My husband pointed it out. He said "Honey, this feels weird to say, but I think this is the alcholic talking". I thought that no one sat by us at his Christmas party last night because of me. I went on about all the ways it was all about me all the way home.
Today, him having to leave for another week of training was ruining my life... I didn't chose this, I didn't sign up for this, poor poor me, my poor quality of life was all on him.
Smack
It hits me that I'm a selfish self centered being at the root, and I am spiritually sick.
What happened I wondered?
I went to way less meetings this week. I didn't call many people. I didn't work with other alcoholics much. I didn't do much reading. My big book has a layer of dust on it. Actually, I don't know if that's true. I don't even know where it is right now. Trying to save on gas money, babysitter money and not putting myself, and my sobriety first is the old tune I've sang many times before.
Look where it gets me. No gratitude. No appreciation for the things I have. Whining about "problems" that are actually gifts... I can't see it that way when I let my program go. Not yet. Not today. Can't seem to stay in this day at all.
Oh how I slip back ever so fast. My disease is always ready to grab hold of the tiniest thread of hope to live.
What a joy it is to be able to recognize it, share it and release it's power, pray for the people who have come into my storm, and at once... accept the things I can not change, and find courage in my HP to change the things I can TODAY!
I am so grateful for you : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
How incredible that you accepted your husband's feedback and that he presented it in an assertive way. It sounds like progress, no? Thanks for helping this alcoholic yesterday. Love, Chaya.
our recovery is anything but linear, but rather 2 steps up and 1 step back. As long as we stay sober, the net result is moving forward. you've made such great progress in such a short period.
Agree with Dean. Progress is also all about recognizing your lapses. You would never have known your were getting "off center" before. That, in and of itself, is progress.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Tasha! Great post. So true, we have to stay vigilant every day. The old thinking and habits can come back so quickly. Like others have mentioned, we look for progress and not perfection. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. We get medallions for progress, not diplomas. We never graduate from The Program. You're doing great! Thanks for the reminder today.
That's really cool that you recognized this. I have also been feeling the self-centeredness and selfishness. I missed a meeting last week and stopped calling my support group on a regular basis. Then I was relying way to much on my sponser. I appoligized to everyone around me in the past week and I am very gratefull that I have aa women to talk to! I also have started reading the big book and it makes me feel better even if its only a page. Also, I have been doing a journal that my sponser set up for me, so I am trying to get out of this as well!
That's great Britney - you are an inspiration to me with how hard you are trying. I admire that in people. It's not so much the outcome, but how hard they tried for it, and if they keep trying even when things get tough : ) Keep coming back!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
