I have made some more amends, this time through email, and a forward to several family members at that!! I didn't think I would be doing "group" or bulk amends when I first began this!!! LOL I had imagined that all my amends would be so huge - such big moments - I pictured the beautiful waterfalls in the back round and all that...lol. Never would have I suspected that each person would not get their own private "sit down".
My family has been really supportive, and it would feel really silly to do that now... my HP has made it clearer to me again.
As it turns out, my HP has another plan for me. When he inspires me to make amends, it seems to come at odd times, out of the blue, and sometimes just a simple email when the words are given to me in my heart.
Turns out - they don't require extravagant locations, money or much special planning at all. I guess I pictured them each being more like what I can only compare a wedding proposal - and that has been proven to be the farthest from the way it's gone.
It's very exciting as more is revealed to me - always proving to me that my best thinking is usually wrong lol. And for that matter - my Hp's is right : ) and always with me.
I would like to take this opportunity to ask you how you took the pressure off yourself - so to speak - about the amends, and let God guide you through this process. It would be fun to hear some stories about how things went askew when you didn't do that - or just anything you'd like to share about the amends process thus far for you : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I remember talking with my 1st sponsor about making amends. He asked what I planned to do. I told him that I planned to call a few people on the phone and he told me I should do it in person citing "made Direct amends, wherever possible..." This stuff takes time, especially since a number of mine were financial amends. Making a bit more difficult, I moved to FL at a couple years sober. I did wind up making a few by phone and mail. Email didn't exist then but it's the first time I've thought (heard of doing it) and it seems foreign to me. Maybe I'm getting old
Yes, these were people I had no specific amends to make to, but just felt like a general "I'm sorry for being cranky my whole life to you".
I think I read this garbage truck story here on this board and felt like apologizing for some of my garbage. It's a start to do more than just a living amends to these people that I have not actually done specific wrongs to.
Here was my email:
Hello all. Since you're all qualified for alanon now, here was a wonderful story I found from one of your fellows.
I know I have dumped on you guys many many times over the years. I'm so sorry for that. Hopefully I never have to be so full of garbage again, and I feel like my load is pretty light these days thanks to AA and the support and love you've shown me despite my problems.
One of the things that really pains me is to know some of you have "danced" to please me, or keep me happy, or keep me from dumping on you. I had come to expect such treatment, and that expectation is completely gone. I'm sorry I had it, and I'm sorry for what you went through.
Of course we all do the things we think are best with what knowledge we have. I have done some dancing myself. I have forgiven myself, and hope the same for you.
I'm am truly so sorry for the hurt, confusion and despair I've distributed among you.
This little story helped me today, and I hope it can help you too.
I love you, exactly the way you are, Natasha
The Law of the Garbage Truck by David J. Pollay
garbage-truckHow often do you let other peoples nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless youre the Terminator, youre probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of your success is how quickly you can refocus on whats important in your life. Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. And I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Heres what happened. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, the car skidded, the tires squealed, and at the very last moment our car stopped just one inch from the other cars back-end. I couldnt believe it. But then I couldnt believe what happened next. The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New York come with a special face. And he even threw in a one finger salute! I couldnt believe it! But then heres what really blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, Why did you just do that!? This guy could have killed us! And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, The Law of the Garbage Truck. He said:
Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, theyll dump it on you. So when someone wants to dump on you, dont take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Believe me. Youll be happier.
So I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street? It was then that I said, I dont want their garbage and Im not going to spread it anymore. I began to see Garbage Trucks. Like in the movie The Sixth Sense, the little boy said, I see Dead People. Well now I see Garbage Trucks. I see the load theyre carrying. I see them coming to dump it. And like my taxi driver, I dont take it personally; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
For me first time thru it was important that my 8th Step was fully digested ,I needed to make my list of all those I had harmed and then become willing.The list was complicated enough but even though I was here at Step 8 'BECOME WILLING" was tripping me up( even with my previous steps ,still at times hanging on to rationalizations self absorbtion etc, my character defects and shortcomings)Forgiveness and preparing myself spiritually to make amends by tapping into my Higher Powers strength and love as a protective force if and when I received negative reactions from my amends so it didn't cause me to lose hope.The growth of humility no matter how my amends were received brought about and still brings about the sense of freedom from the guilt and shame I caused.My spirit soared even after unpleasant encounters.I always remain "WILLING' and that is most important in my journey.Sometimes the only way I can make amends is acknowledging the changes in my attitudes and behaviors I have made.WE always contimue making our amends by asking ourselves"how free to we want to be!!!When we remember the steps weren't designed to make us happy and comfortable without bringing about growth.When we hear around the "it gets better" the "it is us.WE GET BETTER.My first wife was very receptive to my early amends, her husband still wanted to battle ,in the old days I would have gladly accomodated him.:).....WE do become better people,less willin to engage in destructive behaviors,less self-centered(big for this ole hardhead)we become aware of others and concerns of their wel being,aniger turns to forgiveness as WE are forgiven by that Power greater than us..We make amends to ourselves by taking care of our health our mental being and absolutely our spiritual being.Humility ,Love and forgiveness,this we will do day after day.We release our guilt and shame and maybe ,maybe not others anger.We follow our steps in order,we get to our amends from our previous(8th and before) work ,,,and we take a look in our 10th to how were doing.....Direct ,indirect as long as we become willing our results will bring us growth one way or another ,.More is always revealed!!! Thanks for sharing and the help today....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
My list magically appeared from my 4th step. I became willing to make amends because I knew full well that I would not recover if I didn't. I sought the guidance of my sponsor in planning each case to make sure my thinking was clear of wrong motives. This is the one step where things can go wrong in a big way. Part of my amends was to ask the offended party what I could do to make it up to them. It is really up to them what the amends would be. Mostly they were happy for me to continue on my new path. Though I was prepared for a hard time of it, I was blown away by the kindness and generosity of people.
Ah yes, I love the suggestion of asking if there is anything I need to make up for and apologize for, and if so WHAT I need to make up for and HOW can I please do that. I did this very thing with all these people I wrote this email to a while back as directed by my sponsor. All except one anyway, and they all said the same exact thing: We're just happy you're getting better.
To me that just doesn't seem like enough... though I want to respect that... I still feel like more apologies... even if so simple as an email are in order. But I do trust that my HP will reveal more : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
To me that just doesn't seem like enough... though I want to respect that... I still feel like more apologies... even if so simple as an email are in order. But I do trust that my HP will reveal more : )
Yup I can relate to that. For quite a while I felt that way and I think there was a little "false pride" involved. I had to recognise that, as long as I had honestly done my part, it was up to God, not me, to determine the outcome. People get a lot of pleasure out of being kind, generous and forgiving. If that is how they wish to be towards us, perhaps that is their own spirituality at work and it is certainly their right. Perhaps we can accept that for what it is and renew our resolve to continue on our new path and through our example show our sincerity.
The book offers plenty of guidance on amends, and the actions that might be required. It says a remorseful mumbling that we are sorry will not fit the bill at all, it gives examples of extreme lengths members have gone to to make restitution, including public statements and risk of jail. So its understandable we might feel some of our amends are inadequate.
But the book also says, particularly in respect of family, that people will be much more interested in a long term demonstration of our new way of living, practicing the principles in all our affairs.
This 'making amends' is certainly a tough issue to address ... I hesitated to respond due to the length of the post I felt like typing out ... (I'm still visiting at my son's house and have limited time on the computer) ...
For me, the amends process has become a life-long process ... meaning that when you've drank and treated so many people wrong for so many years, this task seems to become almost impossible ... But like Mr David said, you simply start at the beginning of the list and start cleaning house ... I drank for 35 years, so my list was quite long too ... but when I finally got around to all those people that I still have contact with, I started on those that I had 'chance' meetings with ... meaning those who I may never ever see again, but run into them at some 'off-the-wall' place ... I am always prepared to make an amends in those situations now, and it is comforting that I can do so and go on ...
But going back to the start, I like what Dean said, that he, and so did I, started with those first off, that money or property was involved with ... (the financial amends) ... and making a 'direct amends' was key for me to be satisfied that I had worked the step properly ... I tried this before when I first came to AA, but I always slighted the person I made amends to by leaving the money, or property, compensation out of the picture ... this didn't work to my benefit in the program because I couldn't progress spiritually until such time I made the money amends ... my sponsor actually went back and repaid IRS for the money he cheated them out of when he was in his drinking career ...
An example ... I kept telling my wife for months, that I was going to clean out a certain closet in our house at the time ... and that if she had anything in there she wanted to keep, she'd better get them out and do something with them ... well, I finally DID clean out this closet and found $1200 dollars in one of about 16 purses (pocket-books) that she had in there ... I threw away about 10 of those purses, holding onto the best looking 6 or so ... when she found out, she was a little upset but never said anything because I did warn her so many times of my intentions ... (she THOUGHT I had simply thrown the money away)
When I came back to AA to stay, I told my sponsor about this, among many other things, and he said you have to give her back the money ... I said why? ... he said you stole it ... I said, but she knew what I was going to do ... he said that's doesn't matter, you knew it was hers and you took it anyway ... I said, BUT it's been so long I don't even thing she'll remember it ... he said that doesn't matter, you did a bad thing and you need to make it right ... I said, BUT I don't want to hurt her (you know, where if making amends will hurt them or others part) ... I said I have tremendous guilt over this and I don't want her to feel like she can't trust me because of this ... my sponsor said, trust me, it's going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt her, but then she'll realize that you are, in deed, becoming the person she always want to believe in and trust because your 'honesty' will shout volumes .... Sooo atfer months of stashing away every dollar I could, and forgetting about the new gun I wanted, I got up $1300 to give back to her ... (100 more than I took, cause it was such a long time ago) ... and I made the amends when me and my sponsor thought it to be the right time ... (ALWAYS consult your sponsor on 'timing' here ... it does make a difference) ...
The amends was awkward at best, but when I was done, I felt the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders ... she took it very well, so well in fact, that our relationship improved a thousand times over ... and I walked away a happy, sober husband who could now be trusted after years of dishonesty and lying and cheating ...
This program does work if you work it ... it's not all peaches and cream, but it makes life worth living ...
Love Ya'll and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Wednesday 5th of December 2012 09:57:59 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My list was quite long I must say. It was so long actually, that I didn't know quite where to begin. I had to start somewhere, though, but where to begin was beyond me. So I started with the first person on my list, and worked down from there. It wasn't easy, but the payoff was worth it. I hope it has a happy ending just for you.
Thank you for the Garbage Truck moment. I truely can relate. I can't reach one adopted daughter other than text or message. I made my apology to her in a private message to her on face book as she won't answer any calls. I apologized for not being there for her when she had to go to court one day about her kid's dad. She said she wasn't going to go, so I didn't make plans to take the morning off from caring for a senior friend of mine. Since she just stopped talking to me after me being her "mom" for 18 yrs, all I can do is guess that is why she stopped all contact. I have going on 15 months!! :) Thanks for letting me join also. I'll be around checking out the other forums and introducing my self.
