Hey all:) I am currently working on my 4th step ( for 2nd time, cuz my first attempt was not very honest). I think that I am done with the resentment list- I feel as though I have been very honest and thorough. My sponser does not agree. I'm really just looking for advice from those that have completed their 4th step, or from those that have guided someone else through this process. I feel as though I might be 'missing something'... I have about 50 listed, both major and rather trivial. My sponser suggests that i have about 20 more listed before we proceed. Is this typical? I dunno, I'm confused as to why there must be a certain number for my sponser. It seems a little strange.
Personally 70 or even 50 sounds like a lot, but like Dean said comply with your sponsor. Even if you have to go back to the bully in second grade .
I usually give the people I work with a 4th step worksheet that covers the 4 sections of the step, and has common defects/resentments etc, that can help jolt your memory after you have come up with your primary list.
Let me know and I can email it to you if you like.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Hey Rog - I am getting things in line to do another 4th and 5th because just like you said - I forgot a bunch of stuff even though I thought I was painstaking about the process!
Do the best you can Col - it's not over from here anyway like everyone has said. I'm only a few months out and already doing it again! It's just "part of the job" now.
First job I've ever loved doing... Best benefits you can find : )
-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 9th of December 2012 09:37:02 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks Rob, that may be helpful.. I've already listed the bully in 4th grade lol:) her reasoning is that since I had such a tumultuous and unusual upbringing including close to 20 foster homes I must have more resentments... I'll just try my best to comply.
I used a jolt your memory list after trying and trying on my own to come up with stuff and not having much. It really helped, and then I had such a long list that by the end of my 5 hour 5th step, we were just skipping people cuz it started to make sense at some point anyway, and the point really is to figure out what you are and why anyway (in my sponsors opinion, and mine now too I guess).
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
We listed people, places, things, and institutions...if you covered that you should be good. I always forgot about the institutions...and so have my sponsees! It's all in the book! (Like religous orginizations, and the government, and the institution of marriage...) Good luck, Col!
For me it was a moderately long list, BUT, no matter how 'thorough' I tried to be, there were others to add to it later ... so what I did was to be as honest and thorough as I could, then six months or maybe a year later, do some 'street cleaning' to make sure my side of the street was clean ... for me, it is an 'on-going' process ... it was not 'once and done' ... you know ? ... where it says 'we continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it' ....
I think also, it's a good idea to repeat the fourth step at least yearly, you know, like a store that needs to take their inventory ... it helps point out where we stand in recovery and to which direction we need to go ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I did the 4th step in a Narrative format describing key relationships dating back from as far as I could remember. I didn't just do "a resentment list" But I know other's who have and proceeded that way. Trust your sponsor I suppose. She wants you to be thorough. Did she really say you weren't being honest or just not being thorough? There's a difference. This is supposed to be "Painstaking from the very start" and it's important to be thorough.
When I did step 4 it was from and experiential model and it was a bit different than you are discussing. I wrote like a big narrative on the relationships I had and how they played out and the major challenges I could recalll throughout my life dating back to early childhood. So....I had resentments coming from early childhood, adolescents, young adulthood, leading up to today. The point was to cover who I was and where many of these defects originated (early on and with my family of origin and then how they played out later). The resentment filled stuff poured out in the process, but it wasn't a resentment list per say.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Btw, congrats Col on completing these two tough steps. 98% of the people who don't stay sober won't do these steps. Kudos for paying your dues and earning your seat at the table.
"Doing the steps" is just really a practice run for LIVING the steps. You cannot go wrong cuz you will be ideally living by these principles from now on. You want to be thorough but your understanding them and working them will evolve to deeper levels as you progress in the program.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Would you like me to really piss you off so you can add me? I'll do what I can to help. : ) Thank you for sharing your process. It helps me to see what I'll be doing in the future.
Would you like me to really piss you off so you can add me? I'll do what I can to help. : ) Thank you for sharing your process. It helps me to see what I'll be doing in the future.
LOL good one Chaya :)
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I've done the 4th step 6 times; each one more searching, fearless and moral and of course more time and patience. My last 4th was on the "tap root" of all of my problems. Guess how that one came out? Anyone?
yeah Rob, I had a page for every year that I drank. Took two evenings with a Catholic priest (25 years sober, who also performed the marriage ceremony to my 1st wife lol). He grew weary the second evening of my 5th step and cut it a bit short, saying "can't you see you did the same things over and over" (lying, cheating, stealing, hurting people...).
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