What a day! What an insane day. I manage a narcotic treatment program and today, the Friday before Xmas, ppl were in rare form. Suicidal, aggressive, and so many in relapse. I am so emotionally drained I don't know what to do with myself. Emotionally exhausted and physically wound up. Had a former client come in today due to heroin relapse. He is still completely in denial of his alcoholism, though. He is a young man in his early 20s already experiencing DTs. He came in today-face bloated, hands trembling, with that all telling bottle of water. I asked him what was going on with his drinking and he tried to explain to me that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, he can control his drinking and he will write me a contract promising not to drink. I treat primarily opiate addiction and there is something about alcoholism that is so much harder for me to process. My heart hurt for this young man. Even when he blows numbers or shakes ferociously when trying to sober up, he lies in the face of alcoholism. I feel so fortunate to be in the program now. I wish I could give him even a little of the faith I have gained thus far. It is up to him and his higher power, I know, but I long to make him all better.
Just another day in social work paradise,
Chaya
Thanks for your post ... it reminds me of those I sponsor ... some break my heart and some make me so proud and happy to be a part of their recovery ... the ones we come to love can often let us down when they simply refuse to work the program ... I would gladly work the program for them if I could ... so sad to see them go back to their old ways and just 'give up' on life ... It took a long time for me to release the 'emotional attachment' I always got to the first ones that relapsed under my guidance ...
But when the hopeless cases come, and they will, it's the most wonderful thing in the world to see them achieve a year sober, then two and more ... they are the reason I continue to offer to sponsor ... and in doing so, I also continue to grow stronger in my sobriety ... you know the saying, we can only keep it if we give it away ...
Hang tough Chaya, Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
P.S. Bless you and your choice of work environments ... it takes a strong person to deal with that on a daily basis ... not sure I could do it ... you be strong!
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am full of admiration for the work you do Chaya. My sponsor and one or two of my contemporaries worked in the field and I know how tough it is. I don't believe I could remain sufficiently emotionally detached to do a good job in that role.
I guess the difference in AA is that this is a program for people who want it. We don't chase drunks, we just lay out the kit of spiritual tools for their inspection. It's up to God whether they pick them up. Sometimes we get someone who really wants what we have and are willing to do the work. Most of these recover and it is a joy to be a part of that. Then there are those who are not prepared to do the work, we just have to smile and move on to the next one - we don't have the power to fix them.
My pre AA days, where I visited counsellors and therapists, were more a time of trying to negotiate the diagnosis if that makes any sense. I knew alcoholics could not drink, so I was looking for any other option, including mental illness, that would allow me to keep drinking. My main lines of attack were possible brain damage through a bang on the head, depression (poor poor me), and an unsettled childhood. None of these were true or relavent, but they were topical at the time. So while I am pursuing these lines the counsellors and doctors could see the obvious truth, but were completely unable to get me to see it. I must have been a source of total frustration for them. But that is what is meant by "probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism."
But then again, folks like you do a lot of great work about which you never hear. My counsellors never heard about my recovery, but they did play an important part and I may not have got sober (eventually) without the work and time they put in on me, to all intents and purposes, a hopeless case.
((((Chaya)))) I don't know what your program allows and when I was in the field my first admins were recovering people and it was just so okay to lay my own story out in front of a new patient who was in denial...and given that permission I did. Most of the time it served to tell the new patient to listen and not talk and deny because I was one of those guys that had been there and done that myself. Let them know that you know and that you know that you know and telling you that he could control it is already a lost subject cause he don't know how to. Tell him how many times you promised to stop, quit, go dry, get sober or whatever and then how it worked out for you. I found working with addicts and alcoholics a rush at times because we are soooo imaginative and I still hear new and different stories as to why its different for the new comer. Drinking doesn't stop the thinking...it gives it added color...LOL Get some rest they're going to need it. ((((hugs))))
