I took the suggestions in the 2 steps back thread. My sponsor offered a "this too shall pass", and she was right too.
I stayed open to new experiences, putting the past ones behind me. I prayed for those I was feeling let down by.
I remembered that even though I may not have lots of friends in the program, I have literally dozens of acquaintances that would be a better friend to me in a heartbeat, than anything I've experienced in this regard throughout my entire life. I hugged them and made sure to speak to them kindly when I saw them these past couple of days.
I went to several meetings, and plan to keep on with that for a while. I can only be available to new experiences if I show up.
I felt so disappointed that I still have to go to so many meetings, and do so much to maintain my serenity. I thought after almost a year in the program, and 9 months of sobriety, I could back off a little and start integrating back into my family and social life more by now. I still pray to have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Today, I know that my time is not wasted. The time away from my children is the only reason I have them. The only reason we have any good times at all. My idea's of how things should be aren't right. Same old story.
I told my husband about how I was feeling, and apologized to him for how irritable I was behaving... that I will do what it takes to get better and that I can not do it alone... I get to see that clearly again.
Things didn't turn out perfectly, and that's okay, because it's exactly how it's suppose to be.
As Mr. David would say: Onward.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You are not alone Tasha, ... Many of us have experienced the situations and feelings you still happen to be coming across ... they don't all completely disappear as if by magic, they will still come around and test our sobriety from time to time ... but as we mature in this program, we learn to use the tools we've been given to address such matters ... it's how 'newcomers' become 'old timers' ... it just means the struggles you've had lately are telling you you are human, like the rest of us ...
I think you're doing great to vocalize your concerns rather than keeping them bottled up inside, no pun intended ... LOL (it's how we grow)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am glad you are taking the steps towards regaining your serenity. I had to chuckle when you mentioned social life because I now think of AA as a huge part of my social life, much more so than I even could have imagined. Keep coming back, it works...and I know you know that, lovely one. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
The effort is worth it Natasha. When I came into recovery over 25 years ago, my children were 2 & 5 years old. When I was drinking I hardly saw them and now sober I was seeing even less of them. As I started to hear the sharing of others, and I heard some horrific stories. Some people had lost their children through neglect and others were not able to see their children because the children did not want them. Some children had become drug addicts.
The most tragic event was the son of my sponsor, who is the same age as my daughter, 30 years old, committed suicide last month. He could find no solution for his drug addiction.
Stay in recovery, as painful as it may seem, your children will respect you and thank you for it. Mine do. In fact your children will have a set of spiritual principles to live by. My children used the 12 steps in their lives.
Wish you well and God bless.
-- Edited by gonee on Wednesday 19th of December 2012 02:55:29 AM
The 'absurdity of anything alcoholic'; that would be the title of my autobiography if I ever wrote one. It's absurd to even think about, the false promise of another drink, but I guess it's just part of the deal. That tiny part of me that still harbors a belief that drinking normally again could be a possibility doesn't exist today. There's not even one iota of truth behind that logic, especially in this stage of recovery.
I do agree with your previous post (2 steps back): Sobriety does seem tougher to latch on to when your young. I made my first serious attempt at 25 - I had some fairly compelling reasons fueling my effort at the time, but it turned out to be half measures nothing more. A couple of weeks or so later I started circling around the thought of another drink; staying sober seemed almost impossible. To keep up with the ever changing landscape, I had to change much about my life or fail trying. I felt royally gypped and unable to reconcile who I was without the drink or worse. Suffice it to say, after seven years and countless tragedies later, I dearly wish I had done things differently and stuck it out back when. I hope you do.
It was pretty startling to realize how deep that deception lies. Sometimes we find ourselves at a curious crossroad wondering what we should do next. It's like we're waiting for the next shoe to drop, or worse. But suddenly I remembered- I also want to take myself seriously and make the appropriate changes to live what I assumed was a victorious life. I never wanted to surrender to those impulses again, like I once did, and A.A. is where that all began. I usually talked my way out of sobriety every single time I run up against an imperfect moment. But this time I gave myself at least a fighting chance at surviving. All I had to do was stop reaching for the glass absent mindedly like I once did and give recovery a fighting chance. And so have you Tasha. Your making the necessary changes that will prove worthy over time, so be proud of that. The next stop for you is the 1 year mark. You'll make it dear, just wait and see.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 20th of December 2012 03:47:18 AM
