I guess the thing about this mental slip in recovery, or maybe it's an entire relapse - I don't know - is that I see clearly the drink, and I just wont take it out of pure stubbord will.
All the friends I've made are gone. They've either relapsed, or just stopped calling me back.
There doesn't seem to be anyone else left to chose from... no woman left.
I do not have the funds to be driving 100 miles to meetings to meet new people.
My old sponsor spoke of this problem several months back, and I was too knew to grasp what she was talking about, or that she was in a real predicament - being sponsorless herself, and the butt of gossip in this small town.
I'm starting to know who's who around here, and I've met everyone there is to meet.
It feels strange.
Now, that other place I didn't understand, but heard lots of people talk about is becomming pertinent too: Is this all there is?
My old sponsor said she was thinking of reaching out to the city for a sponsor. I have no idea how to go about this, or if it's recommended. I could drive to the city once a month probably, but that's not enough meetings for me.
I'm falling away. Discontent. Blood boiling. Yelling at my kids again. Knowing what I'm suppose to do to get out of the funk, but gritting my teeth through it. Irritable to say the least.
(Oh yes, and this does seem to happen like clock work this time of the month)
BUT - each month it's worse, and yesterday, my brain was telling me booze would relax me, and there was just no other way - yet my body still recoils as if from a hot flame, so now I'm stuck in this dry drunk crap and wow... it hurts.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 16th of December 2012 09:55:13 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There were times like that, well maybe not just like you're going through, being a woman 'n all, but there were times I had to ask myself, is this all there is? ... trust me, I know the feeling ... my sponsor would say 'isn't this enough? what more do you really need? ... would you rather be back to being 'passed out' on the couch and ignoring your family and friends ... would you rather be one step away from being homeless? ... not just being out of shelter, but having your whole family dis-own you? ...
My sponsor would say, Roger, just what is it you're lacking? ... He would say to make a 'Pro & Con' list for taking that next drink ... and he would say if that doesn't give you some perspective, then by all means do a gratitude list, right now, right this minute ... and if you decide you'd be much happier taking that drink and going into oblivion with not a care or ounce of love for anyone but yourself, go right ahead, I'm not stopping you ... Then he would say please call me and let me know how all that works out for you ... you know, if it really did make everything better or not ...
He told me just because I'm sober right now, doesn't mean everything is going to be just the way I want it, everything is not going to be free of pain ... he said pain is how we learn, pain is how muscles learn to grow and strengthen, pain is how we learn to seek out God for the power to strengthen mind, body and soul ... he told me to drink is to 'give up' on life itself ... he said, hell, to drink again for you, they may as well go ahead and start digging your grave ... cause to drink is to go ahead and put one foot in that grave right now ...
Love ya, now I want you to love you, God Bless, Pappy
P.S. I'll bet you a dollar to a doughnut, there are twenty mothers today that wish they still had there kids to yell at today ... we should all 'count our blessings', AND pray for those who don't have their kids today ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 16th of December 2012 10:31:54 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Sometimes I find if I turn the volume down. I can hear. While I am listening, I can see. Every thing I need is within my arms reach. All is well. Toad
Ya know the saying " this too shall pass " ? It will, but sometimes it passes like a kidney stone. I've been in small town AA, and generaly speaking there are two groups. The club group, and the people who wouldnt step foot in the club if their life depended on it, or unless they were picking up a chip. Dont know if its like that there or not. I live in NV and thats the way it is here. I went back to NY where Im from and they dont have clubs there. Any way, there may be some validity to your perseption of whats going on, but more then likely its time for you to change again. If its true there are no woman there, then, you be there for the next one that comes through the door. Go to meetings to see what you can bring rather then what you can get, just like you do here. Getting sober and growing up here is a prosses just like they say. First it gets worse, then it gets better, then it gets different, then it gets real, then it gets real different. Keep pluggin along sister, your right where your supposed to be, ya know how i know, cause its right where you are. This will pass and be different. Getting through it gracefully is not a requriment, go kicking and screeming if you have to, just keep going.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
This thing wants to kill us. It'll take everything it can and throw it at us. It'll magnify every problem and create things out of thin air to confuse and weaken us.
Mahalo Tasha...I just love it when one member can stir up the recovery pot of the many. I love the empathy the group brings to the program of another member and I just love to see that act of courage a member displays when they say "No" another time. This was how I was taught and this is what I have done. It works when you work it.
I am an oppositional definant alcoholic...I defiantly kept drinking not ever acknowledging that my life was over...ashes and then I defiantly kept saying no to the AA fellowship who suggested that maybe their program of recovery could help me regain my sanity and then I defiantly said "NO" to the disease...you are not taking my life so damned easily...not now...not ever and today is another "NO" day...I'll do anything else that works instead of drink. "NO" is a complete sentence and drinking is "NO" option.
Thank you soooo much for reminding me of it. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 16th of December 2012 06:47:32 PM
JD, I haven't read the other replies because I'm short on time. I would redouble your commitment to make it to a year sober. When you say "100 miles" to a city meeting, is that round trip? You mentioned getting a new car annually (in the past) have you thought of getting a prius? I bought my wife one last january. She's getting and average of 46 mpg, so I guess a trip to the city would run about $7 round trip (based on 100 miles). Honestly, your sobriety is worth the trip and even worth giving up your "Green Acres" place out in the country and moving closer to the city, to be able to make meetings. You'd certainly do it if you had cancer and needed to have daily treatments for it. We've had dozens of folks come on here and talk about "meetings are impossible" because they live on some remote island or way out in BFE (bum **** egypt for the uninitiated lol) and it seems like all of them were not willing to move closer to AA. From this side of the recovery process it's a no brainer.
The rest of your feelings and comments about your feelings are typical stuff brought on by complacentcy. It's all between our ears and feed by a lack of spirituality. Get busy my friend.
Tasha, I hope you hang in there! I liked what Pappy said about the kids...and it is so true. I live in a small town too and I don't go to their meetings. I drive over an hour to get to my meetings...and I live on a very small income. I only get to go to 2-3 a month...but I come here every day to see what I can bring...and I come away with a lot. Breathe in and breathe out. Have you tried an online sponsor? There used to be a list, but I can't remember where. Google it...or ask someone here. We're all in this boat together and we support each other in recovery. Is that all there is? Change the station and sing along to Rubber Ducky instead! Keep you chin up, girlfriend!
First it gets worse, then it gets better, then it gets different, then it gets real, then it gets real different. Getting through it gracefully is not a requriment, go kicking and screeming if you have to, just keep going.
Hey BillyJack, ... afraid I'm going to have to steal your comment above ... Never heard that one ... love it ... thanks
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
First it gets worse, then it gets better, then it gets different, then it gets real, then it gets real different. Getting through it gracefully is not a requriment, go kicking and screeming if you have to, just keep going.
Hey BillyJack, ... afraid I'm going to have to steal your comment above ... Never heard that one ... love it ... thanks
If its true there are no woman there, then, you be there for the next one that comes through the door. Go to meetings to see what you can bring rather then what you can get, just like you do here.
There is the soloution, right there. Nothing will so much insure imunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. God has put an amazing opportunity in your path. All you have to do is turn up and be there for the new woman. You can carry the message, you can be the sponsor. You have been given the power to help others. Remember it's a God job. He will give us what we need if we perform his work well. Have faith Tasha, it will be OK.
Hey Tasha, Ok, you hit a wall. No one said this was easy. I had a coach once that would tell us: "What I had, I gave. What I saved, I lost-forever" This meant you gave it all when times were tough. Do not save anything. You have already "trained" hard in AA. Trust in your training. One of the things it seems we do not do very well is face our demon. It is like on Harry Potter where everyone was afraid to name Voldemort. Instead, they appeased him by calling him "he who must not be named". Girl, you have a Demon that wants to kill you and fuck up your family and your kids life by taking you. It is that serious. Face your Demon and do battle. Leave nothing behind. Do not "save" anything in this effort. OK, how does that match AA? I thought we were just supposed to surrender and do some steps? The answer is here. On MIP or in your group. You have done the right thing. You have come here with your issue. No one here on this team is better or worse than you. Again, it is like we are teammates. We all have strengths and weaknesses. You have been a Rock Star so far with how fast and how far you have come, and now you have an injury and are trying to play in pain. Let us carry the burden for a bit. You lost a part of your "magic" which were a few members in your group that you identified with. They will always come and go. In times like this, you need to have faith. The program has already prepared you for this by introducing you to a HP. You rely on your training. You rely on yourself. You give it to your HP. You reach out to us. BillyJack happens to be the Rock Star on this thread so far because he nailed it. This too shall pass--you just need to be there sober when it does. So, even if it seems weird, you need to verbalize to your Demon to get lost. This really seems to be a case of a star player just losing a bit of confidence because he/she had a bad day. (You are that star player) So, if there is no woman left (for now) innovate. Go with the next best thing till you figure it out. If it has to be a man, then fine. If you need to talk with a woman long distance, find one. Use the phone. PM one of the ladies here. Just get through this and save nothing in your effort. Give this some time and keep us in the loop! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I lease my car so it's a 3 yr contract with limited mileage. I would love to be able to afford a new car every year - but nope - not today.
Still, it's true - if I had cancer, I would find a way, and I need to treat myself like a priority again, thinking outside the box and get OUT of my pity pot. Thanks everyone for making me see that. It really means a lot to me that you're all always here, and you have no idea how much I appreciate you.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I had that feeling..."Is this all there is?" The answer to that is NO....more will be revealed...ALWAYS. Things may seem stale at times. Take on a service committment. My AA program just got real different in the last month due to new commitments and me trying harder to work the 11th step. My program changes, life changes, I change. If I'm not growing, it is because I am not challenging myself. Step out of your comfort zone. If you feel there is something missing in terms of female recovery, start a women's meeting of your own and sit there with 1 other person until the other women start showing up. Odds are there are other women near you that feel the same way. Start chairing meetings. Get involved with intergroup, General Service - plug into AA at a larger scale. The opportunities to participate and carry the message are almost endless.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
All of us are prone to those thoughts, Tasha, not just you. The ones that question our recovery I mean. Sometimes it gets better after a day or two, while at other times it never stops churning even for the life of me. I guess it's just part of the recovery process after all.
I try not to over analyze my thoughts like I once did; it seems to be a setup for something worse. I may actually begin to trust them again like I once did, and eventually end up drinking or worse. It seems to happen every single time. That's why acceptance is so important; it's a way of calming the storms of life before they actually happen.
I haven't had a drink in over 11+ years, but I have noticed some changes relating to my behaviors that can set the stage for something worse. I want to strike that set immediately so not to damage my credibility further. It's how I think, and other specific patterns, including responses, that seem to pull me over to the other side. That's why everything has to change. It's our way of starting anew even in the midst of so much uncertainty.
So here are a few guidelines that have helped me neutralize those anxious moments: 1. Brevity - If it takes too long to explain or articulate there's a good chance it's either untrue or unhelpful. 2. Flexibility - Learn to bend or be destined to snap. 3. Compassion - The most reasonable response to nearly everything in life. Certainly a good starting point. I hope these help.
Remember: Once I catch myself rationalizing, or trying to think up a good excuse, I know I'm headed for trouble. So don't go there either. Keep working on you, and the rest will fall into place over time. Guaranteed. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 19th of December 2012 04:48:17 AM
