I know we try to manage the past with 'it is what it is type attitude and I know and understand we have to accept it. However I have been stuck on whaty ift's and questionin alot of my life choices, most I an get over and move on. The one I have the hardest time excepting is my parents early passing, why did they live that life style why did they have to be the way they were, why did they not love us enough to change. If they didn't pass where would my life be........I'm sure is due to holidays nd uch but its been bothering me lately and I know we down drown in self pity. Someone made a suggestion of a local semi famous medium to look for answers closures. So I ask my friends, your thoughts, I want the good the bad and the ugly, I play out all types of sinerios and not sure why I think or what I really want.
Thanks again,
Flipper, no one thinks that the activities (lifestyle) they are engaging is going kill them. That's the root of denial "It won't happen to me". Eventually (better sooner than later) you're going to have to forgive your parents, except their humanness, the consequences and move on. All of this stuff from the past presents a real convenient way of putting off or not facing our own present issues. I see it as a form of procrastination. My first sponsor called it "Mental masturbation", a term that bothered a few people (hey if the shoe fits... lol) last time I typed it here. It's not a sexual term, it's a term to describe unnessessary, obsessive, self indulgent, mood altering mental activity. Whether it's producing feelings of titillation or bringing oneself down into shame, or depression, it's mood altering and WE cause it by dwelling on the past or the future, instead of living in the now. John Bradshaw wrote in several books about how we can be addicted to our feelings or emotions, even negative ones like anger, shame, guilt, remorse... because it is familiar and perhaps taught to us by one of our parents, either through modeling or our Parents trying to change our feelings. I know that I'm way outside of AA here, but this is stuff that I had to deal with, in other 12 step programs, because I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents. And this **** was keeping from getting and staying sober. Flipper, hanging around up in your head is a dangerous place to be. There's nothing there for you. I suggest that you practice changing the subject when you're mind wants to go there. It's got to be when you have time on your hands. Use that time to work on your AA program, or taking care of yourself in the way life demands us to. Get busy and stay out of your head. Leave that stuff for much later down the road, with a therapist perhaps, and concentrate all of your energy on Sobriety.
Flipper, what Dean said is EXACTLY what I do. Seems too simple to actually work, but just thinking about something else when crappy thoughts come, really does work! And the more you do it, the more you can actually begin to see that your parents, just like everyone else in the world, are simply doing the best they can with what they know/have... just like you were doing when you were addicted.
I feel sad for my dad who is still an alcoholic, that he can't see a way out, that he is soooooooooooo against AA. It's a miracle that I walked through the door after a lifetime of listening to my dad blather that alcoholism isn't a disease, that AA is just another thing people get addicted to, and that anyone can control their drinking. THEN - watching him begin to control it more now that he's in his late 60's, but basically, his body can't handle it anymore... he HAS to control it.
Anyway... I completely just only think about it now, when it's pertinent to talk with someone else like you about. Otherwise, I do not allow myself to think about it (the only thing I'm in control of in this regard is my own thoughts about it), and focus solely on whatever good there is to find. There is ALWAYS something good, even Dean above, who had nothing but shit hit the fan for as long as he lived can find something good about his parents. Even if it's just the fact that they gave birth to him, and he now can be unbelievably grateful for the life he has today, and the stuff he learned not to do while parenting, because of his own upbringing. He was able to know deeply that there had to be a better way - sought it out - and was more determined than ever to apply it to his own children, because he knew EXACTLY how screwed up they would be if he didn't... having lived screwed up as a result of the chaos in his own life.
I think there is a blessing to be found in everything. Some might disagree, and sometimes I disagree with myself when I'm having a shitty day... but I seem to come back to this thought regularly now, and it lifts me up and closer to my HP.
Lastly, I'm so sorry that you've gone through what you have. It's hard, and good for you for talking about it. Getting this hashed out a bit through the steps helped me tremendously. I hope the same for you, and sooner than later Flipper. Glad to hear from you, and Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
i think Dean hit the nail on the head ... and Tasha's share supports that well ... I had a lot of trouble with the 'what if's' in the beginning ... My sponsor told me my biggest problem was 'my thinking', that it was all wrong ... part of the healing process for me was experiencing what was called, in the Dr.s Opinion, the total psychic change ... I learned that what is in the past is just that, the past .... and just as I cannot look into the future, I also cannot go back and change the past ...
Early in my recovery, I sometime sat back and reflected upon my decisions early in life and so wished I had done things differently, but alas, I came to realize that no matter how much time I spent thinking these things in my mind, it wouldn't change anything ... I learned that the ONLY thing that matters is what I think and do TODAY, period! ... To go back to the past in my mind is to sit around on my pity pot and head for depression and I must ask myself, why would I invite that kind of thinking into my thought process???
I look for ways to move forward, not sit back and stagnate over things way beyond my control ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey Flipper...our heads are very entertaining! Dean is correct...it's a dangerous place to go! The old-timers told me to learn to laugh at my head...make friends with the voices...lol...they even named them for me. Bonnie is the mischievous one, Debbie tries to keep her in line. At one birthday meeting a friend of mine gave me a couple of pictures of me riding these dinosaurs and said to the crowd...just in case you ever wonder what Bonnie and Debbie look like! It was a hoot. This is sharable in the rooms...but don't try it out in the real world...they don't have a sense of humor! And when the "what if's" start up I have to remember that it could have gone either way. "If" it had been different, your life could have been a lot worse too. So be grateful and get on with the NOW! The old-timers also used to tell me...it's ok to have your head up in the clouds as long as your feet are planted firmly on the ground! Follow your feet! It is the "silly season" so hang tight! Good luck, my friend!
Yes, the what if's, should've & could've will leave us sick. They did to me. All of it is just mental noise from our diesase. It wants us to stay sick. It has power over us there. My Sponsor reminds me that Acceptance doesn't necessarily mean approval & we don't always have to understand "The Why's". We have to acknowledge reality-truth and move on. Life on life's terms. Always tough for me in the past. You have a chance to change. To break the cycle. To live a good life, despite what you head is telling you at this point.
As mentioned above, the past will sort itself out with work and in proper time. What worked for me was faith in The Process in the beginning. Going through The 12 Steps and having the Spiritual Awakening as a result of completing those Steps. The Promises decribed in the BB materialized and I had more clarity on the past, present and future. My faith change to a HP(God) that I still don't fully understand. My never fully understand. My attitude and outlook on life changed. I have a new freedom and happiness. It was a miracle. A gift. My past became the touchstone for acceptance, change and growth. It's available to all who seek it.
This seems strange coming from someone who was agnostic and still has no formal religion, but a little sentence in the big book (p14) has always worked for me, when I learned to apply it. "I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all." Simple, "God, please take these stupid thoughts away" is a prayer I use regularly.
You could go down the cognitive behavioural therapy route and develop "strategies" but this method never worked with me. As an alcoholic, you see, there was one thought I could never manage, never control, never remove, never beat back with the force of logic, and that was "a drink would be nice" The thoughts a sane person would have like "remember the last time" or "what about the consequences" just never came and that is the characteristic of the alcoholic. The inability to control how much I drank along with the total inability to manage the decision not to start drinking.
AA is not a self help program, and I am quite happy about that. It has put me in contact with a power greater than myself who literally solves all my problems, both major and trivial. A simple prayer asking for the right thought, action, or an inspiration, or direction is all that is needed. Sometimes it leads to action, sometimes acceptance, sometimes I begin to see how things in my past may be used to help others.
Good thread. The disease has taken many of my family members way too early, too. I watched and waited for my dad to die when I was little. They had me be in interventions which I'm sure just left me wondering even more why he engaged in compulsive behavior even though I told him I loved him and it hurt me. It really hurts, doesn't it? It makes us ask many questions of ourselves, including the what ifs. I think that is not just alcoholism, but the dysfunction of codependency. As a family disease, alcoholism hurts us all even when we aren't the ones drinking. Al Anon has helped me quite a bit to separate myself from others' disease. Now if I can just get a handle on my own! ; ) There was a reading in 24 hours a day a couple of weeks ago about being in the dark. If I recall it said that G-d will show us the light when ready, perhaps the other side. I thought to myself that maybe I will remain in the dark about some things and that is ok. If my higher power isn't showing me the answers I am demanding, then maybe that is just how it's supposed to be. I've had the what ifs since childhood, too, but since then I had an answer to it. What if what I wanted to have happen did, but the results were disastrous, much worse than I believe them to be now. I don't know why my higher power has taken my family so early. I may not ever. But more is to be revealed in my life, too. Thank you for your share.
