Being new myself I can speak to much, but I will say the hell I put my wife through, I deserve every low blow she can dish out. I have come along way as has the entire family. She now trust me and has a better understanding of the whole process of recovery. Hang in there,its worth it. Stick around.

Keep in mind that you are not that person any more, and every 24 hours will take you further away from being that person. He'll figure that out eventually, but it's more important that you understand and accept that. It was a huge load off me when I had that lightbulb moment, and I found the 'digs' that people gave me about my past didn't cut as deep, or even at all most of the time.

Just keep doing what you are doing. It's the best amends you'll ever be able to make for him and you.

At some point - I think with about the "time" you have, I had to ask God and others to help me with it too. I told my husband that I was very sorry for all the past hurt, and had been doing so repeatedly day in and day out.

It just wasn't healthy for me to keep focusing on it anymore. It was time for me to move forward, so I told him I wasn't going to apologize forever. As gently yet firmly as I could, I had to let him know that it was no longer okay for me to beat myself up mentally, or let others do so either. It was the first time I actually made the suggestion to him about getting help for his anger and issues through alanon or counseling - and though he walked away and said nothing that day - he did come back at a calmer time a couple weeks later and admit that he does indeed have a lot of anger despite the fact that things are overall better. He was confused how he could be starting to feel happy with me, yet angry at the same time.

I didn't have the answer for that, but I knew alanon did. I just hugged him, and the next time I went to town I picked up some pamphlets for him and gave them to him without really saying much (even though I wanted to). It took a few more months of the same small little gentle "plugs" about how he deserves some time to work on himself after all he's been through... AND him still having rage full outbursts to which I stayed repeatedly calm... that he began to realize that the program might have something he wanted. I think when the only person acting out anymore was just him, it became much more blatant to him that he had become "sick" too. And that was something that was very much masked and "covered" by the focus being on me for so long.

People told me repeatedly to leave him alone - not to push alanon down his throat - and that kept me from yelling and screaming it to him when that sort of behavior was being thrown my way. But I didn't stop saying it altogether. There was one time I lost my cool and spoke sternly about it, but that only pushed him farther away, and I could see that right away. No one wants to be told what to do. I had to remember how I felt when he was telling me to go to AA. If he didn't do it with extreme love and respect - gently and as caring as if he were treating a sick friend compassionately, I rebuked.

In our case, even after close to 9 months, this is still in the beginning stages, and we were still having these issues although better... even this month. He just went to his 3rd meeting last night - he's been to 4 speaker meetings with me, and one alanon speaker with me, both of our firsts on Friday night.

What has come from very kind, loving, gentle and respectful conversations in our relationship has been remarkable. We have gone from being stone cold screaming enemies - to falling in love all over again, almost as if we are meeting for the first time. Thought we've been together for almost a decade, we are learning about each other, growing together, growing separately, and growing as partners in life, parents to wonderful young children, children to our parents, sibling and friends to the rest of the world. It's so miraculous, that I get a little choked up writing this to you Mary.

As you find the real you and your HP inside, you will only hope the same for your husband. I told my husband at one point that no matter if he found that being with me was not best for him or if staying together was, I was ready to face that because I loved him, and wanted what was best for him... truly... for the first time. For the first time, I could love in the way that I had heard about: "Love it enough to let it go."

After letting myself get that real, and that honest, and if I may say so - even lean on my HP enough to find that bravery - things radically changed... and I hope the same for you Mary.

This program is so amazing if we don't force it and let it come... your HP will show you the way if you are willing. That's my belief anyway : )

P.S.
I am early in recovery yet - so take from this what you can, and listen to the old timers ; )

Some very good advice here. Welcome NRT! My sponsor used to tell me to "Own it"...I would say, yes I did that, but I don't want to be that way anymore. AA is helping me not to be that way and to understand the causes and conditions." Try to remember that they are unwell too and it takes time to get better. As we know better, we do better. Just don't drink over it!

Welcome NRT!  Glad to have you here with us.  Alcoholism is a family diesase.  It effects everyone we come into contact with.  By you working The Program you are changing.  Change brings uncertainty to the family.  It's different, the environment is changing and others are trying to get use to it.  It's uncomfortable.  The best you can do it is make daily amends at this point.  Don't drink and work The Program and you can't screw this up.  Tell your husband you're working on changing that person who made them past mistakes.  That should take the power away from him.  Remember his feeling are his, not yours.  Focus on you.  The only one you change.  More will be revealed.    You won't have to tell the family you're changing, they'll see it. 

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the MIP board. I think you probably are making amends one day at a time. I remember at 3 months a lot of the people in my life still didn't trust me, it was irritating at the time, but looking back I can understand it.

Many of the people who have lived with us during active using are also sick and need some form of recovery. Al-anon would be a good option for him.

Not sure where you are in the steps, but pgs 76-83 pretty much cover how we are to make amends. The "family After" chapter would be helpful also. I like this quote from pg 83.

Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

I find myself doing that with my husband and he does it with me too at times.  Sometimes, something will trigger a memory.  A situation will come e.g we have my hubbys work Xmas party this weekend.  Immediately, I'm picturing previous Xmas parties that were spoiled by his behaviour.  It's automatic.  Will I or won't I put myself through it this year?  Which then brings up a discussion of what's happened in the past, what will take place at this one, a plan B for myself if things go haywire.  I guess it's a way of working through things for both of us.  To me it's better to sit down, discuss things and work through their fears without being angry at them.  Most times our fears are justified until we are shown proof that things really have changed.  There's a saying, "The best predictor of future behaviour is the past behaviour."  We just need to be shown a new past behaviour, that's all.

Tracey