I have been told that rehab is necessary when folks can't even string one or 2 days sober together. I'm thinking that this might be one of those circumstances. Rehab could get her to the point where she is stable enough to work AA. Right now, she sounds like she's not there yet and alcohol has such a firm grip on her.

Is she still going to face to face meetings? I read that you met her at a meeting so it would seem she's already involved and attending AA but still drinking.  Online meetings aren't going to change that.  Face to face ones are at least going to get her out of the house and it's harder to literally drink in a face to face meeting.

Other than that, I might suggest a bereavement group or counselor to work on her grief issues.  I know there is another member here that will greatly relate to this woman's history.  Waiting to hear her take on this.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 6th of December 2012 09:56:10 AM

About a week ago, I met a young woman at a meeting that, through a strange connection, knows my son. She seemed so beaten down and we had a great vibe between us. She is coming up on the anniversary of the suicide of her fiance and cannot stop drinking. I talk with her daily and then, every night since we met, she is getting drunk and then calling me drunk. I cut the call short, tell her to go to bed and call me tomorrow, knowing that talking to a drunk person is pointless. She says she is alcoholic, needs to stop, knows she is at risk of drinking herself to death, says she wants help, then drinks again. Any guidance and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome Barbara!  Glad to have you here with us.  I had a Sponsee like the one you described.  Difficult to watch.  I've learn to detach.  Meaning- my primary purpose is to be helpful.  These folks are sick.  Watching was a good reminder.   I can't force anyone to stay sober.  They have to want it.  I carry the message, not the Alcoholic. I'm not powerful enough to keep someone sober or make them drink.  I try not to force The Program on someone who's not ready.  It may spoil a later chance for success.  I try to be helpful to the best of my ability and turn the results over the my HP(God).  Meaning- I will take calls and still bring these folks to meetings.  I stay sober by doing so.   

I agree with Mike B., you can't will someone to want to stay sober. There are so many in AA who truly want help, focus your energy on them, but let this other person know you're there for them when they're ready to stop drinking and take the program seriously. I had a woman from the program who used to call me like clockwork at dinner time, hammered and crying about how much her life sucked. I told her to call me when she was sober and hung up on her. Talking to a drunk person is like talking to a wall. Then I stopped taking her calls (caller ID). Using the anniversary of a suicide is just a way to justify her drinking. Drinking never made anything better, it made it ten times worse. She needs AA and some counseling. Best wishes.

Until she believes she is an alcoholic, and alcoholism is the ONE AND ONLY reason she drinks - she will not be able to see how she is using this incident or any other, as an excuse to drink. Yes, suicide sucks, but only alcoholics drink themselves drunk over it. Other people do normal things like cry, reach out, let people hug them, call their mom, talk to a counselor, go for a walk, pick flowers, journal, read, hang out with friends... ANYTHING they can do to be gentle with themselves, work through the grieving process and get to a place of understanding, forgiveness and empathy for self and the victim.

In my opinion, being the "other half" of someone who commits suicide is going to be impossible to deal with until she first deals with her alcoholism. It requires a lot of self care, gentleness with ones self, and the ability to identify feelings, express them and ask for help regarding them. Alcoholism will take those abilities away, making it impossible to move through the stages of grief, or even understand what self care means.

So, in my opinion - and this is just my opinion - she has a free ticket to drink which will keep a lot of people wondering "well, maybe this is just too hard to deal with". It's the perfect thing for an alcoholic to hang on to, because it is widely accepted by people as a "logical" reason to drink, even other alcoholics who know full well there is NO logical reason. There is no reason other than alcoholism.

None.

If she called me and tried to use that excuse, I wouldn't excuse her. I would tell her flat out that it's just an excuse, and I'm not accepting that excuse or any other. Her cat can die, her leg can fall off, she can have a bad hair day, she can find 20 dollars, she can win a million dollars and have 22 livers bought and paid for frozen in the cellar.

Whatever the reason or excuse - they are all crazy equally, when we say they make it okay for us to get blazin drunk and harm ourselves and those around us. Plain and simple: Don't worry about hurting her feelings when you say you're not going to buy into it - worry about saving her life. That's what I would do anyway.

((((BarbaraLu)))) Bless you : )

All the best to you,
Tasha

She might be suffering from depression and alcohol may be fueling that somehow. I would recommend some sort of therapy, maybe even a grief counselor. Losing someone that important can have a profound affect on us, so the best advice I could possibly give is for her to see a qualified professional. They can assess her condition further. Like I always say "A.A. for alcohol, therapy for the rest". That's how we work it.

Thanks for the update Barbara ...