Sometime quickly - sometimes slowly - it will always materialize if we work for it.
That peace and serenity I can be an example of is trickling into my whole family wanting what I've got these days. Not just my husband who couldn't stand not being in the know anymore after about 6 months and joining alanon - but my sister now, my Mom, my Dad... the whole family can learn from example... and the whole family is sick... but this program and our hp has answers for all of us. And we all just so happen to be starving for answers and a better way. That helps. No sense at looking back at all the time we spent without the instructions, we have them now, and it's what we do with them that counts today.
Today, I am at just under 9 months sobriety. I've been in the program for a year. It seems like a long time to wait to you I'm sure - it did for me - but in all reality, it's very fast for such a monumental change to be occurring. I can't believe I'm saying this, because I still like to barrel down the road pedal to the medal myself, but giving things time is the most respectful thing you can do to yourself and everyone else.
We don't walk up to our loved ones and say - hey you gashed your hand open like 6 weeks ago. Hurry up and heal that up now!!! It's impossible to control the time things need to heal. We have to wait. We can offer our love - we can be compassionate - we can sit quietly and hold someone's hand while they cry when it still hurts. We can offer hugs, and we can accept the anger that goes along with pain when they say "no". We can remember that it's just part of the healing process, and it teaches us how to accept peoples boundaries in the meantime. I needed to learn all about that anyway - so it all seemed to work out exactly as it was suppose to after all. When my dog was hit by a car, I knew to be careful not to go to close when it was in pain, that it could lash out. That's a natural process, and I understand the boundaries of animals because I don't have high expectations. I could easily love her through the negative behaviors while I waited for her to heal and get back to herself.
I needed to apply that thinking to my human loved ones. So as it turns out, our healing is all happening exactly how it is suppose to, so that we may heal properly. Just like a laceration to the hand will heal properly if we allow it time and love.
You and your family are wounded. You have ripped off the band-aide (alcohol) and now you're exposed to fresh air. It might sting for a little while, but it will pass, and you'll feel better then ever if you keep the faith.
Best wishes, Tasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 18th of December 2012 04:46:42 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Do what you need to do, just don't pick up that first drink. It won't make anything better. Congrats on six weeks! :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
keep up the wonderful work! one day at a time is the best we can do. The AA promises really work. insecurity will leave us... maybe not immediately, but it will happen one day at a time. being with other recovering alcoholics and going to meetings helped me tremendously, and my sponsor. a few of the people i met at meetings became good friends... and instead of thinking of having a drink, i could choose to have a cup of coffee or a hot chocolate. one day i was walking through my town (did not have my drivers license back yet) and noticed how many bars there were on the street where i was. i knew what could happen if i kept thinking about all those bars, so i found a fast food place and bought a strawberry milkshake... it saved the day. it was a hot day and the sugar satisfied that craving and got me through that weak moment. keep coming back. jj/sheila
Welcome to the board! Glad you posted and are reaching out. 6 weeks sober was a big week for me! 40 days in a row seemed impossible at one time in my life. You're doing great!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Congrats on 6 weeks ... that's a toughy ... just remember: There are 2 things that alcoholics hate ... 1) The way things are ... and 2) Change ... and I've learned that things in recovery are constantly changing and for the better ... over time, I've changed to the point I love going to meetings rather than feeling I 'have' to go ... I pray you experience this too ...
Love ya brother and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well,
I have a sponsor, go to meetings, call people on my list, pray countless times a day, and I am on my 4th step. The wife doesn't drink thank God or leave my ass. However she is going through a lot of shit now that I'm sober the focus isn't on me anymore. She has good days and bad days. I have suggested Al anon she has a counselor and some friends to talk to. I see her struggle and I feel so helpless. Please tell me it gets better. Leaving her alone is not easy.
I'm not going to say to leave your wife alone, but when I was six weeks in, I did not possess the knowledge nor the experience to be able to guide my wife's way of dealing with things in any logical direction ... every situation is different of course, but it sounds like you've done the right thing so far ... Suggest Al-Anon, but don't demand it ...
My biggest problem in early recovery was that as I gained more sobriety time and became closer to my 'Higher Power', I wanted this same type of 'Spirituality' for my wife too ... let me tell you, if your wife is anything like mine, they don't really care for an old broken down alcoholic telling them how to reach spiritual nirvana ... the only way I found to get the message across to her was to 'live' the program ... in a few short years, she saw that I had indeed changed into someone she could love again and became more interested in just what it was that made me so 'at peace' with everything ... (if you work it right, people that know you will at some point come to you and ask what it was that changed you into someone they like to be around now) ...
So right now, I recommend you continue to work on 'you' ... in time, you'll know how to handle other situations at home as they arise ... of course running certain issues by your sponsor is highly recommended ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Everyone is so right. Good suggestions. This is a emotional roller coaster sometimes it is overwhelming. I remember a few weeks ago I never felt so alone even though surrounded by people. Why is that?
This is a emotional roller coaster sometimes it is overwhelming. I remember a few weeks ago I never felt so alone even though surrounded by people. Why is that?
Hey HJF, ...
Because you were so alone in your mind ... and still are to some degree ... you see?, ... early in the program, I was told by my sponsor: He said I know what your problem is ... I said what is my problem? ... he said it's your 'thinking' ... I said what's wrong with my 'thinking'? ... it said it's bad ... I said how much of my 'thinking' is bad? ... he said we usually start with 'all of it' ... and if we find there's any of it that's any good, we'll let you know ...
Ya see? ... I'd built this wall around me without knowing it ... I was selfish to the extreme when alcohol got it's way ... alcohol became my master and prison gate keeper ... I was it's slave for all practical purposes ... I gave up my life for alcohol ... alcohol was my closest friend (and worst enemy) ... when I gave up my friend, I became extremely lonely even though there were others around trying to make friends with me and guide me in the direction I needed to go to escape King Alcohol's firm grip on me ... It's a loneliness I'll not soon forget ...
But as Tasha stated from the BB, sometimes quickly --- sometimes slowly ... the promises always materialize if we work for them ... and loneliness will be a thing of the past soon enough ...
Love ya man and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Congrats on 6 weeks HJF. Your 1/2 way to 3 months, which is a crucial period to remain sober. Try not to think too much in the first 90 days. Just don't drink one day at a time, eat, sleep, work, repeat. Keep your head down and your mouth shut most of the time and you'll do fine lol.
Don't give in to those thoughts. Our body's and minds go through a lot of adjusting in early sobriety. It takes 3 months usually for our heads to stop spinning. Spouses suffer from a lot of fear when their significant other is getting sober. There is a certain amount of security, in the relationship, with an alcoholic. It's familiar and when that begins to change it's disturbing. Try to be extra kind to your wife, and see how that works.
Ya my wife kept saying that the first few weeks. That she didn't know who I was and said I was predictable and now I'm not. She had been very confused. Never thought she would be fearful
Your wife has a right to be fearful ... you're going through some changes and the future is uncertain ... she's probably thinking what if this man I married turns out not to be the man I married ... you see, we become different persons when we drink ... it changes our whole perspective on life ... when we recover from our 'spiritual' sickness, we become better people ... in time, others come to love the new us ... I've never seen it fail ... (on the outside chance your wife fell in love with the alcoholic you, there may come some differences she will need to adjust to) ... only time will tell ... the main thing is you must concentrate on 'you' getting better right now ... like Dean said:
Try not to think too much in the first 90 days. Just don't drink one day at a time, eat, sleep, work, repeat.
It does get better, just don't do anything stupid, like picking up the bottle(or can) ... this may be uncomfortable for a little while, but it's nothing like the pain you're in for if you drink ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hang in there HJF, you probably have a copy of the big book by now. It would be helpful maybe for you both to read "to the wives" and "the family afterwards." If your wife feels better about checking out alanon and what it's about, she could try the alanon board here at MIP also.
My guess is that you were disengaged and numb when drunk so you were not aware or caring exactly how much she was going through. Be kind but give each other space if you can.
For a good several months it felt like I was truly retarded and that I did everything better drunk. Your mind is still foggy even though you might not recognize it. This is really the time to just keep putting together those 24 hours at a time and keep it simple. Don't confuse yourself with relationship drama. Sobriety is priority number 1. Keep it that simple.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Pinkchip thx
There is a lot if drauma and I over anylize everything including what she is doing. We were detached for quite some time. I'm always in my mind with chatter. But this forum is helping me. She's on the MIP al anon site thank God reaching out.
Okay from my experience "It does get better"...take care of your sobriety and allow her to take care of her serenity. When I got sober I had to face emotions I never knew existed like real love and compassion and empathy...those made me very uneasy and sometimes came with ringing in my ears however there is our fellowship and I had an army around me that helped me believe "Me too"!! Don't forget you know how to hug her and tell her "it's going to be okay...this too will pass". I am a member of the Family Groups also and if you have locations with dual meetings at the same time ask them if they do home visits where they come talk to the spouse. Just ask cause the information is valueable. Stay in today. Man any day sober is the best day in my life regardless if I'm adding or not. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Having a hard time with insecurity. Finally letting go and letting GOD. Hard to take a step back from the situation.