I know that regrets are futile. I know this intellectually. Most of my regrets are pretty minor and I can see past mistakes and poor decisions in a reflective manner- you live and learn. There is one, however, that has been on my mind as of late. My grandmother passed on when I was 19 years old. I was blessed to have this woman in my life for that long. She may be the only person I can honestly say I loved purely, unconditionally...and I know it was reciprocated. We truly had a special bond- I was the only girl in the family so she taught me from a very young age how to be a lady-like old world lady. Like how to sit properly, don't cross your legs in church..all these silly little things that I notice have become a part of me. She was just a classy, elegant woman who came over from Ireland and worked her butt off cleaning people houses, but kept her quiet, dignified grace regardless. I looked up to her tremendously and loved her very much. Well, little lady Colleen grew into a wild punk rock teenager full of booze and angst- though my grandmother certainly did not approve of my behavior, her door was always open to me... Even at 3am getting dropped off by the police at 13 years of age. Never lectured or raised her voice, just made me a sandwich, some tea, and made me say the rosary haha. I stole money from her ( broke into her home to do it.. Multiple times), couldn't be bothered to visit her while she lay ill and close to death ( though she asked for me repeatedly).. I lost all the family heirlooms and clothing she knitted for me with her arthritic hands. I was a real piece of s**t to put it simply. Every time I think of her a cold, nauseous shame washes over me. BUT I remember her speaking of her brothers, father and husband being visited by 'the trouble' ( I had no idea this meant alcoholism when I was younger and she spoke of it). I remember her devout Catholicism, and it's the faith I turn to now, though I once scoffed at it as the 'opiate of the masses'. Ya, I was real smart and had it all figured out when I said things like this to her. She's still with me, and I know she understands how terribly and deeply sorry I am for all the harm I inflicted. It reminds me of the person I was when I began drinking, and why I never, never under ANY circumstances want to be that person again. The faith she instilled in me is helping me to become the person she saw and believed me to be. Just had to get that out.. Thanks for listening:)
WOW Colleen, ... this was a real 'open the heart' testimony ... and you managed to hit me right where it counts, the conscience of my heart ...
You see, my relationship with my Mom was much the same as you described above, only from a 'boy's' point of view ... I treated my Mom horribly while in the midst of my drinking years and she wanted nothing more than the best for me ... she led a perfect example of what a parent should be, but I turned to 'self-centeredness' just the same ... she never pushed me to change and never put me down ... My Mom was religious (and so was my Dad) and tried to teach me the right way to live life, but I insisted on doing everything my way ... and I sometimes feel the terrible 'guilt' you speak of when I remember her being in the hospital and me spending very little time with her ...
This program saved me from dying of 'regret' for such things ... my sponsor recommended a 'grave-side' amends and prayer session, which I did ... it really brought all my shame to the forefront of my mind and I dealt with it according to the steps of AA ... I am confident that my Mom was there with me while I did so, and I'm also confident of her forgiveness in my actions of the past ... and it is this knowledge that has given me peace now where there once was soul sickening guilt ... without this program, I would have continued to be one sick b*stard ... (okay, maybe I'm only slightly better now, but at least sober) ... LOL
So, what I'm saying, is that it might do you a world of good to visit your Grandma ... and tell her how you feel 'today' ... that you have worked hard to change into that girl she always wished you would be ... (this made a HUGE difference in my recovery and relieved a ton of guilt off my back ...)
Love ya sister, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you for sharing that heart-felt testimony, Colleen. I believe most of us carry such regrets. Thanks goodness that AA helps us address them and move on in a positive manner. I'm sure your grandmother is proud of who you've become.
I love the honesty Coleen, and your Grandmother knows you love her, and she would be proud of how you reflect her. Since you can't make amends to her, just know that a woman like that would have forgiven you in a heartbeat and forgotten the past just as quickly. Thank you for reminding us all of what our disease has done to our past and what our program promises.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
(((Sis)))...thanks cause this reminds me of the early lessons of not letting the remorse, regret, shame and guilt define me...picture myself without it and standup tall...of course that mean't a "searching" ..."fearless"...and "moral" inventory of it. That included tallying up the dollars I stole and doing a payback as best I could which a time or two included interest added and then laying it to rest. I found that I started recognizing the person I was then before the disease made it's height. I didn't feel those toxic negative emotions without booze before getting into recovery so feeling them without booze was quiet a sickening feeling and now it's done. Get done with it and get back to the "Col" your HP designed in the first place. Probably and awesome creation. Keep coming back
Col wrote:The faith she instilled in me is helping me to become the person she saw and believed me to be. Just had to get that out.. Thanks for listening:)
Amen sister. That line says it all. Keep that momentum going.
That was awesome and very touching. Picaposie is right in stating that I think we all have regrets like that. Mine is that I never even went to my uncle's funeral. Never reached out to my cousins whom I grew up with cuz I couldn't be bothered and I didn't have the emotional maturity to know how to give condolences or grieve. I got sober a few years later. Turns out my uncle was a social worker, an alcoholic, got several years sober in AA before dying suddenly of a stroke. My apple fell closer to that tree than my own parents. I often pray and wish he was here to talk to because he would have been my 1 and only family member with knowledge and experience in AA. I regret not knowing more of his story with AA...more so, I regret not going to his funeral and being there for the rest of my family.
I had to make amends to my cousins as part of 8th and 9th steps.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I understand and agree with the others that there are moments, more than a few, that happened in my past that I wish, at times, I could erase or change. When that pain overwhelms me I try to remember the lesson to be learned from it so the actions from my past are not in vain. Mistakes are one way I learn, and as I grow in my spiritual life I pray I don't have to make the same ones again but instead can be blessed with the knowledge that to know better is to do better and I ask for guidance in taking the next right action.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Yes, she is still with you and she is part of you. I also have a few people who I think kept me from giving up.
Your grandmother is a great example of a women who worked her program the best she could, and looked to help and give back to others.
We will not regret the past nor wish to close the door on it, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
Get/keep you own house in order, stay active in the fellowship and some punk rock girl full of angst and trying to get off booze will someday appear again. We all get our chance. Do God's will and the regret will fade into experience we needed in order to be of service to others.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
