I went to get coffee today and inside this coffee shop is also fancy liquor and other novelty items - kind of a hippie store/liquor mart/hang out type thing. Anyway - I've gone there many times for coffee - and many more times for liquor. They get all this really trendy stuff that no one's heard of - so no one buys it - so then they clearance it out super cheap. I would look at the alcohol proof - and if it was high enough, I would buy a whole case and be all set... other than having to now hide this mass quantity of booze somewhere... but that's another story.
So I'd get home with all this fancy looking liquor - and I'd drink it like a booze whore as always, telling myself the whole time (while I was in my mind enough) that I'm awesome and fancy - and certainly alcoholics do not drink fancy like me! (At home, by myself, in my tiny walk in closet... for real).
Next to this hippie stop is a pet supply shop. I frequent it for hobby farm supplies, and when I first sobered up, it was very difficult for me to even be next to this store that I bought mass quantities of liquor at. I remember sitting in the parking lot on the phone with my sponsor, and the nausea, shame, fear, remorse, guilt and despair would ping pong around inside of me relentlessly. When I relapsed early on, it was on booze from this shop. I remember sitting in the parking lot, knowing I was going to drink soon, and my whole body actually changed. I started getting the cramps in my stomach that always proceeded a drink in the later days, and would make me have to run to the bathroom. There was always a sense of tingling throughout my whole body and a lot of purposeful shutting down, and shutting out anything in my mind that told me nothing good could come of this. I had so much going on already in that parking lot, that it was as if I drank, before I actually put the liquid in my mouth.
Cunning, baffling, powerful.
It seemed, I was so allergic to alcohol, in so many ways, that my mind was introducing the process of the reaction to my body before I even physically consumed anything. So powerful is this disease for me... I'm baffled to this day that the cunning abilites of alcoholism kept me from believing I had a problem, even when my body was screaming it to me!
Over some time, I became able to get supplies at the pet store with little trouble. Soon, I was even able to get coffee in the hippie shop and hardly notice the alcohol.
Today, I was in between jobs and was starving. I ran in for a coffee and a bit to eat, and during my drive time, I had made the amazingly beautiful "mistake" of calling my extremely long winded sponsor. She wasn't finished sharing her joy and gratitude for recovery when I got into the store, so I listened intently when I got in line for my treats. When I realized no amount of information regarding my "need" to get off the phone was going to hold her back today, I ducked out of the line, and retreated to a quiet corner of the store where I could talk recovery as enthusiastically she.
After a few minutes, I realized where I was... right smack dab in the middle of the liquor section! How ironic I said to her. I'm standing in the midst of these absolutely gorgeous bottles of alcohol, talking recovery to you, and nothing is happening! My mind is remaining perfectly clear, my body is quiet and functioning normally. God has not just taken away my desire to drink, it has simply been removed!
Removed.
My higher power has really removed from me what was killing me patiently.
It doesn't much matter what you want to call it today. Recovered; cured; recovering? Doesn't matter what you call it. My drinking problem has been removed.
The big book was/is right. My HP is real. The steps work. My sponsor is a messenger. You are too.
Gratefully,
Tasha
-- Edited by justadrunk on Friday 30th of November 2012 04:43:46 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Wonderful post! As soon as I read the title I started laughing. Suddenly I was humming and making lyrics out of " Can't tell you how much I adore, my little liquor store whore, the memories we share" ad nauseum. All to a country western twang. Yeah, good aged booze was kind of like dating the good looking guy in school, but if there wasn't anybody else, I'd go out with a plainer guy, too. As long as I had a dance partner, by the end of the night throwing up nice scotch wasn't a whole lot different than throwing up Short Stop vodka. Same damned headache.
Aside from that, the message is beautiful. I can find my HP in art, in music, in architecture, but I see Him the clearest in the blessings from stories like yours. Here's to the miracle of you!
I am with ya, Tasha. I can see the bottles now and...nothing...no cravings, no desire, no anything. I know I couldn't have made it this far on my own. I owe it to divine intervention and I strive to strengthen my relationship with God every single day. He loves me and I love Him right back.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
What a miracle, huh? I've noticed things like this, too.. And these things just occur to me. Things like serving a 40 year scotch or a great vintage Cabernet at work used to make my mouth water.. Now I barely notice. The obsession is gone..including the obsession of NOT drinking. By that I mean I can pass by a liquor store without any thought of it, whereas before I would cross the street to avoid it altogether. It's a great feeling to feel a bit more comfortable with sobriety:)
Tasha, I remember having a similar experience. I had a seeming love affair with the Texaco station on the corner down the street from the development I lived in during the worst of my drinking. I would stumble in there drunk as hell...I would even drive there and go in even when cops where there. I could not buy liquor after 1 am so I would buy bottles of Inglenook wine. I did this because Inglenook has pop top corks and I couldn't be bothered with a cork screw. After a while sober, the Texaco became the place where I got my coffee in the morning. There were about 3 instances where I wasn't thinking and instinctively walked back to the wine/beer ailse. It scared me when that happened, but I didn't want to drink.
As far as saying I am recovered based on having my desire to drink removed.... I know you didn't say you prefer to use that term. You stated it doesn't matter cuz your desire has been removed. I just caution that for me I am hesitant to say "it is removed." I specify that it's removed for now but I have seen too many folks say their desire to drink has been removed to then have it come back.
Hence, I believe my desire to drink has been removed for today and it's contingent upon the program I work to keep it that way. Make sense? Hope I'm not arguing semantics but it's a distinction I figure is worth making.
I do love hearing about the joy and freedom the program and your sobriety is giving you and for that I am so happy!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Aloha Tasha and Mahalo for the share...title and all. I got it and registered the similarities while also noting the differences...there are a few not worth mentioning. Like Mark the compulsion has been remove for now (34+ years) however I still do curious stuff with alcohol that I never do with other past relationships. Even my spouse has commented that I spent a "bit" of time in the liquor department while she was in the checkout line at the market. I am honest so I will acknowledge her awareness honestly. One time I was noticing the new "dress" one of the boozes of choice was now wearing. I was even talking to the bottle of Tangurey and it's new color from when I use to cherish the relationship and the salad I use to have with it (double olive and onion). LOL!! I stopped by the Ron Rico 151 and smiled at the arm wrestling matches we use to have that I thought I always won. I worried that San Miguel had gone bankrupt when I didn't see my old brand of beer in the aisle and I longed to see my old girl friend dressed in "Black Velvet" and sultrly smiling out at me waiting for me to knock it back. Some of my recovery male friends use to use the "whore" title with ourselves because of our infidelities while under the influence and so I guess while it makes a sting here it was figuratively true at one time.
I am grateful for your sobriety and how you express it. Again Mahalo. ((((hugs))))
