. Was I isolating myself with booze????
Yes, you've got it - drinking is a symptom of a much bigger problem. Usually bullheaded is PART of the problem : )
You can read all about it in the big book of aa - found online to read for free. Millions of people have found the solution you are in search of by reading that book, and then following the suggestions in it.
Keep coming back : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Consciously or not, isolating is exactly the process we go through as we get lost in alcoholism ... ... We slowly stop caring for anything or anyone after some point in our drinking ... drinking then becomes our number 1 priority ... it's a very selfish act ... and a deadly one ... we often end up alone with no-one caring to be around us and very often die alone because we lost the ability to love and gave no-one else a reason to love us back ...
King Alcohol chains us to the bottle and makes us slaves ... AA has a way out, if we are willing to do a little work ... and the reward of being and staying sober is beyond our comprehension when we first start wondering if we should try and stop ...
Have you ever tried to 'sneak' a drink to keep someone from knowing you had one ??? ... If so, you were isolating ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I think your point about the "reward of staying sober is beyond our comprehension when we first think about becoming sober" is what I am struggling with yet inspired by. I really believe there is much more to life that I am missing and I want to run there now, yet I need to take it one step at a time.
I really believe that sobriety offers so much to me...and others. This is part of what I am looking for when I read posts by others, I want to hear about how much their life has improved. people tend to give this "short shift" if you will. They say it's great or better than they ever imagined...but nobody seems to get specific. I guess these are the inspiring messages I need and hope to hear in rooms and on line.
You'll fit right in then. You'll notice that everything in AA is in the nature of a suggestion rather than an order. Us alcoholics tend to get fired up and do the opposite if we are told we must do something. Heh.
I think your point about the "reward of staying sober is beyond our comprehension when we first think about becoming sober" is what I am struggling with yet inspired by. I really believe there is much more to life that I am missing and I want to run there now, yet I need to take it one step at a time.
I really believe that sobriety offers so much to me...and others. This is part of what I am looking for when I read posts by others, I want to hear about how much their life has improved. people tend to give this "short shift" if you will. They say it's great or better than they ever imagined...but nobody seems to get specific. I guess these are the inspiring messages I need and hope to hear in rooms and on line.
Thanks for listening.
Hey Mike, ... That is a very valid point ... one that I think a lot of us neglect to expand on very often ...
Living the AA principles for life is so much more than just not drinking ... although when we lose ourselves in the bottle, we also lose the 'ability' to love or care for anything or anyone other than getting our next drink ... that's really hard freakin' work if you think about it and it takes up so much of our time that we lose out on the simple pleasures in life itself ... we are only granted one life and I learned that alcohol put me in a state of mind so that I was missing out on the very things that matter in life ...
For instance, I have come to really appreciate the sound the birds make in the mornings, opposed to cursing at them for being so damn loud after a night of drinking ... I can sit down and enjoy a good meal today and slowly savor the flavor when I eat as opposed to taking only a couple of bites so as not to ruin my 'buzz' ... I can sit through a whole football game and remember it the next day rather than passing out and missing the best game of the playoffs perhaps ... I can drive anywhere anytime and not fear being pulled over for a DUI ... I am available for emergencies to help where needed when the call comes in day or night as opposed to my wife trying to wake me up by throwing water on my face ...
I have rarely found a need to be angry any more cause I have the tools of the AA program to guide my 'thinking' to a more sane environment as oppsed to renting space in my head to someone who dispises me or who irritates me ... I learned to let go of things that cause me to feel negative on any given day so I feel better both mentally and physically each day now ... I have learned to have faith in a higher power (for me, God) is to be able to turn anything that causes me anxiety over to Him/Her and feel the inner peace and serenity I never knew possible ... It IS TRULY an incredible journey now that I never could have dreamed possible ...
You just have to live it to believe it Mike ... it is truly nothing less than a miracle and we see these miracles in the rooms of AA every day ... hopeless cases retuned to loving human beings now being productive in life ... and being loved by others ... it's magic, why not join us for a spell ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have had those exact same thoughts Mike, and have purposefully been dedicated to writing about the promises that have come true for me for that exact reason - to help people searching for what you are - looking for hope - because that's what I was looking for when I came here. There are many regular members on here dedicated to writing here as service work.
There are so many stories of hope on here if you search for them. Just coming back regularly and watching people like Col, and now hopefully you grow in sobriety gives me hope. If you share, you're already giving back. Just by getting the help you need, or writing of your life, you help yourself and give back at the same time. Go back through the pages and start reading... and keep posting : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You have to also remember that this isn't a meeting or even a substitute for a meeting. I share my story a couple of times a week in real life but I can't post it (or variations of it) in every second thread. How I use this place is if I come across something that makes me think or confuses me I might bring it up here as well as in real life to get various takes on it, or maybe to enlighten others of what I've discovered. It's maybe a pre - meeting or after meeting meeting place for me.
Briefly this place is really good as a first point of call for the alcoholic that still suffers and needs directions; it's good for bouncing ideas and thoughts around and examining them; it's great for giving and getting boosts and positive reinforcement; and it's nice to talk to like minded people and - as Tasha said - watch people grow in sobriety.
But the real nuts and bolts of sobriety is and always will be in the Book, the Steps and the real life meetings.
First of all, congrats on four miraculous weeks of recovery! That is an awesome achievement. I want to encourage you to keep fighting the good fight and assure you that we are all in this together.
Although the situation you describe does not match mine precisely, I want to share a little something that occurred earlier in my recovery. I found myself getting pissed off all the time and I am sure I don't have to tell you how much "clarity" an angry person has. This was a surprise to me as it was so opposed to the pink cloud experience I had enjoyed during a previous recovery attempt. I had worked the steps, was working with others, tried to make myself of use to God and to my fellows and yet I was still angry. I was beginning to suspect that I was truly just a bad person.
So, I went to a meeting and I shared about it. An older member was kind enough to take me aside and, with diagrams and examples, tell me of the normalizing process that my brain chemistry was going through. (Her illustrations, though immensely helpful to me, would not have been appropriate to discuss during a meeting as they relate to treatment ideas and not the program specifically). I later shared this with my sponsor who is studying for her CAADAC (drug counseling certificate) and she told me this syndrome is called PAWS, or Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome and that it can last for up to two years after our last drink. (Nothing cute about that!)
Since that time, I have to say that I am much less angry. And when I am upset, it is much less often. I have found that my whole attitude about life has changed. My motivations have changed, my hopes have changed.
To get real specific, I used to have a criminal record. Now I do not. I used to feel like the people in my life were distractions to my real living and now I see them as the reason for living. My motivations and relation to my children, for example, is based on what the highest possible good for them will be and not what will make me more comfortable in the moment. My mother is still my dear friend but now I am a friend to her. Although my current living situation is sometimes strained, I can now look at my significant other and his family and see that they are sick just like I was and as a result, I can now see the many wonderful ways that God has designed them to be who they are. (I freely confess that I still struggle with the significant other but I trust that God will show me what to do next).
Today, I am employable and promotable. My employer has seen fit to give me a raise twice in the last five months and I am striving to turn over to God all the potential problems that can result from such good tidings. I have also had opportunities to help others find gainful employment.
I was homeless. Now I am not. I was suicidal and depressed beyond description. Now, I am not. There was something miraculous about how the removal of alcohol from my system removed my desire for oblivion and death.
I still deal with mood swings here and there and they definitely affect my clarity but I use these challenges as opportunities to throw myself even harder into the working of this program.
So, in a nutshell, what I must say to you is that if you work this program with the same effort with which you used to feed your alcoholic urge; if you seek to follow the dictates of the God of your understanding in your daily life; if you work to serve Him and your fellows to the very best of your ability, then clarity will be yours, serenity will be yours. Life will open up to you in ways you never dreamed possible.
I urge you to read the ninth step promises beginning on the last paragraph of page 83 of the big book. They are real. And those are only the ninth step promises! There are dozens more. You have a truly amazing journey ahead of you if you will simply stay off the sauce and work the program.
Congrats again on four weeks! Looking forward to hearing more of your journey.
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"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 84
An addict is WHAT I am but it does not define all of WHO I am.
Hey mike:) I know what you mean by the 'short shift' thing. When I first became sober I felt great in many aspects but not so great in others. St Petedean mentioned PAWS... That's worth looking into to see if it may apply to you. Just looking up that information online set my mind at ease. Let's see, I felt very unfocused, a bit crazy and physically exhausted for a bit after getting sober. Many times I would be sitting in meetings not able to focus on what was being said. Physically I felt kinda crappy, like I was getting the flu... I didn't realize that I was also very malnourished from years of drinking (stops your body from absorbing many nutrients). I made a serious effort to eat nutrient dense foods and that seemed to help. Being sober IS the best and can be bumpy but well worth it. It does take some time, though... If you're like me, patience is not my strong point lol! Hang in there, it does get better.
Thanks Pappy. Yes....I'm looking forward to that quality time you refer to. 35 years of a blue haze has given me a lot to consider, regret, and change. It's as though I need to re-learn how to LIVE. This is why I'm happy to take it one day at a time...I have so much work to do! So much to learn...not just about AA but about normal adult living and interacting in a sober fashion. One day..one hour....
Mike, ... you've hit the nail on the head ... that's exactly how it came across to me too ... learning to live life all over again ... but it not as bad as I made it out to be in my mind ... the 'One Day at a Time' concept worked great for me ... I don't think I'd be sober now if it hadn't ... try not to make 'mountains out of mole hills' when problems come along, and they will ... just learn the tools you find in the AA Big Book and the 12 & 12, and use them ... and the 'Living Sober' book is excellent also ...
Sounds like you want to leave your old life behind ... this also sounds like a wise decision on your part ... just don't forget, there's not a problem in the world that a drink or a drug won't make worse ...
Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 24th of December 2012 04:18:38 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Oh wow - so I knew that the brain was damaged, but I thought it was basically healed up at 4 months. I suppose that info has been stored in my brain now for over a decade, so it must be outdated info. Glad I've updated : ) Thanks
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
When I was drinking, the holidays were tough ... I'd be thinking of all the sh!t I was in while everyone else seemed to be having fun and enjoying themselves ... I'm here to tell you, it can take a while to get that stink'n think'n out of your head ... just try to relax and enjoy the season ... Oh, PAWS is the real deal ... just takes time to get over it, and it depends on how long we drank ... you make it though, as long as you keep moving forward in recovery ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey man, ... My first drink was at age 20 and my last was at age 55 ... so you ain't tell'n me anything new ... and if I can get and stay sober for 5 years, then so can you ... once you realize how good being sober really is, then the time will pass more quickly and you'll be capable of enjoying it ... in fact, time will start passing by faster than you'd like it to ...
AND sober time is quality time ... you don't see that now, but stick with us and you'll see soon enough ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy. Yes....I'm looking forward to that quality time you refer to. 35 years of a blue haze has given me a lot to consider, regret, and change. It's as though I need to re-learn how to LIVE. This is why I'm happy to take it one day at a time...I have so much work to do! So much to learn...not just about AA but about normal adult living and interacting in a sober fashion. One day..one hour....
