Hey all:) I have posted here a few times about my inability to open up to people, and although I'm working the rest of the program as suggested, this has been a huge roadblock for me in terms of getting connected to the program. Last week at a meeting a gentleman was speaking of ego and humility. Something he said just clicked with me and it suddenly occurred to me that my ego is still in control to a large degree. It simply never crossed my mind that this was the case. I know that fear is something I work on daily.. But ego? Not ME! Well there you go.. I've prayed daily for the strength to let it go a bit, and wouldn't you know I'm more relaxed at meetings, I'm talking to people, getting numbers and actually using them. Ok, so it's kinda funny that I was at the point of thinking " man, these AA people are a bunch of hardass, cliquey jerks!", when in actuality the issue was NOT everyone else.. Imagine that? Lol.. I still got a lot to learn:)
When I first came around in 1984,I definitely thought this group of people were just substituting one drug for another.I was listening to Cheech and Chong album around that time ,Big Bamboo and there was a skit where guy says' I used to be all messed up on drugs till I found the Lord and now Im all messed up on the Lord.My ego had me thinking I was definitely better than, I can do this on my own,these people definitely needed a drink.By God's grace and mercy,..I stopped drinking after 25 years of destruction and still my ego kept me on the outside edge. My sponsor,an old man in his mid 80's(I never thought of BOB as a sponsor and I never really got to the early point of Step work with him (he died about 3 years later)etc,but he definitely pointed me on the road to learning about recovery,not just staying abstinent) He would yell and swear at me when I would say I wasnt making meetings or if I was still hanging in the environment(still drumming in a rock band playing clubs,bars and with active individuals..He died few years later and though I never drank alcohol again,I drifted away for awhile, abstinent but tore up from not really understanding the "exact nature" of what was going on with me, a still very sick individual who just wasn't using.....I would not recommend this type of relationship but we all find our own way or we continue on to the same jails ,institutions,deriliction or death. My ego took awhile to come around ,truly addressed by application of the Steps and our spiritual principles and participation in my own recovery with a sponsor who helped me through all the steps,traditions and even concepts(through Area service)Each day graced by Gods(of our own understandings mercy)we spend working our process we learn humility,tolerance,patience and trust in our Higher Powers guidance.I can truly identify your thought process and you probably reached awareness a little sooner than me but it definitely worked for me when I decided to work it...Thanks for help today!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I love the phrase EGO = Edging God Out (and that GOD for some = Good Orderly Direction). One of the best gifts I was given was when I learned about the "arrogance of self-pity", "the arrogance of fear", the arrogance of....fill in the blank. It meant that while I was busy being depressed, or worried, (whatever) I was also busy being "powerful" in a passive kind of way. That my 3rd step was thin and my 11th step underutilized. I also had to learn the difference between heathy self-esteem and lack of humbleness, which wasn't easy. Balance, balance, balance. (Message to self).
