My first sponsor had a way of getting through to me like no other. It had me practice this exercise, which he claimed would help. He said "it's a way of getting to the core of the problem". Here's what he suggested.
On the left side of a blank sheet of paper, he would have me write 'who I'm angry with'. Then, he would have me draw a line down the middle. On the right side of that line he would have me write 'why am I so angry'. That would continue until every known issue I had, whether it was anger, resentments or such like was written down -in the same order. When I finished, he would make me read it over and over again. It felt like I was telling on myself -funny as that may seem, but he did get his point across. What was buried deep down inside was one the reasons behind my active alcoholism, and by doing this exercise I was letting all that go, finally. And it worked. I never felt so relieved in all my life, and now I'm living proof that miracles do happen. And so are you, Jerry. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 20th of December 2012 03:55:37 AM
...Aloha Family...Remember that statement...any of you? I remember it a long time ago and hardly ever paid attention to it cause I was different that is until I had enough time away from the anesthesia of alcohol that blocks out reality and then HP brings the subject up in another inventory...Yes another inventory!! asked for by my (ptsd) therapist. My inside/outside response is mostly mental rather than emotional...I analyze. I use to analyze best during the drinking decades which was normal because when I was anestethized with ETOH I couldn't feel anything not even my butt with both hands. Neither could I find my way to the classroom on the subject when I was supposed to be there. Alcohol displaced so many of the important normal lessons for my life and now years later I'm re-doing the wakeup call. "Soooo how do you feel about that"?, the therapist asks and I think its a multiple choice question. My normal, usual, default responses are not feelings so I have to go back to what a former therapist told me when I asked him the question..."What the hell are feelings"? and when the look on my face told him that I was serious and didn't know he told me, "Feelings are inward reactions to outside event" and then he tried to continue on his subject what I was just "GETTING IT!!" He had worken up the monster inside me and often times after that I wished I still drank cause feelings for me are slippery and anonymous and here again am I...being asked about something I have little awareness or expertise on other than I JUST DON'T EFFIN KNOW...Oh okay that one is irritated and angry...right?
Last November I was assaulted by the police and at this time in the healing the subject is emotional healing...When I listen to my thoughts and feelings I arrive at; and I'm going to have to mention this to my therapist..."I'm afraid I'm an emotional cripple"...tho I think she has already arrive at that condition....she keeps with the "Sooooo what does that kind of feel like for you"?
I haven't drank in a long time and it takes the random killings of children to raise my heart beat a notch or two...maybe. I don't feel it I go right to "And I have come to believe that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." and just stand there with that soft grin on my face.
I need leadership on this one and so can I set some or all of you (lol...manipulation)up on this subject. All feedback will be greatly appreciated...no joshing. Going to sit back and read and listen and focus deeply on your responses...any ESH send it over cause I'm about ready to put pen to paper again and my reading light is burnt out.
Geez. I'm all feelings. So many feelings. Nonstop feelings. I'll let you borrow some. This is kinda weird, but what helped me get in touch with those feelings was doing assignments in my MSW program called process recordings. We had to write out our session with clients: what we said, they said, interventions used, and our gut feelings. For the first few months, my gut feelings were cognitive. So, not feelings at all. My clinical supervisor would ask how I felt and I would tell her what I thought. She really helped me to differentiate between the two. Actually, I just don't think I wanted to access those feelings. I tried to keep them pushed down because when they came up they really came up. It was scary. Overwhelming. I fear expressing my feelings. I fear feeling in itself. I have difficulty expressing feelings and even affection at times. Seems so strange since I have what seems like too much feeling.
I don't feel it I go right to "And I have come to believe that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." and just stand there with that soft grin on my face.
Hey Jerry,
I don't think you can be in recovery as long as yourself and still be a emotional cripple. I kind of do what you said above, I might feel it, process it fast and move on. I can't do HP's will and get out of self if I'm in some kind of circular emotional state.
To emotionally take on the World's problems just helps to destroy our usefullnes to ourselves and others. Trying to stay in the "now" and moving in a linear fashion emotionally seems to work best for me. Keep on steps 10.11.12. inventory/amends, improve conscious contact, help others.
I know there are a lot of good Therapists who help people in various ways process emotions and sort things out, but I don't understand pulling out feelings if you've already dealt with the issues. Anyway, I enjoy your sharing here. We are all human and not perfect, but I think we have a design for living that probably makes us 90% more emotionally stable than the general population if we apply the priciples.
I've noticed a big change in you since you sold the truck
I hope Odat chimes in on this one...
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
thanks for the help and sharing from your heart. I have found ,for me, that thru working the steps and the application of, into all areas of my life have illustrated the effectiveness of our recoveries.(keep it on me here) With God's grace ,each day I continue to rebuild my fractured personality.Recovery is not a myth it is a reality for us today,something I constantly remind myself of. In growth, and growth is not always moving forward for this hardhead,but it is progressing day by day,the understanding of humility as I practice allows me acceptance of both my assets and liabilities,and I believe like most WE want to feel good about ourselves.Feelings can be deceptive but compared to the War torn years of active addiction We do have feelings of love,hope,joy,excitement,sadness etc even when we "feel" they are supressed.Our feelings are not our old alcoholic induced thoughts or patterns.Even with time in the process of recovery we may get caught up in our old ideas( used to just supress all this "life on life terms junk by getting twisted)those thoughts lead me to checking on my 'COMPLACENCY' a true enemy of those in recovery especially those with ample program time, but to remember, time does not equal recovery it just means we may have been treating ourselves a litle longer than others. We are at the opposite ends of the spectrum here,I always wanted to blot out thoughts of what was going on,stifling the anger and hiding the true monster I felt I was inside, conflicted with a "religion"that was punishing and disciplinary and the guilt was overwhelming, I was feeling too much and making stuff up in this vast universe between my ears,,like you said "conference with the beast' daily let me use my favorite technique of rationalization and denial. When that was gone,thru total surrender and emotional acceptance of utter defeat,the healing began,slowly and with much work,including TODAYS.The basics are always my foundation.I have been analyzed,self analyzed,prayed over,meditated on,dipped in oil etc but only my true relationship with my Higher Power,whom I call God has taken me from that muck and mire and placed my feet on solid ground.And yes I continually slip of that solid stone ,but I am able to share about it,like you ,and get help something I would never admit I needed in the other life.Even the pain of crisis in recovery affords me the ability to try and find what my Higher Power is trying to teach me,definitely not easy for me.Would I ever feel that problems would bring me gifts? only in recovery and a closeness with God.Awareness,I know for me,was something I would try and stifle even though I knew it was there and Jerry just having that awareness that you share is truly a feeling and a gift.Our empathy for others does become a healing therapy for all addicted people.I listened to your share about you and you sponsee the other day,the laughter you both shared and the presence of God in that car as one reached out to another in a loving and caring manner,our primary purpose to be of maximum service to God and others...You may not feel it as much,I may feel it too much but we each continue to do the work and Just For Today more will definitely be revealed. Peace my brother....
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 20th of December 2012 10:53:44 AM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Inspiring and moving share Toad - thank you for your bravery and story of your recovery. I hope it can be posted in the "share your story here" sticky thread. There are many out there who are probably wondering if recovery can include them.
It was the bravery of Leeu's share about passing out while caring for her children here on this board, and hearing that she has been sober now many years that made me realize this program could include me.
I hope there isn't a soul out there who thinks this program can't help them. I think this story can inspire many.
With love,
Tasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 20th of December 2012 01:14:29 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I dunno Jerry. I have heard you label yourself with some problems that I am not sure you have. You call yourself ODD, PTSD, ADHD. It's not for me to decide. I think maybe you are afraid to call yourself normal. Feelings, confusion...they are messy and it's easier to just label yourself as having some disorder. There is always a fine line between feeling our feelings and being ruled by them. You will always be in flux between states of acceptance vs. denial.
You are also gifted with working with others who suffer so you know this is where you belong. If you weren't empathic and caring and feeling, you wouldn't be so adept at helping others.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I go through the same thing, Jerry, and we're about the same length of sobriety. Lately I have been asking myself that question too...but I know I do have emotions. When it hits close to home I feel very well...but with worldwide events I process them and it's a matter of acceptance and being grateful that it is not happening to me...just for today...and to be helpful where I can. When I get all emotional I am more into me and am of less service to others. I try to cross bridges when they come up...not beforehand. I have accepted that I do not do well with drama anymore and that it is bad for my health. Things are sad...but there is a big difference between being sad and being dramatic. And it's nice to be able to laugh when something hits us funny. Life is not a rose garden, neither is it a graveyard! Today I am grateful for balance!
Yup- that's me, too. I express myself through thoughts, not feelings. I was seeing a therapist for a while, and I felt as though we were making no progress. I remember going back over my childhood and adolescence, which were riddled with trauma, and I'd just kinda recite occurances, and my analysis of how I THOUGHT these things helped shape me and influenced my responses to things. It was all very clinical... Completely detached. I had no emotion in connection to these things at all. I could've very well been talking about a fictional character or something. My therapist would marvel at this and comment on how well I had coped considering... That's when I knew it was time to end the relationship. That was exactly the PROBLEM... I seriously thought I was a sociopath or something because I was completely unable to express or feel emotions. I went through 7 months of sobriety with only 1 cry! I've always been an observer in my own life. Even with others i was extremely uncomfortable with displays of emotion... Whether positive or negative. Not until working the 4th step did i begin to feel connected to my own life and emotions. And it honestly scares the crap outta me! But I'm beginning to feel like a human being again. And when someone gives me a hug, I dont tense up and freeze... Now I give hugs, too. I guess it's not the worst thing:)
Of all the subjects you could have chosen Jerry, an 'emotional cripple' hits me harder than any other ... the reason why, is that I feel it describes my life ... I've always tried and failed to live up to that old cliche that 'real men don't cry' B.S. ... ... ... and for a long time, I blamed my mother for my being so wound up emotionally ... I must have gotten that DNA from her ... I certainly didn't get it from my dad ... I still cry at tragedies and sad stories, but also at the sound of a beautiful songs or melody's or at the incredible performance that someone gave or at the compassion someone gave to a complete stranger, etc. ... ... ... I have fought off having these emotions for years, it makes me feel weak in character (which I am now realizing is just the society we live in) ...
I have been married for 39 years and just a few years ago I finally asked my wife what it was about me that made her fall in love with me back in the early 70's ... ... ... she said it was two things, my humor and my 'sensitivity' to others feelings ... she said when I cried at our first movie 'Love Story' w/ Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw, and I so desperately tried not to show it, she knew I was the one ...
So ... Emotions are a touchy subject for me ... things happen, and my body reacts ... I don't know why or how, but it does ... one thing I do know for a fact is that drinking heightens my emotions to an incredible level, usually in a state of depression ... cause when I drink, I lose touch with reality and 'mole hills' become 'mountains' ...
In today's society, we have found it necessary to assign 'labels' to literally everything ... PC listed off a few ... and I don't know if that helps the sufferer or hinders their progress ... you know, like I have ADDDS and can't help the way I act, or I have ADDDS and I know where to concentrate my recovery ... It just seems to me that back in the 50's and 60's, these problems didn't exist or were cured through active participation in a church organization of some type by becoming spiritually enlightened ... I could be way off the mark here, I really don't know ...
I do know one thing ... that is that the principles and spirituality I have learned in AA have taught me to accept myself for who I am and that if I am emotionally sensitive, then it was God given and I need to learn to accept and deal with it as I feel the good Lord wants me to ... not use it as a 'crutch' to justify inappropriate behavior ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi, " He had worken up the monster inside me " Somewhere deep down within myself I feared a monster lived. From little on up. Troubled child the would say. At 8 years standing in front of a Judge to determine my future I wondered. I was building a resume that would prove the existence of that monster in me. When I started drinking for real at 15 the monster would come out more often. Especially in blackouts. You see I had blackouts from the beginning. Hurting Men, women, children, animals, things. My time came. I had a sufficient bottom. Recovery ------------ Feelings flying around everywhere. I was terrified. The monster was out. I found I loved the feeling and power of lust. I found I loved the feeling of silencing my enemies. I found I loved the feelings of nobody fucks with Toad. Nobody. Neither God nor Man. As I felt -------- I feared. Drinking and drugging I acted according to the feelings. Committing crimes unspeakable. Now I am clean and sober what will he do ???? Very slowly he would learn that feelings were not "Prophesies", They were not a mandate that I act them out. He would feel lust strong enough to rape , shake like a leaf and write it down on paper. Then share it with another human. He would feel anger strong enough to kill, shake like a leaf and write it down. Then share it with another human. He would feel feelings that had no name, write it down. Then share it with another human. Finding " another human" was difficult. My feelings scared "another human" I scared myself. A sufficient bottom gave me the willingness to go to any length. I was. I rode recovery hard. Just as hard as I drank and drugged. It started to work. The monster some how was held at bay. He did not go away --- yet he was losing power to dictate my actions. Years into the ride --- one day ------- I walked up to the beast and gave him a hug. A long deep man hug. The beast relaxed It was confused I shrunk in size I shrunk in size. Something from the " Book" I give you all of me , good and bad. I was learning to love myself. I was not a mistake. I found some tools. I use those tools. Today I am not so afraid of my feelings. I feel them. and get on with living. Ride on Brother. Toad
Thanks Toad...you're a twin...I'm a Toad...There was no monster for me...I couldn't have lived beyond my bottom with that description...It was a Me inside of me and I justified with resentments and blame all of those things you have also explained inside of your journey and more. I read your post and find some of the tap roots to the me inside and the me outside. Yes I am a dual personality and as you explain I have been given the tools and time and opportunity to use them to keep my "other" silent; at rest. Fear keeps me from embracing him...I know about fear. Fear is the god of my "other"; it's creator I have learned the opposite of Fear which is Love and that is what means more to the me here and now. Love is what exists in and with the responders to my post. I know love...I found it in the program. I know who it is and what it is and I know how it walks and talks. No one would have dared to call me monster...they would resort to "Crazy" or "Scary" and never monster. I am grateful for your courageous honesty. It has always helped for me to understand that someone else understands.
I have taken notes from the responses to my share...notes of new understanding and new awarenesses. Yes even after 34 years of sobriety there is growth for me from within the fellowship of MIP and AA by the Bay.
I'm still listening with an open mind and I'm still getting help...how miraculous. ((((hugs))))
It's odd you should mention fear -vs- love Jerry ... ... ... tonight our meeting topic was fear -vs- faith ... My take on this was that fear is the opposite of faith ... I found that as I grew in faith, my fears subsided ... it was shared at the meeting that as a person continues in recovery, we are able to see what practicing the principles does for a person ... as we continue to go to meetings over time, we see how faith in a power greater than ourselves can indeed restore us to sanity by observing those in attendance ... in essence, our faith grows and the fear of the unknown continues to lessen ... ... ...
I do concede however, that what the 'Good Book' says about this lends credence to your share ... that is that our greatest assets are 'faith, hope, and love' and that the greatest of these is love ... so, I associate the three as synonymous ... because I don't believe you can have one without the others ...
Some of those in attendance tonight were a little skeptical ... but that was discussed as each individual has their own personal level of faith (faith - belief of things unseen) ... so, again we talked of faith -vs- fear being proportional, as faith grows, fear disappears and vice-versa ... the thing is, as we continue to attend meetings over time, we see and/or feel the recovery of others, thereby giving us a stronger feeling, or faith, in a power greater than us ... and the evidence is right before our eyes to see the sanity return to those who were once insane ... if you go to meetings long enough, this fact becomes very clear ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Mahalo Pappy...yes over a period of time in recovery Fear was the opposite of Faith and Faith the opposite of Fear and I'm grateful for your insight also as you have written here. It is important for me to see those connections otherwise I would be acting out an entirely different behavior to what happened last November. I learned from my Higher Power that Love does go beyond a feeling. Feeling loving isn't the same as being loving and acting loving at all times inspite of boundaries. When I was looking at a picture of it inaction HP asked me how I saw the picture and I said it was the absence of fear to which my Higher Power responded Yes...Love; and I came to understand deeper. I still am.
